Return of the Daily Smile

[magerette]

Those were great CM! (especially the sterilized needle for lethal injections....why???)

Some great reasons to think before you speak--something I need WAY lots of practise at:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did:

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word*he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TRESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening. "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. AS the door closed behind me, all I could hear were deafening screams of laughter.


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew also as they were laughing uncontrollably!

[Corwin]

How many involved YOU, cause I'm sure some of them we CM!! :)

[magerette]

Well, I have no toddlers, don't play golf, live two thousand miles away from my sister and have never anchored a news show so.....:devilish:


*Disclaimer: Any conclusions drawn from this post are the result of third party instigation and have no connection to personal views of the poster**dodges pitchfork** :)

[Bartacus]

Poor CM, all the posters laughing with our resident grandma. Then again where is that famous women group that we knew at the NFG?

Anyway let's post another joke

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole

[Khass]

WHY ?

Aw maan, I'm just itching to answer these, but then I'd look like a smartass :|... (for situation humor, see above post).

[Cm]

If your answers are funny, go for it. Smartass remarks done as jokes are acceptable if done with some level of restraint. ;) If you step over the line the PitchFork of Fire will come down on you. :cm:

Subject: SMART-ASS REMARKS!!!

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."

[Cm]

Forgive the double posting.
Bart, I think magerette has all the skills to help me keep the boys in their place here. Jaz has been busy but she will come to our aid should we need it. ;)

Here is a bone for the boys. And yes it was posted in the NFG ages ago. Not sure by who but feel free to claim it. :)


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"from the female point of view...
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," ! We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Corwin]

These are just SO accurate!! All women should read them and take careful note!! :)

[Cm]

Humm.......:evilgrin: First the go blind remark, now this. Time to add Corwin to my list yet again.:deal: :cm:

[Corwin]

I've never been off the list!!

[Corwin]

Take a look at this, you might enjoy it!! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4183967147021677751

[titus]

Can anyone say that the list isn't right?
let send it all around the world so that all women know this :p

[Arhu]

I've never been off the list!!
Probably not, I bet you just get extra entries. ;) Or maybe, maybe the list has always been a pure Corwin list. :uhoh:

Take a look at this, you might enjoy it!! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4183967147021677751

Or this!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8812739723431626893

[Cm]

I have a counter list to post up titus so beware of what you wish for. ;)

Actually I have a pure Corwin list as well as a general punishment list. Depending on the infraction and my mood he can get added to either. :cm:

It is when I decide to clean out my lists by exacting the punishment that things get interestin. MUHAHAHAHA :whip: :end: :cm: :rotfl:

[Bartacus]

I thought there was a pure Bartacus list too??

Anyway, two great vids Corwin and Arhu!

[Khass]

Not sure by who but feel free to claim it. :)

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

My money is definately on Roqua. 50 WoW gold, in fact.

[magerette]

Bart, I think magerette has all the skills to help me keep the boys in their place here. Jaz has been busy but she will come to our aid should we need it. ;)

.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, CM but I have a feeling it takes years of list-making and -enforcing skills to be truly adept with the Pitchfork of Doom.. or it that Flame? :devilish:

I might be able to weild a small, bristly Hairbrush of Mild Irritation, tho.;)

Hopefully Jaz has got our backs. :)

[Arhu]

Do you remember the days when text used to be written on scrolls? Eventually, some time in the Middle Ages, they were upgraded to books. But woe to the common folk who had to learn that new technology! Since not everyone was immediately adept at using books correctly, courses were offered to those in need.

Introducing the Book (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pyjRj3UMRM).

[magerette]

Hilarious Arhu! I guess end users are the same thruout the millenia...:)

[Corwin]

Very clever!!

[Cm]

@Bart, of course you have your own list as well. So far you and Corwin are the only ones. I started fresh when we moved to the Watch.
@magerette, you are free to use whatever equipment you like. :lol: We can always upgrade the Hairbrush of Mild Irritation later on. :cm:

In the flavor of Arhu's post: :)


Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

(Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer,
and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives!

