Return of the Daily Smile

[Bartacus]

Now you're on MY list Bart!!!! :raincloud:

Why? I never said that it was you, Corwin.:-/

But you're correct that I had you in mind :biggrin:

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

[Cm]

"Saw" is a very good analogy to my tactics. :cm: See a few of you very soon my dears.

[Cm]

LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5 Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[dteowner]

magerette posted that only 2 weeks ago, cm. Would you like some help finding that World Fair spoon? ;)

[titus]

ow well number 29 was a slip of her. that didn't belonged to that list but belonged to that few moments she came to insight about herself

[Bartacus]

ow well number 29 was a slip of her. that didn't belonged to that list but belonged to that few moments she came to insight about herself

Goes for number 15 too, titus. :biggrin:

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[titus]

good one bartacus
I was thinking of 15 wasn't good too but the last one was just so describing it was enough :d

[magerette]

That's definitely a European sounding joke, but the humor translates just fine! :)

[Cm]

INTERESTING STUFF
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?


A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."


It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! And licking the side of it does not count. ;)
-----------------------------------------------------------------

[Ubereil]

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! And licking the side of it does not count. ;)
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Bah! :pout:

Übereil

[Cm]

I knew someone would try to sneek by with a side lick. ;)

Ok just to set the mood for this joke, you have to know that WalMart is a mega store that has food, clothes, medicine, electronic, furniture, and every item not mentioned. It is a one stop shopping complex or at least touts itself to be. Now for the joke............

WalMart has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

[Bartacus]

I'm sure that that last one is already posted, but we are getting used to that kind of posting from certain slightly elderly women.

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

[Cm]

Cute one Bart. :)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's

doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual

dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands

on her chair.

She starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a persons hair have to do with her worth

as a human being?

Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected,

at work and in the community and from reaching our full

potential as a person.

Because you and your kind, continue to perpetuate discrimination

against not only blondes, but women in general ...and all

in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,

and the blonde yells, You stay out of this, mister!

I'm talking to that little shite sitting on your knee!"

[Cm]

Wedding Anniversary


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
REALLY angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"


The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe
and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[Corwin]

Cute, very cute!! :)

[titus]

cm was that your husband? poor guy if he is missing, I can already imagine where he has to be :p

[Cm]

Not yet titus, but do you really think some of these ideas for disposing of a spouse were originally jokes? ;)

[dteowner]

There once was a man from Nantucket...

Oh, sorry. Moving on.

[Corwin]

Hey Dte, I still remember your old limerick thread from back at the NFG!! :)

[Bartacus]

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

[magerette]

This one was so absolutely horrible I had to share it and make others suffer besides me:

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zest Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally ....

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang

[Corwin]

I thought those rather clever!! :)

[dteowner]

Reminds me of the Bob&Tom skit about the new competitor to FedEx resulting from the merger of Norfolk Railroads and Waypal Industries--
Will it get there overnight?
Norfolk-n-Waypal!

[Corwin]

OUCH!! that's TERRIBLE!! :)

[magerette]

ACKK!!! That was even more horribler. Good one, dte.

[skavenhorde]

I read this one a few days ago. Coincidently from my sister. I think she is trying to tell me something.:p


Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

[Bartacus]

@skavenhorde Is she a relative from CM, your sister?

Speaking about CM, here's another of her stories:

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[magerette]

Quite funny, Bartacus. :) I have two really silly ones--the first also explores the them of romance in old age:

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

And in the interests of fairness, a little religious bra humor at the expense of females:

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
"What type of bra?"asked the clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
" Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
The man was speechless and obviously confused, so the saleslady decided to help him out:
"Actually, even with all of this variety,there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian,and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple. ...
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

[skavenhorde]

@Bartacus Nope CM isn't my sister, though I think they would get along great, they have the same sense of humor. :)

Here is one from my brother. Answers to questions you'll never ask.
Warning they are really bad jokes almost as bad as mine.

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

2.WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.

4.. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick

5,. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? .
Nacho cheese

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A
VAMPIRE?
Frostbite! .

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck

11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA
SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the heck out of the dog

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A
HOOVER ?
The location of the Dirt Bag.

17. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A
BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, darn. A bad sky diver goes
darn, whack.

19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.

20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.

21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP,
CLOP?
An Amish drive-byshooting.

23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE
SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

[Cm]

I did have to laugh at a few of them. Corny always works. ;)

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that? "says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts. "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing set."

