Return of the Daily Smile

[Arma]

Today's pick :

Some years back...

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

...you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[Corwin]

We've got pages of these stored in the DS thread back at the Dot. Feel free to re-post them here Arma, you know where they are!! :)

[Arma]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on; very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"

:biggrin:

[Arma]

Top Ten Reasons Why the Main Characters in LOTR Aren't Women


10. Gollum would have realized that Bilbo wasn't talking about a riddle when he said, "What have I got in my pocket?"

9. Boromir wouldn't have been killed by Orcs. He would have dodged the arrows.

8. Bilbo wouldn't have given the ring to Frodo (a lady never leaves pretty jewelry behind).

7. Gandalf would have been smart enough to realize that Saruman had become evil.

5. Boromir wouldn't have fallen to the power of the ring. She would have more sense than that.

4. All the robes of the Wizards would be more exciting colors like pink, purple, blue, fuscia, perriwinkle…

3. We still wouldn't be able to tell Dwarf men from Dwarf women. ("It the beard!")

2. Aragorn would've had to turn from the path of being Queen of Gondor, which is much harder to do.

And the number one reason why the main characters of LOTR aren't women:

1. Isildur would've been smart enough to throw the ring into Mt. Doom in the first place.

[titus]

keep them coming, they are great and fun to read

[Arhu]

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

[Korplem]

Kind of an old one here:

What is the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer will accept a 3½" floppy.

[Arhu]

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, utter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.

[Arhu]

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

[dteowner]

An oldie but a goodie for y'all...

"Donkey Racing in Texas"

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter him in a race.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep the the Preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. The donkey came in third. The next day, the daily racing form carried the headline: "Preachers Ass Shows."

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again. This time he won. The form read: "Preacher's Ass Out in Front."

The Bishops were so upset with the kind of publicity that the ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day read: "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass."

This was simply too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the donkey. The Preacher decided to give it to a nearby convent. The next headline read: "Nun has Best Ass in Town."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10. The next day the paper headline read: "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."

They buried the Bishop the next day. The final headline read: "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."

[Jaz]

My friend Tina (the sporty type, with very short hair) teaches at an elementary school. Last week a new kid asked her:
"Who are you?"
"I'm Ms. B., your teacher."
"Are you a man or a woman?"
"A woman."
"Do you have breasts?"
"Yeees."
"Will you bring them with you tomorrow?"

[Corwin]

Both-Brilliant!!

[Arma]

Two Books

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and ensuing catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and ensuing catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Haitham]

:D - All i read so far are brilliant and funny..

I think the most realistic & brilliant is:
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There is alot pretty alot of similar sayings from Arabic language but it's damn hard to translate with the same meanings. :(

[Cm]

Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I

said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent

on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,

just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

[Khass]

Would a troll cut travelers some slack if they figured out that you could actually just wade through the river to the other side? I mean you can see the troll under the bridge.. its RIGHT THERE. You know its there, it knows you are there, you both know that other knows that you are there.

traveler: "umm troll?"
troll: "..."
traveler: "don't pretend you aren't there. Im looking right at you"
troll: "im a rock"
traveler: "rocks dont talk"
troll: "doh"
traveler: "yeah.. anyways can i cross this bridge?"
troll: "if you want"
traveler: "just like that?"
troll: "well if you try i'll eat you"
traveler: "ah, i figured as much. what if I pay you?"
troll: "i could get the money anyways if i eat you. You cant bribe me"
traveler: "hmm... and if i just cross the river here to the left of the bridge?"
troll: "hmm... I suppose you could try that. If the current pushes you under the bridge though, i'll eat you."
traveler: "fair enough.. hey wait.. what if i cross here to the right, downstream?"
troll: "hmm.. actually I hadn't thought of that. Hang on lemme check my guide"
*pulls out the bridge trolls handbook and begins to thumb through*
troll: "hmm... demons.. dervishes... dinturans.. dragons... hmm... the handbook doesn't seem to cover anything about downstream"
traveler: "so i could cross downstream?"
troll: "oh, heres something under C for chasing.. bleh, Im not chasing anyone downstream"
traveler: "so you are an unmotivated troll?"
troll: "ah dont get me started..."
traveler: "well ok, Ill cross over there then. Good luck with the bridge thing"
troll: "alright.. try not to splash too much though. Im gonna take a nap"

.. It could happen, right?

[Cm]

Originally posted by Corwin.
______________________________________________
What did I say about men and women never being equal?

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with
the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes,
sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women!

[xSamhainx]

awesome

http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/1040/darkmarioev1.jpg

I dont know if pics are allowed of this is purely jokes thread.

Made me smile anyway!

[titus]

I don't mind the pic, it is awesome, but real funny :D

[Corwin]

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something obvious, but I don't get it!!

[txa1265]

Going crazy with confusion
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

[Khass]

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something obvious, but I don't get it!!

Took me a minute to get it, too. It's good ol' Mario! :)

Notice the ? blocks, the gold coins and carnivorous plants in the back.

[xSamhainx]

actually the whole pic wouldnt display, so if you save it and open it up you can see the entire thing. There's the gold coins and all that, makes for a good wallpaper!

[Cm]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Paxil CR and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

And, if I sent this to you before, I'm sorry. Achieving inner peace makes you forget things.:S

[Khass]

How come everyone today is too much of a pussy to smack their kids around? That's what I want to know: why are parents afraid to beat their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my ass. We didn't have a conversation about it. I didn't have a "time out." In fact, I've never even once been grounded in my life. What's the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don't you take him to a psychiatrist while you're at it so she can pull some disorder out of her ass to hide the fact that you're a bad parent?