(Another NFG copied and I think Sammy may be the one for this one.) :lol:

[magerette]

That makes it all so simple. :)

[Bartacus]

Arhu, that last video was the best I've ever seen. I just instantly mailed to all the people I know (and that's not 'all two of them')

[Cm]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror
and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[Bartacus]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[Arhu]

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

[Corwin]

Lead me not into Temptation!! :biggrin:

[Arhu]

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[dteowner]

Many good ones, but #16 was just so dry that it was perfect.

[Corwin]

An excellent collection; I really liked 14- it brought back so many memories of Maths problems!! :)

[Cm]

This one is for the adults only! (http://www.123mycodes.com/myspaceprank/boobflash.swf) ;)

[dteowner]

hubba hubba!

[magerette]

Found this one while cleaning out my inbox. Good for a chuckle:


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Arhu]

I think that all people who work in the background always have great humor! ^^ Must come with the job...


Here's a collection of 40 things you'd love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

[Alrik Fassbauer]

Slightly off : A few days ago it occurred to me that the C-RPG "Sudeki" sounds a lot like "Sudoku". :D ;)

So, why not making an maths-based C-RPG ... ? ;)

[Corwin]

Arhu, I don't get the part about NOT saying those things!! I've been saying many of them for years!!!! :biggrin:

[Alrik Fassbauer]

These sayings could've been exactly from the mouth of Lord Vetinary ! :D

[magerette]

I used to have # 6 on my banner screensaver, Arhu. I remember it fondly, even if others don't. ;)

[magerette]

I really look forward to these days :devilish: :

Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
Soon a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out, "We bet we
can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you
can guess it, you old fools!"

One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts
and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at
him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to
jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,
"You're 84 years old!"

How in the world did you guess?!?"

The grandmas looked at each other and snickered .

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled
in unison: "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday"

[Arhu]

He he. Glad it wasn't me. ;) Ok, I found one that makes use of... spoiler tags!


The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional.” Click on "show" for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Did you say, “Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?” (Wrong Answer) Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

[Corwin]

Magerette, I realise that you and CM were likely 2 of the grandmas (I don't DARE say who the third might be), BUT let me state quite clearly, so there is NO misunderstanding, I was NOT the grandpa!!!! :p

[Cm]

No he just WISHES he could be. :cm:

THINGS I'VE LEARNED LIVING IN KENTUCKY:

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their f eet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Kentucky.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Kentucky plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM KENTUCKY IF:>

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car .

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and basketball scores.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . .it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinkin driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Kentucky (and those who just wish they were).

Not EVERYONE can be a Kentuckian; it's an art form and a gift from God. :)

[dteowner]

Here in the Bustling Metropolis, we can see Kentucky across the river. A fair number of those folks come over the bridge to work here. The above ain't funny, it's just plain fact.

Back when I was living in Indianapolis, we used to call one of the rural suburbs Martin-tucky (Martinsville). I'm here to tell ya, those folks ain't got nothin' on the real McCoy.

[Cm]

:rotfl: I am from there Dte and you are right, these are just the facts. ;)

[Cm]

More Smart-Ass remarks!

************************************************** **************

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
************************************************** **************
A cop has been running a speed trap and finally gets to pull someone over:

The cop got out of his car and said:
"Kid I've been waiting here all day to catch you speeding like that!"

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

************************************************** **************

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
************************************************** **************
AND WINNER OF THE SMART-ASS OF THE YEAR TROPHY.......(drum roll, please)

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at
the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well,
I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

(Now THAT'S one Smart-Ass teacher!!!)

[Bartacus]

Magerette, I realise that you and CM were likely 2 of the grandmas (I don't DARE say who the third might be), BUT let me state quite clearly, so there is NO misunderstanding, I was NOT the grandpa!!!! :p

Indeed, Idon't think CM would ask that of you.:D

a small joke arrived by email to me:

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

[Cm]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Good one Bart!

