Return of the Daily Smile

[Arma]

Today's pick :

Some years back...

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

...you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[Corwin]

We've got pages of these stored in the DS thread back at the Dot. Feel free to re-post them here Arma, you know where they are!! :)

[Arma]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on; very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"

:biggrin:

[Arma]

Top Ten Reasons Why the Main Characters in LOTR Aren't Women


10. Gollum would have realized that Bilbo wasn't talking about a riddle when he said, "What have I got in my pocket?"

9. Boromir wouldn't have been killed by Orcs. He would have dodged the arrows.

8. Bilbo wouldn't have given the ring to Frodo (a lady never leaves pretty jewelry behind).

7. Gandalf would have been smart enough to realize that Saruman had become evil.

5. Boromir wouldn't have fallen to the power of the ring. She would have more sense than that.

4. All the robes of the Wizards would be more exciting colors like pink, purple, blue, fuscia, perriwinkle…

3. We still wouldn't be able to tell Dwarf men from Dwarf women. ("It the beard!")

2. Aragorn would've had to turn from the path of being Queen of Gondor, which is much harder to do.

And the number one reason why the main characters of LOTR aren't women:

1. Isildur would've been smart enough to throw the ring into Mt. Doom in the first place.

[titus]

keep them coming, they are great and fun to read

[Arhu]

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

[Korplem]

Kind of an old one here:

What is the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer will accept a 3½" floppy.

[Arhu]

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, utter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.

[Arhu]

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

[dteowner]

An oldie but a goodie for y'all...

"Donkey Racing in Texas"

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter him in a race.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep the the Preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. The donkey came in third. The next day, the daily racing form carried the headline: "Preachers Ass Shows."

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again. This time he won. The form read: "Preacher's Ass Out in Front."

The Bishops were so upset with the kind of publicity that the ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day read: "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass."

This was simply too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the donkey. The Preacher decided to give it to a nearby convent. The next headline read: "Nun has Best Ass in Town."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10. The next day the paper headline read: "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."

They buried the Bishop the next day. The final headline read: "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."

[Jaz]

My friend Tina (the sporty type, with very short hair) teaches at an elementary school. Last week a new kid asked her:
"Who are you?"
"I'm Ms. B., your teacher."
"Are you a man or a woman?"
"A woman."
"Do you have breasts?"
"Yeees."
"Will you bring them with you tomorrow?"

[Corwin]

Both-Brilliant!!

[Arma]

Two Books

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and ensuing catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and ensuing catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Haitham]

:D - All i read so far are brilliant and funny..

I think the most realistic & brilliant is:
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There is alot pretty alot of similar sayings from Arabic language but it's damn hard to translate with the same meanings. :(

[Cm]

Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I

said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent

on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,

just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

[Khass]

Would a troll cut travelers some slack if they figured out that you could actually just wade through the river to the other side? I mean you can see the troll under the bridge.. its RIGHT THERE. You know its there, it knows you are there, you both know that other knows that you are there.

traveler: "umm troll?"
troll: "..."
traveler: "don't pretend you aren't there. Im looking right at you"
troll: "im a rock"
traveler: "rocks dont talk"
troll: "doh"
traveler: "yeah.. anyways can i cross this bridge?"
troll: "if you want"
traveler: "just like that?"
troll: "well if you try i'll eat you"
traveler: "ah, i figured as much. what if I pay you?"
troll: "i could get the money anyways if i eat you. You cant bribe me"
traveler: "hmm... and if i just cross the river here to the left of the bridge?"
troll: "hmm... I suppose you could try that. If the current pushes you under the bridge though, i'll eat you."
traveler: "fair enough.. hey wait.. what if i cross here to the right, downstream?"
troll: "hmm.. actually I hadn't thought of that. Hang on lemme check my guide"
*pulls out the bridge trolls handbook and begins to thumb through*
troll: "hmm... demons.. dervishes... dinturans.. dragons... hmm... the handbook doesn't seem to cover anything about downstream"
traveler: "so i could cross downstream?"
troll: "oh, heres something under C for chasing.. bleh, Im not chasing anyone downstream"
traveler: "so you are an unmotivated troll?"
troll: "ah dont get me started..."
traveler: "well ok, Ill cross over there then. Good luck with the bridge thing"
troll: "alright.. try not to splash too much though. Im gonna take a nap"

.. It could happen, right?

[Cm]

Originally posted by Corwin.
______________________________________________
What did I say about men and women never being equal?