Kids today need a good beating every now and then. If you don't beat your kids when they fall out of line, the next thing you know your son will go off and bang some dude in the ass just out of spite. You tell them to clean their room, they say "no," you smack them. It's simple; it works. Don't listen to these assholes on TV with their bullshit hippy psycho babble; if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a pastel colored room with Philip Glass pumped through the speakers 24 hours a day. Then again, it might not be all that bad because it will make your kids complacent, so it won't be as hard for them to swallow when they realize that they'll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle writing reports to make someone else rich.

The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter. By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down. To help you, the negligent parent, I've put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:

# 5 across the eyes
Five across the eyes. This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your kid think you're a pussy.

#
The sucker punch. Just ask the question "hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.

#
The yard stick. Or for those of you who don't use the arbitrary American system, this is also known as "the meter stick." This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks--usually enough to send the message.

#
The one-two shut-the-hell-up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.

#
The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe. If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. any time your kid comes home and begins a sentence with "she might be pregnant..." or "I can _____ if I want to..." where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid from screwing up.

#
The Dragon Kick. If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.

#
The skull thump. A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence--I can't remember which.

#
The one-handed chauffeur reach around. A quick reach around while you're driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.

#
The cane intercept. If you're too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he gets up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who's boss.

There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me. Here's how to tell if you've fulfilled your obligations as a parent:

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/images/beatkid4.jpg

Remember: never take shit from your kids. You make payments on the house, utilities, their clothes, school, and their food. You own them. If they don't like it, they can move out. If you love your kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don't grow up to be idiots.

[titus]

Dammit for asecond i was afraid you were being serious.
although I agree thaat a decent hit should be done and not all that psycho shit always. but this was going way too far if you read it while you are thinking: he means it :D

[lostnumber]

Maddox is a damn good read, he even has a book out now. If anyone is interested just do an "I'm feeling lucky" google search for maddox and read away. *Warning* If you would describe yourself as easily offended it would be best to stay away.

[Corwin]

Perfect Parenting!! :biggrin:

[dteowner]

I thought this was a joke thread, not solid parenting advice.

[Cm]

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

[Wulf]

It's surprising how many gamers like to cheat with their games. Here's just a few example of games cheaters excuses.

1. [The ego maniac] - I am a cheater, i always cheat, it's the way i play so there - o.k!

2. [The loner] - I want to be the most powerful hero early in the game so i can tell all my friends.

3. [The weekling] - The furry fluffy animals are so strong i cannot stay alive so i cheat.

4. [The liar] - I want to be a games developer, i am experimenting with the files.

5. [The masochist] - I get a feeling of great power knowing other players are struggling while i cheat.

6. [The pc-technician] - Well er'...(cough) my pc is playing-up so i have to cheat or not play at all.

7. [The failure] - I cheat as a relaxing therapy to overcome the complexities of life.

8. [The economist] - Each time i cheat i put money in the kiddies piggy bank so i am helping them.

9. [The two-timer] - My wife and i compete to see who cheats the most, it helps keep us together.

10. [the hopeless] - I can't help it, i was born this way.

[Bartacus]

Wulf, in which category would this one fit?

"I cheat, but only when I know I can kill the animals ahead. I'm just to lazy to load and save everytime."

[Wulf]

Bart, that is one of the worst of all, it's the "couch potato" cheater - almost too lazy to cheat.:D

[Jaz]

That's me!

[Corwin]

To be correct grammatically, it should be 'That's I' :)

[Jaz]

Oh, okay... that's I. :D Grammar Nazi!

[Corwin]

You vill speak good English and you vill ENJOY it!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

Just all be glad they have a spell check option or Corwin would be on you for that as well. :lol:

[Bartacus]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[titus]

Good one :D

[Cm]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog

[Bartacus]

I didn't enjoy that one very much, CM -> I'm more of a catlover and consider dogs to be loud, stinking and to clinched to a hierarchy. But at least you made it like the dog wrote it.

[Cm]

Yep, and no offense to cat lovers. The closing was what made me laugh.

[Prime Junta]

Dogs *are* loud, stinking, and clinched to a hierarchy. Just like cats are self-absorbed, wantonly cruel, and liable to give you a quite a number of interesting infections despite having a reputation for cleanliness.

But damn if I can help loving 'em. We had a dog who passed away last month. We just got a cat... and a puppy will be showing up for Christmas.

http://static.flickr.com/119/306486640_3074769f2e.jpg
http://static.flickr.com/106/259589218_bd9822012a.jpg

Hell, I'm sure an alpaca would be great too. I hear they're practically as clean as cats.
http://static.flickr.com/102/270271775_14ea230111.jpg

Or what about a wild boar for all you Gothic 3 fans?
http://static.flickr.com/29/67422318_a3dd598e0a.jpg

Or perhaps a cow?
http://static.flickr.com/34/67422217_a989e05eab.jpg

Animals rock.

[Cm]

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[Cm]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the$5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know!;)

There is more money being spent on breast inplants and viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections,
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Corwin]

Good one CM, and I'll skip all the obvious comments I could/should make!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

You're not as slow as I thought for your age. :lol:

[lostnumber]

Keep up the posts CM, I come here every day hoping you will post something. I would have picked #3 by the way.

[Cm]

Thankyou, and hope everyone gets a laugh now and then. ;)

Got this one from a friend today. No it was not me, but the word is it did happen to someone.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was a cancellation and the 9:30 am appointment was available. I took it.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.

I was more than a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No!!!"

(Now wait for it ......., this is too funny not to be true!!!)



She yelled, "I need the one that was here by the sink!!
It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!"