[Corwin]

Yep, Bart wins today's prize, though Cm's teacher is a very close second!! :)

[magerette]

Good one, Bartacus! BTW--those were PURELY HYPOTHETICAL grandmas! :devilish:

Found this during the spring clean of my inbox, it's old, but has lost nothing with age, unlike myself ;) :


Subject: John Cleese's Letter to the United States


In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, and other U.S.territories (excepting Mississippi, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptably inefficient form of communication.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyer or therapists. Guns will be outlawed and confiscated. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you desire to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American-made cars are hereby banned. This is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will immediately adopt the metric system. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animalfat, and dressed with vinegar.

The icy tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of accepted provena nce will be referred toas "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,"so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Hearing Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. Those of you brave enough may, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Her Majesty's tax collector will arrive shortly arrange payment of all monies due since1776.

Thank you for your co-operation

John Cleese

[Khass]

The above text got more nods out of me than my professors will ever do, sadly. Very nice, nonetheless. :D

[Corwin]

Seems like a very reasonable list to me!! :)

[magerette]

Well, at least the "Nearly Frozen Gnat's Urine" assessment...and the American cars, but not even the priviledge of understanding British humor would get me to embrace traffic roundabouts. ;)

[Khass]

Joke:
Patient: "Doctor, I have diarrhoea. Can I take a bath with this?"
Doctor: "If it's enough to fill a tub..."

Oh sweet baby jesus the HORROR! My math teacher (very strict and weird fellow) once made this joke, and it actually gave me nightmares ... I won't get into detail for the sake of what you ate today. I know I'm on the brink of losing it ...

And the point to where I was getting at: -20 alignment for you, Jaz! >:(

PS : ALSO, I was just going to take a bath. Thanks to you, I'm going to be smell bad for another 2 hours until my stomach settles. *whips* another -20 !

[Jaz]

Muahahahahahaha! I am E-V-I-L :cm:!

[Cm]

One for the start of the work week for those who must still endure!! It might translate to school as well. ;)

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!


Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday :

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of IkeTurner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as:

SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your"assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!

*PS I take no responsibility for injuries to you should you find out YOU are the one irritating the whole world. This holiday may not be honored in all states and provinces so you may want to post advance copies of it and the rules to prevent lawsuits. *

[Corwin]

Corwin there are 150 different kinds of beer in Belgium and I'm talking about a real difference. And yeah I know Fosters and 'Bitte ein Bit'. It's not because you've tasted one beer that you got them all, neither in Belgium, nor in the USA.
Your last sentence says it all -> If you like that Heineken pee, well, you can't possibly know what beer is. If you mean there's another Dutch beer you've tasted and liked, it can be ok. The problem with the Belgian beer is that we're not nearly as good as our neighbours at marketing.

also a joke (it's a translated one):

A 60y old woman stands just before bedtime in front of the mirror. She sees many rimples and weak skin, her breasts practicly on her belly and that she has a huge ass. She turns around to her husband and speaks: "I'm feeling very old. Please say something positive about me, so I'll feel better."
The husband looks at her and thinks for a few seconds. Then he answers: "Your eyesight is still very good!"

This joke is DEFINITELY about CM!! :biggrin:

No, I wasn't referring to the big H when mentioning Dutch beer. I've toured that brewery though!! :) Stella is an acceptable drink, though overpriced!!

[Cm]

Imagine a long line of the nasty smilies in this area all aimed at Corwin. :cm::slap: :plotting: :mwahaha:

[Corwin]

Ah, isn't it great to be appreciated!! :biggrin:

[Arhu]

And now for something completely different.

The opening of Lady in the Water (http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=8aebmfik5q).
It's not funny or anything, but it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. :beam:

[dteowner]

:police:
I'm sure there's a joke here somewhere...

[Khass]

Humans! (http://www.aniboom.com/Player.aspx?v=1224&CATG=1&SortMethod=2) A warning about a relatively new plague that sweeps our dear Earth.

A monk defends his cloister against raging barbarians. (http://www.aniboom.com/Player.aspx?v=1498&CATG=1&SortMethod=2) Be warned, though, it contains quite a bit of violence and bad language (in the theme song, so you can turn off music - but you'd miss a good part of the humorous effect of it along with it).