[Corwin]

What a letdown!! :)

[skavenhorde]

@CM pretty good :)

Here's another from my brother. Those of you with dirty minds will get the questions wrong. ;)

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.

Harry replied, "Bubble Gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

What do all girls have that all boys want that starts with a "P" and
ends with a "Y" ?

The Principal was sweating.

Harry: "Personality."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last eight questions wrong...... "

[Cm]

I will not say how many I would have gotten wrong. ;)

[Cm]

Cake Or Bed

A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,

Honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
Fix The Lights Now?
Does It Look Like I Have
Ge Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.

Fine,

Then The Wife Asks,
Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right

To Which He Replied,
Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So

Fine, She Says
Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break

I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps
He Says, Does It Look Like I Have
Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So
I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!!

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours................................

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home

As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House , He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working

As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried.

Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.

He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
All I Had To Do Was Either
Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.

He Said,
So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?

She Replied,
Hellooooo..
Do You See Betty Crocker Written
On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!

[Corwin]

Both very good, but those Maths questions were too easy!! :biggrin:

[Pladio]

I seem to have trouble getting the last question... I get all the others, but this one...
"What do all girls have that all boys want that starts with a "P" and
ends with a "Y" ?"

I'm talking about the response most of you had in your head, not the boy's response.

By the way, I think I need to go back to first grade :p

[Corwin]

Think felines!! :)

[Pladio]

Ooh. I think I get it now ..

[skavenhorde]

:lol: I guess your mind isn't as dirty as some of ours.

@CM That was great.:)

[Ubereil]

Think felines!! :)

I still don't get it. I don't get near enought sleep. :(

Übereil

[Cm]

Don't look at ME! I won't explain it to him. ;)

[Pladio]

Lol, think cats !?!

[Ubereil]

Ah, that... Well, homosexuals clearly wasn't part of that equation!

Übereil

[Cm]

:rolleyes::x:[

Moving on to the new joke for the day.

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security
sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"
_____

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've
got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he
lets out this ear
splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the
problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it
wakes me up!"

_____

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out
and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you
never tell me when you
have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and
replied, "You're never home!"
_____

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern
medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't
cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost
would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large".

The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any
decision. The man called
his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into
the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the
kitchen."

_____

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and
said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it
all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
_____

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo
to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman She became violent
and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted
living apartment" killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the
judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex, he could fly."

[Corwin]

Wonder which one(s) apply to Cm!! :)

[Bartacus]

@Corwin 3, 4 and 5!

A story between two women:
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.

[dteowner]

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.This actually happened (see the Darwin Awards) and the driver actually WON a lawsuit because there were no warning stickers telling her she couldn't leave the driver's seat.

[Cm]

I still shake my head about that one Dte. Unreal what a judge and or jury will say is fair now adays. I say they just put one general sticker on all products made.

"Idiots are not allowed to buy this. If you don't know how to use it, you are one."

[skavenhorde]

Where do these people come from?

I got another sticker for you cm, "Your IQ must be higher than a slug's to use this product." :)

[dteowner]

That might make for a fun thread--warning stickers. Like the ones you see on irons that says you can't iron clothes while you're wearing them... There wouldn't be a warning if someone hadn't done it, folks.

[Arhu]

Don't look at ME! I won't explain it to him. ;)

That reminds me of that one time in the NFG when Gig didn't get the farmer joke with them sheep... adorable. ^^

[Bartacus]

That reminds me of that one time in the NFG when Gig didn't get the farmer joke with them sheep... adorable. ^^

What was that joke, Arhu? I know Gig mostly as an absent groupmod (I've seen her active, but only for a month or 2) till Corwin took over.

[dteowner]

Wasn't it the one with the punchline, "That sheep's a damn liar!"?

[Corwin]

Yes, that was the one!! :) I think that's everyones favourite NFG story!!

[Arhu]

What was that joke, Arhu? I know Gig mostly as an absent groupmod (I've seen her active, but only for a month or 2) till Corwin took over.

See dte's post below yours. ;) I'm sure someone can dig it up again. ... if it hasn't been posted here already that is. My, 41 pages!

[Bartacus]

Arhu, the usergroups have been deleted on the Dot. I hope someone can post the whole joke here again. Perhaps Dte can?

[Bartacus]

While waiting for Dte's response, I'll post another joke.

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[magerette]

Some Southern (U.S.) humor:

Georgia:

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia
and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
'Everything but my earrings.'