[Corwin]

ROFLMHO!! Definitely one of the best!! :biggrin:

[Bartacus]

Indeed, this is a good one. Though I wonder why CM tried to convince us it wasn't her. A woman that can decribe it so colourfull and all sparled like her ... ;)

[Cm]

Ok Bart, I have tried to keep the lists less cluttered with the new site. However you are pushing for your own page I see.

*Cm wonders where she should rebuild the barn, as it is becoming obvious she will have to take a few there very soon for some subtle education* *Evil Grin*

[Bartacus]

Thanks, but I thought I already had my own page. Anyway, here's another joke I found on the net:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

[Cm]

Good one Bart, and I was kind and tossed all my lists in honor of the new site. So now you are the proud owner of a new one. MUHAHAHAHA

[Corwin]

Does that mean I'm no longer on 3869 lists? :)

[Cm]

Yes, but you do have nearly 50 already, or should I say one list and 50 checkmarks so far. Bart is now at 3 since I made his new list a little retroactive.
*The evil of my vengence knows no bounds*

[magerette]

Old, but still funny:

At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like thecomputer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics :

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Cm]

To those of you with little boys...

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.


The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.


2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[Bartacus]

one of the NFG jokes:

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

[magerette]

Subject: Everything You need to Know About Marketing



People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing. " Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
* That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
* That's Brand Recognition.

You' re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
* That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
* That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
* That's Spam.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your butt.
* That's the Governor of California .

You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
* That's America .

[lostnumber]

The title of this thread cound't be any more apt, good one Magerette, that was funny.

[txa1265]

Love that one magerette! The best thing is that you automatically think of extensions as you read ... or at least I did!

[magerette]

I personally need all the humor I can get, so feel free to expand on the theme...I particularly liked Tech Support myself. :)

[Corwin]

Yep, one of the best!! Which dept do you work for? :biggrin:

[magerette]

Fortunately, what I have no longer needs marketing.;)

[xSamhainx]

I wish I had a joke or something to contribute, but I'm just not one who collects or even looks at this sort of thing. Except for in this thread ='.'=

So I'll post two funny stories I read today, well, I find them funny-

Giant Pandas Mating Bonanza (http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/old-black-eyes-is-back/2006/12/16/1166162364593.html)
"To boost sex drive, they once tried the remedy used by countless millions of humans: Viagra. "We'll never do that again," Mr Zhang says. "The panda was excited for 24 hours."

Bigfoot Professor Feeling the Heat (http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-bigfoot10dec10,0,1835284.story?coll=la-default-underdog)
"The professor says he has heard the strange wailings that some attribute to Bigfoot, and once he was in a cabin in Ontario when a big rock got thrown against an outside wall.
Bigfoot, he presumes"

[Cm]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex
I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again"

[Cm]

Grandma’s Christmas Cheer!

T’was the week before Christmas
And all through the house,
You could hear Grandma yelling,
‘What’s the name of that louse?’

Her shopping was done in June and July,
But now in December she’s not very spry.

The family you see,
Fell apart over summer,
By winter the nametags
Made grandma just mutter.

They broke up all summer,
Remarried, divorced,
Boyfriends were dumped,
One looks like a horse.

Sally’s now Susan,
And Tommy’s now Fred,
Andy is Philip,
And they wish Kurt was Ned.

Grandma’s trying to sort them,
Replace new mates for old,
But Grandpa’s been drinking,
And the memories too old.

Did Paul get the tool set?
Should that go to George?
Is Agnus with Andrew?
Or is she just bored?


The tape and the tags are now flying with glee.
Everything’s open just so she could see.
Grandpa’s now drinkin, he’s had far too much,
‘Just open the door and toss out the bunch!”

And you hear them explain as they pull out a gift,
"Take it or leave it,
Don’t give me no lip!!

[dteowner]

Spit takes at work aren't good, cm...

[Bartacus]

Corwin, did you know CM was Irish?

:biggrin:

But one for you, CM:

Reasons Santa Can't Be a Man
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

and two for the price of one:
A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

[dteowner]

You people are trying to get me fired.

[Korplem]

Whats long, hard and full of seamen?

A submarine!

[Cm]

One more check mark for Bart. (Good ones though. ) ;)

I wrote the Grandma one myself after my mom complained about that very think this year. lol

[enodenroH]

Ok you guys. Here's one from a joke book I read 18 years ago...

It's dirty Erny sitting in the back of his 4th grade class, a can of beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

The teacher enters the classroom and talks to the students.

- All right class. Today we're going to play a game. I'm going to give you the description of something I'm thinking about and you have to guess what it is.

- So let's start.

- It's green, round and it's a vegetable.

Little Mary raises her hand.

- Yes Mary?, the teacher asks.

- It's a pea.

- No. It's a lettuce. But I'm glad to see you're thinking.

- Here's another one. It's round, red and it's a fruit.

Jimmy raises his hand.

- Yes Jimmy?

- It's an apple.

- No. It's a tomato. But I'm glad to see you're thinking.

The teacher whent on telling them a few more when dirty Erny finally decided that it was time to ask one of his own.

- Hey teach!

- Yes Erny?

- Mind if I ask you one?

- No. Go right ahead.

- I've got somethin' in my pocket. It's long, it's hard and has a pink tip.

- Erny! How rude!

- Hey. It's a pencil. But I'm glad to see you're thinking...

Here's a short one from the same book.

Q : What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer?
A : A f..king know it all!

[Corwin]

Well done CM, (our resident grandma), we can easily tell that both are about yourself!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

*I hope Santa is sending a box of band-aids to Corwin, he will need them!*
*Sharpens her favorite farm implement!* evil grin

[txa1265]

Recent "Darwin Award" entry

(19 March 2006, Belize) Benjamin Franklin reputedly flew his kite in a lightning storm, going on to discover that lightning == electricity. However, certain precautions must be taken to avoid, as Ben Franklin did, sudden electrocution.