EDIT: I hate it when I kill a thread, even for a few days >.<

[Arhu]

Cuteness attaaaaack! :excited:

ZOMG Zufall! #285 (http://z0r.de/?id=285) :dance: :boogie: :dance:

[Bartacus]

This is one for us, engineers:

An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[Cm]

Ok someone tell me how the gopher does it! :)

The Magic Gopher! (http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/games/magic-gopher-central.swf)

[Bartacus]

It's called mathematics, CM.

[Arhu]

Nah, it's magic, I'm sure of it!

[magerette]

That's scary! I too would like to know what x-files-type government experiment has produced telepathic gophers. O_O

[Corwin]

The Gopher got it wrong for me!!

[Cm]

Try again Corwin, you have to do all the math hun and I know that may be hard at your age. ;) :beer: Or stop drinking all those beers. :cm:

[Corwin]

Neither I, nor my calculator, have ever been known to make a mathematical error!! :p

[Bartacus]

Corwin can be right -> They've asked for a number with two digits -> 4.3 is also two digits, so the Gopher isn't correct.

[magerette]

Speaking of numbers, here are
Twelve(12) Things You Should Never Say to a Policeman:


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?(Age-revealing)

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney? (Age and questionable taste-revealing)

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

7. ! You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed,
have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Corwin]

I really like number 11!! :)

[Cm]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.! "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught m! e IRONY . "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE! . " One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!!

[magerette]

How true, how true--especially the last one!!! Revenge is sweet.:devilish:

[Corwin]

Ah yes, another old NFG classic!! I remember hearing ALL of those growing up!! :)

[txa1265]

A bunch of blonde jokes ...

Ah, Yes... Blonde Is Beautiful

A blonde on the river’s edge shouted to a blonde on the opposite side of the river: “How do you get to the other side?”

The blonde across the river yelled back, “You’re already there!”

* * *

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive blonde lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do," said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."





(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

* * *

A guy and a blonde were out on a date, ended up at Lovers Lane.

Things are progressing and the guy says,"Wanna go to the backseat?"

"No," the blonde says.

Things get pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. “Wanna go to the backseat?"

"No!" yelled the blonde.

Things get hotter still, the blonde is down to her bra and the guy's
pants are unzipped.

"Do you wanna go to the backseat yet?" asks the befuddled young man guy.

"For the last time, no!" howls the blonde.

Utterly frustrated, the guy demands, "Well, why the hell not?"

"Because I wanna stay up here with you"

* * *

Brokeback Blonde

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my under shorts ... so I did.

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.

"And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.



* * *

Blondes in Computer Sciences? Well... sort of....



* * *

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carryingthe mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

* * *

Perhaps the First Male Blonde Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to Jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch”

* * *

Blond With No Driver’s License
6/1/05

A blonde is tooling along in her bright red Miata going way past the speed limit when a female police officer, coincidentally another blonde, pulls her over.

“Let me see your license,” the police lady says.

“What’s that,” the clueless blonde asks.

“Your driver’s license,” the officer repeated with annoyance.

Frustrated, the blonde rifles through her glove box, looks back at the officer and shrugs.

“Try your purse, Miss.”

“Well, what’s it look like?”

“You can’t be that stupid,” the irritated cop replies. “It’s that little rectangular thing with your picture on it?”

Moments later the blonde retrieves a small makeup mirror from her purse, looks into it and hands it to the officer, a triumphant look on her pretty face.

The blonde policewoman takes the mirror, looks at it and says, “I guess I’ll have to let you off. I didn’t know you were a police officer.”

[magerette]

Laughed til I hurt my little blonde roots--I think I've met that cowboy...:)

[abbaon]

Bump bump. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMe52Ad4Pyw) (Youtube)

[Corwin]

Trust it to be Australian!! :)

[Cm]

Why do we say and do these??

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V . and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[Cm]

Oldie but I had to post it. And please, no offense intended.

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here"

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."


The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now"

[Corwin]

Catholics!! No Comment!!!! :)

[Khass]

LOL at the last one. :D

And I'd like to add one more to the 'I owe my mother' list (happens to me all the time):

My mother taught about SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS: 'Now what did I say to you??'