************************************************* **************

Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck.

'Where's Henry?' the others asked..
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail,' the successful hunter replied.'

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they
inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.

'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'



************************************************** *************


Louisiana:

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying...
'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana '
When asked why, he replied 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20
years later than in the rest of the civilized world.


****************************** ****** ******* *******************


Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?

'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license

number.'


************************************************** ************


Tennessee:

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'


************************************************** ************


North Carolina :

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow wat the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But, what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, either.'


************************************************** ************

And the classic:

You can say what you want about the South,

But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

[Corwin]

Well actually, in Australia they do!! :)

[magerette]

That's because you're upside down. :)

[Corwin]

Yeah, but jealousy's a curse!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

[Arhu]

Hehe.

Arhu, the usergroups have been deleted on the Dot. I hope someone can post the whole joke here again.

This should be the one:


A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"

[Bartacus]

I can see why one can remember that joke. :)

What we miss after 2008:

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

[Corwin]

Those are definitely classics!! What a 'loss' he will be!! :)

[Arhu]

I can see why one can remember that joke. :)

What we actually remember most is probably how Gig just didn't get it. Some hinted at the "rural farmers... sheep..." stereotype and she was like, "huh?". Then she theorized on things the sheep could have said, all very far away from the truth. It was very cute seeing her struggle so innocently, trying to figure out why the joke was supposed to be funny. :)

[Corwin]

And was she ever embarrassed when she finally did come to understand it!! Such innocence is a rare quality!!
(And will she ever be annoyed when she learns we all still remember!! :) )

[dteowner]

Re: Bart's post
Poor Dubya. So many good policies (and, admittedly, a few real boners) that got lost in the shuffle simply because he's a retard. Probably didn't help him any following up grandmaster BSer Slick Willie, either. It would take a special person to match up with the Teflon Talker. Dubya's certainly special, but not in the way we'd hope.

[Bartacus]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

[Bartacus]

Some funny things at the helpdesk.

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

[Corwin]

I've seen most of these before, and I believe every one of them!!

[Bartacus]

You're sure you weren't the cause of them? :biggrin:

[Ubereil]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are Teachers, and then there are Educators.

Übereil

[magerette]

Excellent one, Uberiel. :)

This may have been posted before, but for some reason, this reminded me of CM ;) (and no, Bartacus, not because it's OLD):

The Employment Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The
agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this
job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
out& nbsp;with tears in his eyes. ' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent
said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming,
crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to
death with the chair.'

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.

[Corwin]

It's been posted twice before, and we ALL knew it referred to Cm!! :)

[Cm]

Corwin is right. Anyone know where I can find a sturdy chair and meet up with Corwin? :cm:
Here is one totally just cute.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)

This one is for everyone who .

a) has kids, B) had kids,
c) was a kid, d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year
old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this,' and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter
was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a
devastated look on her face.
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

[Corwin]

Well, there goes my breakfast!!

[dteowner]

Don't think we've had this one before:

Menopause jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

[Bartacus]

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[magerette]

Another one of those girl things, but this is a new one on me, ladies:

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

[Cm]

1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses ............. until they stop running.
2. Strike while the .......... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ........... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ............. termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ............ How?
6. Don't bite the hand that ............. looks dirty.
7. No news is ............. impossible
8. A miss is as good as a ............. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............. Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .................. stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ................. Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................. pigs.
13. An idle mind is ................. the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ............ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ..................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ............ You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ........... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .............get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ...............See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is ...................going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than .............. Pregnant

[Bartacus]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[dteowner]

That was surprising funny for a Bart joke. ;)

[Bartacus]

That was surprising funny for a Bart joke. ;)

I'm starting to make lists now :mean: -> Now I can use this emoticon: :deal:

[Corwin]

Hey everyone, Bart has learned to write!! Now that he can make a list he's becoming even more like Cm. I wonder if they're secretly related!! :)

[magerette]

Don't forget the smoking devil, Bart.:cm:

[titus]

Corwin you are wrong, they are not related.
It is that syndrome when a victim falls in love with the psychopat.

I'll leave it up too you to fidn out who is who :p

[dteowner]

Me thinks titus might be on to something here...

[Prime Junta]

I don't think this one's been on this thread yet.

St. Peter was doing the traditional background-check on yet another applicant at Heaven's Pearly Gates.