Kennon, 26, replicated the conditions of Ben Franklin's experiment--sans safety precautions. He was flying a kite, with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire.

The copper made contact with a high tension line, sending a bolt of artificial lightning down the wire. As Kennon was an electrician, Kennon's father told listeners, his son "should have known better."

Kennon is survived by his parents, six sisters, and five brothers.

[Cm]

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:"You mean I was here already?"

Moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has it's advantages! ;)

[Corwin]

Any comment I made would be totally superfluous!! :biggrin: What's my name again??

[enodenroH]

Q : What do you call a cow with no legs?
A : Ground beef.

Q : What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?
A : A stick.

I know, my jokes will never be as good as CMgamer's...

[xSamhainx]

http://pictureserver.funnyjunk.com/pics2/ronaldgetsshow.gif

This made me smile too - Tomb Raider Anniversary Edition (http://www.gamespot.com/pc/adventure/tombraider10thanniversaryedition/news.html?sid=6163567&autoplay=6163553&tag=topslot;link;3&om_act=convert&click=topslot) :D

[enodenroH]

OMFG!!!

I couldn't stop laughing Samhain! You're insane for posting this! :lol:

[Bartacus]

To corwin

I'll answer that one CM: Grandpa!

:biggrin:

[Cm]

:lol: Bart get's one checkmark removed for that answer. ;)

[Bartacus]

A joke for this First day of 2007

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

[Bartacus]

One directly translated from Dutch.

Two kids see a newly maried copple comming out of church. Says one to the other

"Hey, you know what. Let's scare them up a bit."

The kid goes to the woman and says:

"Mommy, can I have some icecream?"

[magerette]

And to really ring out the old year:

Supposedly these are actual headlines during 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Getting a little personal, aren't we?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Wouldn't it be easier to get them a GED?

Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
; Did I read that sign right?:biggrin:

[dteowner]

Good ones, folks. Better not tell Mrs dte about eating her young--she might consider it these days.

[Cm]

I know what she may have been going through with Xmass and all the holiday fun.
I just locked three grands in the shed for two days, it took a lot of the noise factor out of the confusion around here. :D

[Bartacus]

I know what she may have been going through with Xmass and all the holiday fun.
I just locked three grands in the shed for two days, it took a lot of the noise factor out of the confusion around here. :D

Now that is why I call you grandma! (fits your title now -> senior member)

[Corwin]

She's a grandma to ALL of us!! :) Some really good chuckles in that lot!!

[Cm]

Three stirkes and your out Corwin. Just wait for the "Revenge of the Grandma!"

[Jaz]

A stirk, is that something like an AD&D stirge*?

______________________
*These birdies were Cursed Children of the Typo, anyway. The originals - Latin 'strix', plural 'striges' - were blood-sucking, owl-like nocturnal birds. But, hey, who cares about typos when a game has a Rust Monster shaped like that odd critter usually contained in a bag of cheap plastic dinosaurs?

[Wulf]

"Revenge of the Grandma!" - - sounds good, when is it due for release? will it have character generation? - can't wait to slay those sturkeys...?....oh.. turkeys!..:lol:

[Corwin]

Will it be G, PG, M, or R rated!! :) Let me guess!!!!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

I'll let you try to guess. You have no idea what THIS grandma is capable of!!:p

[Corwin]

Oh, I think my Imagination is sufficent to the task!! :biggrin:

[Bartacus]

I'll let you try to guess. You have no idea what THIS grandma is capable of!!:p

Baking Cookies? :lol:

[Cm]

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?

A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

_________________________________
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

__________________________________


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

_________________________________

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

__________________________________

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

___________________________________

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

__________________________________

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[txa1265]

Nice ones :)

Here is one:

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

[Cm]

:lol: Been there and done that. :)

[txa1265]

:lol: Been there and done that. :)

Even with just two I can see that :)

[dteowner]

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.This is too true. Our twins aren't even going to know what they looked like in childhood. Their older sister will have enough pictures to do flip-book animation.

[Cm]

So very true. Thank goodness my youngest looked just like my oldest. I renamed a few pictures and told them they were of her. lol

[Corwin]

Hahaha, I can identify with the first 2 kids (all I had), but strongly suspect the rest would have followed!! :)

[Gator]

@Corwin - 3 kids myself. Don't worry, it does follow.

[txa1265]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, let me explain," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows." "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'".

[Bartacus]

:) Are you sure it was only a golf club wrapped around his troath and not a pitchfork in hiss ass too? (I wouldn't know who would use such a tool offcourse)

About the childs joke: First a woman, then childeren. (and if you read the first part, you just know that I'm going the wrong way)

[Cm]

Kids!

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock."

"I was just wondering if you were our son."

[Cm]

Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''

The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''



''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

[Corwin]

er....He couldn't have sex with a Peacock, it would have had to be a Peahen!! :)

[Bartacus]

er....He couldn't have sex with a Peacock, it would have had to be a Peahen!! :)

We are open minded for this one, Corwin, but it's true that it's even more unlikely that an offspring would be produced out of this.

[txa1265]

In honor of the various translation postings today, I give you:

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

[Corwin]

Good ones Mike; I especially enjoyed the Pepsi!! :)

[txa1265]

Bad Pun Alert (you have been warned!)

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[Cm]

*cough* *pulls out a bowel of butter for the corn* ;)

[dteowner]

Warnings aren't sufficient protection in US courts, mister. Off with his head!!!

[Corwin]

Mikes been playing too many games; it's affected his brain. CM is an expert on that condition!! :biggrin:

[Bartacus]

Don't know if this joke has been put here before, but it's a good one:

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[lostnumber]

Wow, I literally started laughing out loud at work! Thanks I needed that, it's way to damn cold and grey here.