[Bartacus]

A very small one for today:

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

[Cm]

:lol: for Khass and Bart.

Another brain teaser: ;)

CAN YOU READ IT!!

Fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a p boerlm. Tihs is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

If it doesn't work for your language here is another joke for today.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Bartacus]

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Would that have happened already with my two favourite grandparents at RPGWatch?

[Khass]

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Oh wow, thanks for giving me a great way to end my week! "Ibepokin" ... ROFL.

[Corwin]

Bart, I'm NOT a grandparent!! :) Therefore, you can't be referring to me. Must be CM and Magerette!!

[Cm]

:cm: Now who do I want to add to the list or should it be both? I think Bart this time only...........:mwahaha: And if you keep calling me Grandma does that mean I have to adopt you into the family? :glomp: :cuddle: :faint:
Not yet Bart, Not yet!

[Khass]

A gamer grandma?! Pick me, oh please, PICK ME!

[Bartacus]

Corwin, I always figured that one so old that he describes himself as "on the razorblade of life" would be called a grandpa.

Don CMeleone, I'm honored that I'm almost a member of the family.:lol:

Now a joke about politeness:

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

[Cm]

A gamer grandma?! Pick me, oh please, PICK ME!

Hummm, if you already have a trust fund, so you can give me money when I need it, a car so you can drive me to bingo and the store, and you are always ready to come over and wash the windows and cut the grass, I will add your name to the short list Khass. :lol: ;)

Now our Joke for today: Caution, some may find the language a bit off.

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit,
find shit, forgetshit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell
the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bullshit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the
shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than
a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter
than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like
shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right
shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other
times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the
basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need
to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not
do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to
know that I dogive a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a
bunch of shit. But, ifyou happened to catch a load of shit from some
shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

[dteowner]

*************FOUL LANGUAGE ALERT, F-BOMBs ABOUND*****************

Advance apologies for coarse language, but this is a natural followup to cm's. True story, as told by an English teacher of mine.

The most versatile word in the English language is fuck. This was proven to her by a young gent in the school parking lot who, faced with a car that wouldn't start, had the following thought:
"Fuck! The fucking fuck won't fucking fuck!"
You have here an exclamation, a noun, a verb, an adjective, and an adverb all in one neat package. That's versatile.

[Bartacus]

An oldie from the Dot

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

[Corwin]

I haven't seen Abort, Retry, Fail, in years!! :) Ah, the memories!!!!

[magerette]

Some of these are familiar, but others I've not run across before:

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace
(and elsewhere)!

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group,
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

[Cm]

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

[Jaz]

I haven't seen Abort, Retry, Fail, in years!! :) Ah, the memories!!!!Then you should try my screensaver: a collection of bluescreens and error messages from all sorts of operating systems. Great to get a boss to shut up and let me continue my work.

[magerette]

CM, you will love these!!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote contr ol for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a bo x of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
H e answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to! break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Footnote:
You know you're old when you bend down to tie your shoes & you think what else can I do while I'm down here.

[Corwin]

You know you're old when you have slip-ons, so you don't have to bend over to tie your shoes!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

:salute: :rotfl: :rotfl: Good ones magerette! One twist on the last one.

"You know you are old when you bend down to tie your shoes and you can't see them cause your boobs keep getting in the way." :lol:

[magerette]

Yes, indeed. that's why I don't eat hot cereal for breakfast anymore. :wideeyed: :)

[Corwin]

Sorry, I don't get that one!! Please explain for the old man!!!! :)

[magerette]

While bending over the hot cereal, bad things can happen to areas that have been affected by gravitational pull--especially when wearing a thin nightgown. ;) This is actually an old joke, about an old couple eating breakfast, but like many things, I've forgotten exactly how it goes. :)

[Corwin]

Ah, the light shines forth once more as understanding rears its head in the dim recesses of what CM calls my brain!! :)

[Bartacus]

Since the last few posts seem to go about old people...

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance

OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part

OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted

OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures

OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world

OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest

OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap

And then instead of quotes a joke:

vThere was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

[Cm]

@ Bart, those were great. Loved the old man at the end.