"I'm afraid, sir, that things don't look really good. It's not that you're particularly evil or anything, but we have quite strict standards. In order to admit you, you'd have to have done something actually, you know, good. Some act of disinterested self-sacrifice... you know, beyond the annual charity check kind of thing. I can't see anything that would quite qualify in your record... but perhaps we've missed something?"
"Oh dear... Well... There is that one time I was driving home late at night. I saw this biker gang who had cornered a young girl, and were about to gang-rape and kill her. So I stopped the car, grabbed a tire-iron from the trunk, and hit the gang leader one between the eyes."
"Wow, well, that would certainly qualify. Funny that it isn't in our records... when did this happen, exactly?"
"That would be... about... ten minutes ago?"

[Bartacus]

Don't forget the smoking devil, Bart.
I'm not a woman, so the devil is not my emoticon (I wonder what reaction will now come)
Hey everyone, Bart has learned to write!! Now that he can make a list he's becoming even more like Cm. I wonder if they're secretly related!!
You forget that you are the one with a list about me and CM. But you're right: I could be a grandson of you both.
Corwin you are wrong, they are not related.
It is that syndrome when a victim falls in love with the psychopat.
I'll leave it up too you to fidn out who is wh
Stockholm syndrome! I'm not the psychopat and if you do not believe that I will chop you into pieces and try to flush the parts in the toilet!

@PJ Good joke! Didn't see it coming.

[Arhu]

Cuteness alert! =) The Evil Eye (http://www.sonnyradio.com/evileye.html)

[Bartacus]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

[magerette]

This one's new to me:

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, 'WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.'

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, 'You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind.'
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, 'You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time...so...do you think we should, well...you know,...screw her?'

'Out of WHAT?!?' asked the other.

[Corwin]

Cute ones, but why do I feel it's likely quite accurate!! :)

[Bartacus]

You can be changing Yankee and RedSox in this joke into anything you like.

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

[Corwin]

Red Wings and Leafs
Cowboys and Packers

Hey Dte, this could be about you!! :)

[dteowner]

Gary Butt-man has nearly killed the Wings-Leafs rivalry with his stupid schedule, so I'd say you'd have to pick a different team for us. Can't even go with the Crapalanche since almost all the players from the brawl seasons are gone. Maybe the Quacks? The Laffs would be easy (Ottawa).

Pokes and Pack haven't had a rivalry in years. That would have to be Iggles, Giants, or Skins for us and Chicago for the Pack.

Other than that, you were close. ;)

[Cm]

Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could
have imagined. See what you think:
_____

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
_____
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
_____
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
_____
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
_____
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
_____
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
_____
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
_____
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
_____
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
_____
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
_____
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
_____
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
____
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day"
Mary Ann - age 4
_____
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
_____
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
_____
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry."
_____

I loved the Christmas one. :)

[Corwin]

And I thought you'd like the one about the 2 old people!! :p

[Jaz]

There are so cute, Cm!
:smitten:

[Bartacus]

Even I'm smarter then this guy:

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

[Prime Junta]

George W. Bush had died and gone to his eternal reward. Sadly, he had not been a complete paragon of virtue in his earthly life, and consequently his eternity came with a bit of a catch.

He had to spend it with Hillary Clinton.

He was trying to make the best of it, as it was, until one day he bumped into Bill Clinton. He had Gwen Stefani on his arm.

Outraged by the sheer injustice of it all, he grabbed a passing angel by the wing.

"I did the Lord's work every day of my life, as best I knew, and what do I get? That! And that lying, fornicating son of a... Democrat gets Gwen Stefani! What did *he* ever do to deserve that?"

"George, George... don't ask what he did. Ask what *she* did."

[magerette]

:rotfl: Perhaps that's what they mean when they say "Clinton Fatigue..."

[Bartacus]

@PJ I know that joke with a different concept -> you take people you know and are present when you tell the joke. It's quite funny to see the guy's face that played the part of Bill Clinton in your version.

[dteowner]

Wish I could have had my camera. On the way home from the doctor, I passed a small biker gang waiting at a stoplight. These were some hard-core dudes. The guy at the rear of the line had a blow-up doll (yeah, one of those) strapped into his passenger seat. I certainly wasn't going to be the one to tell him. :D

[Cm]

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra. The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''

[Cm]

I just had to add this one in today. :lol:

They're Back! Church Bulletins:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
---------- --------- ---------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
----------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
----------------------------------- ----------------- -----
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday eve ning in the church hall.
Music will follow.
--------------- - ----------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
----------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
----------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-----------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
-----------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
-----------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM . Please use
the back door.
----------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
___________________
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
________________ ______
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

[dteowner]

Maybe I'm just an easy audience today, but those were really good, cm. I laughed hard enough that it hurt for the foot draggers in the first post and the basketball game in the second. The best one was the "searching for Jesus" one. The image in my head for that is surely an express ticket to a warm afterlife, but I can't stop laughing.