[txa1265]

That's a great one, Bart!

Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. - Yogi Berra

Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".

Billing's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings

Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)

Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.

Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. - Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute

Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting. - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"

Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy: (1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder. - James H. Boren, Founder, President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]

[VPeric]

Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rich got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rich has been missing since Friday.

[txa1265]

Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rich got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rich has been missing since Friday.

... OK, my laughing at that one brought a crowd to my cube ...

[magerette]

Lots of good ones-and in the vein of 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone,' this one needs the Five Star Pun Warning as well.

Prepare to groan:

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted. "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals. When asked about clues to the crime,a spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

5. A man was feeling very sick, so he summoned his doctor. After a brief examination, the doctor referred him to an old home remedy. He took out a long, thin strip of rawhide, gave it to the man, instructing him to bite off,chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the man called again and the doctor asked how he was feeling. The man shrugged and said, "The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

[txa1265]

Wow... those are really bad - I LOVED them! :D

[dteowner]

We've all been transported to Callahan's...

[Bartacus]

@magerette -> I liked number two the most. It made me think of an old show on TV called LAVA (the Dutch people in here ever heard of Kamagurka??) were a person just stumbled in in a doctor's room yelling: "Doctor, I have problems from hyperventilation." When you finally get to see the patient, he has a small ventillator glued to the side of his head.

[magerette]

Bartacus I'm glad you were able to enjoy the puns-I hope you know I have spread most of your jokes across the US internet to my email list.
Hope you and other European posters are surviving the bad weather. That is NO joke;)

[Bartacus]

About the weather -> Not so many problems(we had two lethal victims and one fighting for his life, so not everything is ok) here in Belgium although the surrounding countries like the Netherlands and Germany have many problems. The windspeed was like 130km/h while in Germany 200km/h.
I was driving my car across the country and I had no heavy problems -> it seems that all the accidents like trees that fell upon the street happend elsewhere.

[magerette]

@ Bartacus
Glad to hear all is relatively well-the newsclips here looked bad.

Corwin--in view of your past math teaching background, thought you might be able to relate to this one:

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960's.

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish
and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or
the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a
profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
The topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2007
Un ranchero vende una carretera de
madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80.
Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar;)

[lostnumber]

$20 dollars will buy a lot of tortillas, god damn, that joke is depressing.

[dteowner]

According to the US Census, projecting current trends the most common surname in the US in 2045 will be Martinez. Truth is funnier than fiction, eh lostnumber?

[Corwin]

I actually have something similar I got several years ago. The frightening thing is, it's NOT really a joke!! I have old maths text books which do have similar problems!!

[Cm]

Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just..just...excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.

And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its..teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140..

1 - Cage - $50...

1 - Trip to the Vet - $30..

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker -

Priceless

[Corwin]

I think we've had that one before back in the old NFG days!!

[Bartacus]

We indeed had that one, but this will be a fresh one:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi

[txa1265]

Hehe ... I liked that one!

I'll spare the puns today and move to bad science jokes ...

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having."

Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think..." and he disappears

Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

[Corwin]

I liked the Descartes one best!! :)

[Bartacus]

Liked them all, except the first one.

[magerette]

"I'm positive," indeed! Don't forget this (vaguely)science-related one:
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb must want to change.

And then there's this:


** Californians **

So as not to be outdone by all the Redneck, Hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this.

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your Governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.

If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.


:biggrin:

[mudsling3]

OKie. Only the last one is true. :)

[Cm]

Ok check out the song a family member sent me. Middle aged Women. Listen to the words (http://www.heylisa.com/music.html). :-/

[magerette]

CM--you're destroying the frickin glamor,here ;)
All I can say is after the anguish of losing them, you won't miss your hormones at all once they're gone...now, your cogntive powers......that could be a problem :D

[Cm]

Fear not for me margerette, I have lost them both a long time ago. I may as well say it fast before someone who's name I shall not mention does it for me. :lol: One good thing about memory loss is you can enjoy the same things over and over in life, and feel like it was the first time each time. ;)

[magerette]

Agreed. btw thanks for that duct tape tip. :)
Edit: Right after this, I found this joke in my e-mail, so while we're extolling middle aged old bats:

Attributed to 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
"As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.

They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! "

[Cm]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good ones!

[Cm]

:biggrin: In keeping with the age of things theme: ;)

Slip of the Tongue:

It's the summer of 1957 and Richard goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Richard's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Richard what they're planning to do.

Richard replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Richard and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Richard's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Richard escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Richard.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:


"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

And yes most of these have been replays from the NFG halls.

[Corwin]

I really enjoyed the pig!! Makin' Bacon!! lol

[titus]

OW My god I almost fell over from the twist :D - screw :D hilarious

[Bartacus]

I just had to send magerette's joke to my former colleague(not Kristien for those of the NFG) with a note that she will like it in about 14ys.

[Bartacus]

One for the ladies (I felt like I had to do something)

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind.
a: 2.No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

[Corwin]

A very good collection!! I've seen some before, but it's amazing how accurate they all are. I'm sure even CM will have to agree!! :)

[Bartacus]

And a couple of other ones that made me laugh:

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back?
Because she got an ''F'' in Sex.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

[Cm]

Ok, here are two oldies from the NFG. If I recall Bart posted these as well. :lol:

Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

Blonde and Dictionary

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

Blonde Driving

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

[txa1265]

Cute ones :)

OK ... non-blondes now.

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

[Corwin]

Yay though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death (while I circle the block.....) :) Good one!!

[Cm]

Not sure who posted this one. But I still like it. :)

Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too @%$#@#$ stupid to own a computer."