@ Corwin, I have NEVER accussed you of having a brain. :rolleyes:

@ Magerette, that is when the duct tape use was first put into play. :lol:


Useless info:
At Three minutes and Four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year, the time and date will be
02:03:04 05/06/07

This will never happen again in our lifetime.

Joke for the day:

A couple had a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah, right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the Dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers
"I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God,
we took first and second place!"

[Corwin]

Good one!! :)

[dteowner]

Ring ding diddle liddle laddie-o, ring die diddly eye-o, Ohhh, lad I don't know where ya been but I see ya won first prize!

[xSamhainx]

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-3/668811/santa.jpg

[magerette]

Laughing my socks off. :rotfl:

[dteowner]

We've got a Photoshop war going on the Wings board I visit. A couple of them might not make sense to non-hockey types.
http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c204/frotwenty/Photoshops/Wings/cheliosHD.jpg

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a399/dlddesign/Sharks/celebrate.gif

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l86/Offspring2099/langer.jpg

There are many others, but I don't want to stick the Watch with too much bandwidth.

[dteowner]

After following a BSoD link, I stumbled on this. My sides hurt from laughing.
***warning, adult theme, but not crude***
commercial via YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nb3mshCWmgA)

[Corwin]

Definitely 'interesting'!! :)

[magerette]

It's amazing that a $12.00 bottle of wine or two can have almost the same effect as a frontal lobotomy. ;) Priceless, indeed.

[Bartacus]

An aviation joke for today:

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[Cm]

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. :cm:

[Cm]

READ CAREFULLY!

I don't know how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed.

It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday!

And most likely Tomorrow!! I have a few more old purses in my closet that I can dig out for next week as well!!!

[txa1265]

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. :cm:

My wife was in a really lousy mood yesterday ... had to share that with her!

[Corwin]

I see CM is up to her usual 'tricks'!! :biggrin:

[magerette]

Here's one with a cosmopolitan flavor--no offense to the Greeks ;) :




A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing
who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the
Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman
Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks
will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women."

[Corwin]

Very clever!! I like that one!! :)

[Cm]

Good one magerette :lol:
This is a related one.
*Cm slaps Corwin with a wet fish just on principle*:slap:

It is good to be a woman:



1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3 Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

[dteowner]

Sorry, did you say something?

[txa1265]

Sorry, did you say something?

I think it was something about shoes ...

[Bartacus]

CM, that last one is only true when a man has lost interest in the woman. Happens about 5s after making love for the first time with her. ;)

And offcourse another joke for today:

Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats? They don't become so attached to the lawyers.

[Cm]

I have too generous lately, but.............:deal: :mwahaha: *Cm adds Dte and Mike to the list*


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want .....

then buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the! remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

then buy a dog.


If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores .....

then buy a dog.



If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

then buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness....................


then buy a cat!


Now be honest, you thought I was going to say....then get married!

[Corwin]

No, I thought you were going to say 'Get a Wife'!! :)

[xSamhainx]

good one CM ='.'=

cats rule!

[Bartacus]

Yeah, I got a cat solely for this list of reasons. :)

[Cm]

Really old joke but still funny. :lol:

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated..

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

13) And figure out how to correct this announcement you made.........................

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

[Corwin]

Looks like a normal Catholic sermon to me!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

I figured you would enjoy that one Corwin. :jester:

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[Corwin]

Can I have the address of that bar!! :)

[Bartacus]

Why? Do you want to be the owner? :biggrin:

While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”

“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,” she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”

“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit five dollars a bushel, I sold out!”

[Cm]

Good one Bart. :lol:


"True Friendship"
(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.

1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, "Because you are my friend".


Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.


Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me...I don't want to hear it!!!)

And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!

[Corwin]

Any comment by me would be superfluous!! :biggrin:

[dteowner]

That's never stopped you before, my friend.

[magerette]

Another one of those list things--I tried to delete those we have heard before;of course this is assuming I can remember that I have heard them before;) :

Here are a few things to think about:

1. Can you cry under water?

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of j