[Corwin]

I remember posting them at the Dot along with a few others I still have somewhere in the bowels of My Documents!!

[dteowner]

I remember many of the ones you put up back in the day, but I only caught a couple that I thought were repeats from your list.

[Corwin]

THE YEAR ' S BEST (actual)HEADLINES

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked toTemperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame forGas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips ThroughCemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

[dteowner]

Ah, the joys of the misplaced modifier... I always heard it was the engineers that couldnt rite goodly english.

[Corwin]

You heard correctly!! :)

[MasterLich]

I had to read this thread heading twice recently on RPGWatch:

Us censorship removing patch !!!

- must have been a naughty patch?

[Bartacus]

Ah, the joys of the misplaced modifier... I always heard it was the engineers that couldnt rite goodly english.

Spaek for yuorslef, Dte!

[dteowner]

Eye did me spoke for, Bart. ;)

[Bartacus]

That be good then. I beleaved you ment something else.

Next joke, a real story of Corwin I suspect:

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

[Corwin]

Our rubbish bins are plastic!! :)

[titus]

cool stuff

[Prime Junta]

That was actually pretty damn cool.

He, what's happening to my c^H^D^C^[ [NO CARRIER]

[Bartacus]

Sometimes I miss the time of being a twelve year old reading 'It....' from Stephen King with just a flash light in my bed. I can tell you that I didn't sleep so good for a few weeks.

[Corwin]

Could I suggest people announce that a link is to a Flash site. I automatically have all those places blocked!!

[Cm]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart. (Walmart is discount chain department store)
They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME : Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX : Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION : Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY : A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.

PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE ?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[Corwin]

Admit it Cm, it's really yours, with a few minor changes!! :p

[dteowner]

Stumbled on this completely by chance. Should offend a wide variety of folks. ;)
Suicide Vests (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=27876332)

[Bartacus]

Good one, Dte!

Btw, Corwin, I didn't know our real name was Kenneth Way. :p

[Arhu]

Stumbled on this completely by chance. Should offend a wide variety of folks. ;)
Suicide Vests (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=27876332)

Speaking of offending folks, likewise: The End of the World (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end) ;)

[Corwin]

That's brilliant Dte; the onion can still do some great stuff!!

[Alrik Fassbauer]

A brand new joke for highly sensitive people (invented at a forum a few days ago) :

Two empathically gifted ones meet. One one of both says: "You feel fine. And how do I ?"

[xSamhainx]

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-3/668811/avatar375_9.gif

[Cm]

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one. '

>>>>
>>>>

[Bartacus]

A good joke for this 'special' day.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

[Cm]

A new take on one of those emails we all get.


1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. (Now we know why so many products are on the market to do the same things. )

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. (Now we know why so many of us have problems being over weight.)

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, or jogging 20 blocks and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression . It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. (Could have saved all that money on Prozac.)

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! (Is this just that sweat they mentioned earlier?)

7 Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. (Doesn't he always start snoring within 3 seconds?)

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. (The problem is not every "headache" is a real headache.)

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. (More fun then using nose sprays.)

[Bartacus]

@CM Didn't know you had overweight :P
Number 4 isn't true -> Sometimes you need very special sneakers to get away from your wife.

[dteowner]

You know, Mrs dte didn't enjoy that one as much as I had hoped. Perhaps printing it out for her on Valentine's Day wasn't my best decision. ;)

[magerette]

Timing is everything. :)

[Cm]

I just had to post it. :lol:


A Blonde goes over to her friends house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a Thank GOD It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.

I thought it meant "Tits Go In Front"

[magerette]

Nice blonde joke, CM--here's a seasonal-themed one:

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

[Bartacus]

Strange, I've always pictured you two with blonde hair. :biggrin:

[magerette]

Just be grateful I don't have a list, Bart.

(Being both blonde and old though, I probably wouldn't remember who was on it anyway.) ;)

[Bartacus]

Okay, a joke for you magerette:

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

[Cm]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

[Cm]

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

To have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

And

Texas

~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions???

NO? Didn't think So.

[Cm]

This one is not as cute without the p