[Corwin]

That's a true story and the 'help' guy got sacked!!

[magerette]

Bartacus--those are the funniest offensive jokes I've ever read!Keep up the good work and here's one which in your chivalry you left out:

Q:Why did God give women two sets of lips?
A: So they could piss and moan at the same time.

(for non-american english speakers, to "piss & moan" is a redneck colloquialism for major whining and does not specifically refer to bodily function;) )


And a seasonal blonde joke:

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up. She jumps out of her car,
runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Ann and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blond says cheerily, "Hi, my name is Ann, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Ann, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blond. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says:

(scroll down)




"Hi, my name is Dale; it's winter in Minnesota , and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."

[Cm]

One for the men (I felt like I had to give something back to Bart :) )

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a man?
A: Because 90% of the men who do their own laundry are looking for a women to do it for them. The other 10% are expecting a visit from their mother this week.

Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars a pleasant place for a women to spend time with a man?
A: It's the latest in gps directional finders. He can finally ask for directions in private and she doesn't have to yell at him for three hours to stop and get a map.

Q: Why are mens hangovers fun for women?
A: It is the only time we ever have using the vacumm cleaner .

Q: Why do men have larger hands than women?
A: So they can hold on to the remote, the beer, and a bag of chips and still use the recline option on their chair.

Q: How do you know when a man's about to say something stupid?
A: When he opens his mouth.


Men are like dogs. You can't always house break them, but they still think they are free if you let them out now and then.



Scientists have discovered a drink that makes men handsom, brave, great lovers, and the life of the party. There's one problem, men are the only ones who can see the results. Women still see the same idiot they always knew.

Men however continue to hope that one day the effects of beer will be permenant, if they can only drink enough.

[Bartacus]

Absolutely not true, CM, none of these. (I'm what one would call a bad looser) The larger hands thing refers even to something else. Some are saying it's the feet, but I remember a certain friends episode explaing that a mans hand stands to the size of sth else too.

Btw, how can you know when a woman says sth smart? When she starts her sentence with "My husband said ..."

[Cm]

Protest all you want Bart, but it will not change the facts. :lol: :lol:

[dteowner]

Now now, Bart. I had an aunt that gave me this bit of wisdom after she had had more than a few adult beverages:
"Know your place in the relationship. It's usually best to be under your wife."

[Corwin]

That sounds kinky to me!! :)

[dteowner]

I believe the term is "double entendre". Keep up, old man. ;)

[Bartacus]

double entendre -> double to listen, to hear?
Don't know what you mean by that term, Dte, but I can imagine that under the wife the best place is. :blush:

[dteowner]

A hint (http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/double%20entendre)
Definition #2 would be the key in this case.

[txa1265]

Since Garrett just had a birthday, old age jokes seem appropriate ;)

OLD WANTS never die, they become needs

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down

OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever

OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged

OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed

OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

WALT DISNEY didn't die, he's in suspended animation

[Corwin]

I believe the term is "double entendre". Keep up, old man. ;)

At my age, that gets more difficult every year!! :)

[Cm]

For a second ...........no this is a pg site. Never mind.

[magerette]

Forgot:
OLD TRUCKERS NEVER DIE they just get a new Peterbilt. :P

[Cm]

These really have a lot of truth to them

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

--------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said -

Well, you succeeded.

______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea...

you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror

______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

__________________

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

[Arma]

I know it is bad to make fun of other people, but ...

Idiotic ‘Millionaire’ Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever

Kathy Evans, the single dumbest contestant to ever get on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"

NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing “the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.”

After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:

“Which of the following is the largest?”
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

“Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,” said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. “I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.”

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

“Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!” exclaimed Evans. “Darn. I think I better phone a friend.”

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

“Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!” said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. “Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.”

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

“Come on Betsy, are you sure?” said Evans. “How sure are you? Puh, that can’t be it.”

To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’

“I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,” said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

“Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,” said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. “But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.”

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

Vieira thanked Kathy Evans for coming on the show, and tried to make her feel better about winning zero dollars. But after the cameras stopped rolling, she stood up and smacked her across the face.

“How could anyone be so stupid?” shouted the irate Vieira to cheers from an approving crowd. “Get out! Get out of my studio this instant you stupid idiot!”

As Mrs. Evans left the studio, she was jumped and beaten by several angry audience members. She is currently listed in critical condition at Mt. Sinai Hospital.

[VPeric]

Wow... no comment.

[Bartacus]

Strange, the intitials of miss Evans don't match with "CM". :p

[Cm]

>:( Now that really hurts Bart.
( Cm now looks for her PEN and Bart gets that special RED STARbeside his name!! MUHAHAHAHA)

Now back to the program:


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Corwin]

Cute, definitely cute!! :)

[dteowner]

Just remember, they don't put on a warning if someone hasn't done it...

[Cm]

That is more terrifying then funny if you reread the list.:rolleyes: :-/

[magerette]

Especially that last one...

[Bartacus]

Still I bet I can hold back a chainsaw with my .... :x

And CM, I could send you a pm, but "when one can annoy another in public, he can appologize in public too".
CM, you're one of the people I respect the most because of your intelligence as seen in the quallity of your funny remarks. The reason why I sometimes hit on you is cause I see it as something fun and you don't really mind. I hope now other people understand it a bit better and do not believe everything what is posted here to be true as I'm sure CM isn't really into torture and lists.

[lostnumber]

How would someone stop a chainsaw with their genitals? I'd be really impressed, no wait I take that back. I'd be really horrified. At least they can't have kids anymore...

[lostnumber]

You say that like torture lists are a bad thing.

[Myrthos]

Of course she is into torture and lists. She is an evil woman and groveling before her is not going to help you anything..... Although maybe evil is not the right word.... sadistic is better... that or educational :D

[Corwin]

See, Myrthos knows the truth about CM!! Now will you all believe me!! Read the team Corwin thread, or join our sessions and you'll quickly discover the truth for yourself!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

Bart is so right, and I love teasing with you for the same reason's. I know you will take it with a smile and the way it is intended.
Corwin on the other hand....x_x.....well you can all judge for yourselves. And Myrthos is correct, I am trying to be educational here. :leer: He would have been a good student of the barn I think........:rotfl:

[Bartacus]

Now off to the less serious posts again the Daily Smile was intended for:

I quote a person(Corwin) here at RPGWatch, cause it made me laugh:

When you get to my age, birthdays are depressing, but you can't remember why!!

[lostnumber]

Mr. Bartacus, I like your jokes but your avatar really creeps me out, what is it?

[Bartacus]

It's a smiling goat where a text fits like "I want a kiss". In real life, I'm as desperate as the goat, but I look a lot better -> 27 and never had a relation with a girl (no, I'm effinately not gay -> You can see this when a woman passes by: leg/ass fan)
Btw my previous avatar was Clint Eastwood from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

[Cm]

MAN OF THE HOUSE:

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE
MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".

"He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

"After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with m e and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

"Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The #&#%ING funeral director would be my first guess."

[Corwin]

The only question we need to ask, is did CM fail at the gourmet meal, or the bath!! :biggrin:

[magerette]

At least we know she didn't fail at providing a subject for the funeral director.:)


Edit: Careful, Corwin, it could just as easily be two..;)

[magerette]

Time for another round of Blonde Jokes:) :

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed , then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde" "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" - "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

DOESN'T GET ANY BLONDER!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Cm]

To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughing Souls)

Wisdom from Grandpa ...

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.


Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.

And remember my motto;
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
Safely in an attractive and well preserved body.
But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,
Diet Coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a wonderful day!

[Bartacus]

It should be titled "From grandma for grandpa"!

[Corwin]

My grandparents taught me that little children should be seen and not heard!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

I believe Bart posted this for us at the old homestead. ;)

FINALLY, THE BLOND JOKE TO END ALL BLOND JOKES...

A blond called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The Blondie said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............",
he sighed,........................................... .....................




Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
_________________

[Corwin]

I remember that one; it had to be explained, cause for all us non-americans, frosted flakes and tigers made no sense!!!!

[Jaz]

They have no Kellogg's Frosties in Australia?

[Sorcha Ravenlock]

They have over here in Ireland, the joke made perfect sense to me :D

[txa1265]

They have no Kellogg's Frosties in Australia?

Too bad, they're GRRREAT!

http://images.google.com/images?q=tbn:LZ84b62iMVmKCM:http://www.sife.org/news/newsletter/images/frosted_flakes_box_front.jpg

[Jaz]

Well, we have them, too, so...

[Bartacus]

And yes, in Belgium we know that one too. The name is a bit different -> Frosties.

[Corwin]

We have no Frosties, but we have something better, which I didn't see OS:- Kellogs Crunchy Nut!! :)

[Jaz]

We got those, too :). And Smacks (my personal favorite).

[Bartacus]

Instead of blondes, let's get those of our justice system:

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

[magerette]

Good ones!:D

A redneck joke:

A redneck was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says,

"Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they're not as dumb as some government employees.

[abbaon]

The Timex Helix instruction manual: (http://btb.timex.com/instructions/Helix.pdf)

INDIGLO® Night-light
Your new watch is tech. So much so that even the modest sounding ELECTROLUMINESCENT TECHNOLOGY used in the INDIGLO® Night-light had to be patented (US Patent Number 4,527,096 and 4,775,964) — you know, to keep it out of the “wrong” hands. At night and other low-light conditions, it lights up the entire face of the watch. You can't just give science like that away.
Anyway, it's activated by pressing the crown all the way in to Position 1 (see Figure 1.B).

NIGHT-MODE® Feature
THIS IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT AS INFO ABOVE.
If you aren't wearing your new watch, you should put it on your wrist now. Your watch is equipped with NIGHT-MODE® Feature (US Patent Number 4,912,688). It enhances our already amazing ELECTROLUMINESCENT TECHNOLOGY. Do not fear it.
Pressing and holding the crown in to Position 1 for about four seconds will make your watch beep and activate NIGHT-MODE® Feature which allows any button to illuminate the face for around four seconds — you'll know NIGHT-MODE® Feature is activated by the appearance of a tiny moon icon (see Figure 2) and another beep. To deactivate NIGHT-MODE® Feature, press and hold the crown again for four seconds and you’ll hear another beep. Now it’s deactivated. Okay? Okay.
The whole thing is like that.

[Corwin]

Please do not press and hold the crown for more than 5 seconds, as this will initiate the Patented (US 4917391) self-destruct mechanism!! :)

[curious]

in theory this could go in the music thread, but this is pure comedy. (the guy on guitar is the main songwriter of dubstar, but this is nothing like anything else they released and not just because the singer was female. still this is worth a laugh or a smile even if you didn't know that info)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWLckOVh4kM&mode=related&search=

[Bartacus]

I have a good one for the older women, not saying that there are any here.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

And another one

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

And offcourse another:

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

[Corwin]

My lips are sealed; I will not make a comment about Cm, I WILL not!! :)

[magerette]

I wish they'd had condoms like that when I was young. They might have made certain experiences into fond memories instead of horrible examples of what to avoid in life. ;)

[Cm]

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,

"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........


Some asshole's got my pen!"

[titus]

had to read it twice, before I got it, but then it cranked me up :D

[magerette]

CM always goes for the subtle humor. :)

[magerette]

For those having a bad day at work:

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

It really does work. You're smiling already. :p

[dteowner]

That just might be the best ever, magerette. Thanks for sharing.

[Cm]

Another NFG repeat posted by Wulf long ago. :)

A blonde police officer sees a car passing by at top speed. She instantly goes after it, and after having stopped the car, she walks over to the window. Another blonde woman opens the window, and looks at the blonde officer.

"Hello, miss. I'd like to see a driver's license and an ID please," the officer says.

"An ID? What's an ID?"

"Something where you can see your face on," the officer explains.

So the blonde starts searching for something where she can see her face on. After a while she takes something and looks at it. Pleased that she can see her face, she gives it to the officer. The police officer takes it, and looks at the face.

"Oh, miss, why didn't you tell me you were a police officer? You may go now."

[Cm]

I had to post this one I got today. :rotfl:


The Body Builder and the Blonde decided to go to his apartment after their dinner date.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great Chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her catching her at the corner.

He asks "Why did you run out of the apartment like that?"

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!"

[magerette]

For once the blonde gets the good line.:biggrin:

[Corwin]

Now that's a GREAT Blonde joke!!

[Bartacus]

Indeed and although I'm not blond, my previous av is known as "Blondie". (For those who don't know me from RPGDot -> Clint Eastwood in 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly')

[Cm]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send her a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe".
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her Daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges."
Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson &Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week. Then another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived written in a shaky hand.
The writings were the words "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Travel IQ magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."


Mom fainted

[Corwin]

:rotfl:Now that one's FUNNY!!

[titus]

I already knew that one, but it still cranks me up :D:D

[Cm]

I hope no one takes offense at this one. :)

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.


Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman
wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests
very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the
tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three
pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I
would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change
in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would
like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing
like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake
his Peter at you."

(They took a bus.)

[Bartacus]

A good joke but with a sidenote:
Do you really believe that a priest is born a priest? OK, I'm 27 and still a virgin, but I'm an exception in my country. I don't think a priest is that easily shaken.

[Corwin]

Actually, a Priest is born a baby!! :)

[magerette]

Corwin, there's a word for people like you:smartass: :biggrin:


This should offend preists AND golfers :) :

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice, a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[txa1265]

Actually, a Priest is born a baby!! :)

You mean they don't come out wearing that collar ;)

[Taxen0]

heard this one from a friend of mine. Don't know if its been posted yet, but atleast I found it funny =)


The difference between having Guts and having Balls!

Guts-is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

balls-is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of lady's perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a-ss and say, "You're next."

(do not try this at home :))

[curious]

hmm that second one might need to be renamed balls soon to be suffering from severe injury!

perfect lead into my jokes though. they are actually 2 in game jokes from the game sudeki as the 4 characters are entering the best/longest level of the game an underground grotto. there is some 'heiroglyphics' on the wall of a siren/mermaid and the 2 guys begin to make lewd jokes about the half-naked mermaid. her are the two humourous responses by the female characters that i found to be quite funny.

http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o44/mjfossum/siren.jpg

http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o44/mjfossum/bagofbones.jpg

great game by the way...

[Cm]

Thought of the day from Maxine...

What is the ultimate embarrassment for a man?
Running into a wall with an erection,
and breaking his nose.

[Corwin]

I think we have a smilie for that!! :) :wall:

[Cm]

This is an oldie but I still grin when I read it. :lol:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)

REPLY: Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!!

DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
_________________

[curious]

best ever:), thanks Cmgamer!!

[Cm]

Ty, Ty, we aim to please here.:blush: As I have said before, most of these were rescued from the NFG user group at the old digs before they cut it. I just can't remember who posted all of them and for some reason I missed some names in my rush to copy and paste. :whip: :]

[xSamhainx]

I find this pic pretty hilarious. I printed a 24x36 of it here at work!

http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w137/DonBarno/cats/117316462192.jpg

[Bartacus]

A joke about a man that's maried to someone with a pitchfork.

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.
"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me."
"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.
"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."
The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."
"Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser."

[Cm]

:cm: I think someone needs a short test of my pitchfork. :lol: Once more you make it to list Bart.

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called:
The United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These CAROLINA boys will be dropped off near the hideouts and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhart.


The Pentagon expects terrorism to be over by Friday.

[Corwin]

Here's a real life example of the ridiculous. My daughter is away from home at university. She needs to have the internet hooked up, so she sent a form off to the local provider. They sent her an email asking for confirmation!!!!! Without any connection to the internet, how was she to receive and read the email!!!!! Some people just don't think!!

[magerette]

Speaking of not thinking, that reminds me of the old tech help joke--

The guy at the call center is guiding a woman through a process, and tells her to just use her mouse to doubleclick the icon on the screen.
"I am, I am, but nothing's happening." she says.
The guy is having trouble hearing her, so turns the call volume up and asks her to try again, with the same result--- but this time he hears ---you guessed it--the click click of her mouse tapping against the monitor screen.

Undoubtedly a blonde ;)

[Bartacus]

Another Tec joke
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

[Corwin]

Follow up to my RL story. The internet is being installed in my daughter's unit which is a 2 hour drive away from me; the ISP sent ME the modem, cause I'm paying for it!!!!!

[magerette]

Corwin this is becoming an urban legend. O_O

[curious]

@corwin-
if you had a mad max vehicle though it'd be a sweet ass 2 hour ride!

[Cm]

I just hope they don't have the service setup to activate on Corwin's home phone number and not his daughter's number at school. :S

This won't cheer Corwin up much but the rest of us can laugh at it.

WHY ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt,you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. :idea:

[Corwin]

That last one REALLY apples to CM!! :)