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with
the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes,
sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women!

[xSamhainx]

awesome

http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/1040/darkmarioev1.jpg

I dont know if pics are allowed of this is purely jokes thread.

Made me smile anyway!

[titus]

I don't mind the pic, it is awesome, but real funny :D

[Corwin]

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something obvious, but I don't get it!!

[txa1265]

Going crazy with confusion
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

[Khass]

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something obvious, but I don't get it!!

Took me a minute to get it, too. It's good ol' Mario! :)

Notice the ? blocks, the gold coins and carnivorous plants in the back.

[xSamhainx]

actually the whole pic wouldnt display, so if you save it and open it up you can see the entire thing. There's the gold coins and all that, makes for a good wallpaper!

[Cm]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Paxil CR and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

And, if I sent this to you before, I'm sorry. Achieving inner peace makes you forget things.:S

[Khass]

How come everyone today is too much of a pussy to smack their kids around? That's what I want to know: why are parents afraid to beat their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my ass. We didn't have a conversation about it. I didn't have a "time out." In fact, I've never even once been grounded in my life. What's the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don't you take him to a psychiatrist while you're at it so she can pull some disorder out of her ass to hide the fact that you're a bad parent?

Kids today need a good beating every now and then. If you don't beat your kids when they fall out of line, the next thing you know your son will go off and bang some dude in the ass just out of spite. You tell them to clean their room, they say "no," you smack them. It's simple; it works. Don't listen to these assholes on TV with their bullshit hippy psycho babble; if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a pastel colored room with Philip Glass pumped through the speakers 24 hours a day. Then again, it might not be all that bad because it will make your kids complacent, so it won't be as hard for them to swallow when they realize that they'll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle writing reports to make someone else rich.

The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter. By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down. To help you, the negligent parent, I've put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:

# 5 across the eyes
Five across the eyes. This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your kid think you're a pussy.

#
The sucker punch. Just ask the question "hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.

#
The yard stick. Or for those of you who don't use the arbitrary American system, this is also known as "the meter stick." This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks--usually enough to send the message.

#
The one-two shut-the-hell-up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.

#
The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe. If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. any time your kid comes home and begins a sentence with "she might be pregnant..." or "I can _____ if I want to..." where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid from screwing up.

#
The Dragon Kick. If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.

#
The skull thump. A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence--I can't remember which.

#
The one-handed chauffeur reach around. A quick reach around while you're driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.

#
The cane intercept. If you're too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he gets up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who's boss.

There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me. Here's how to tell if you've fulfilled your obligations as a parent:

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/images/beatkid4.jpg

Remember: never take shit from your kids. You make payments on the house, utilities, their clothes, school, and their food. You own them. If they don't like it, they can move out. If you love your kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don't grow up to be idiots.

[titus]

Dammit for asecond i was afraid you were being serious.
although I agree thaat a decent hit should be done and not all that psycho shit always. but this was going way too far if you read it while you are thinking: he means it :D

[lostnumber]

Maddox is a damn good read, he even has a book out now. If anyone is interested just do an "I'm feeling lucky" google search for maddox and read away. *Warning* If you would describe yourself as easily offended it would be best to stay away.

[Corwin]

Perfect Parenting!! :biggrin:

[dteowner]

I thought this was a joke thread, not solid parenting advice.

[Cm]

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

[Wulf]

It's surprising how many gamers like to cheat with their games. Here's just a few example of games cheaters excuses.

1. [The ego maniac] - I am a cheater, i always cheat, it's the way i play so there - o.k!

2. [The loner] - I want to be the most powerful hero early in the game so i can tell all my friends.

3. [The weekling] - The furry fluffy animals are so strong i cannot stay alive so i cheat.

4. [The liar] - I want to be a games developer, i am experimenting with the files.

5. [The masochist] - I get a feeling of great power knowing other players are struggling while i cheat.

6. [The pc-technician] - Well er'...(cough) my pc is playing-up so i have to cheat or not play at all.

7. [The failure] - I cheat as a relaxing therapy to overcome the complexities of life.

8. [The economist] - Each time i cheat i put money in the kiddies piggy bank so i am helping them.

9. [The two-timer] - My wife and i compete to see who cheats the most, it helps keep us together.

10. [the hopeless] - I can't help it, i was born this way.

[Bartacus]

Wulf, in which category would this one fit?

"I cheat, but only when I know I can kill the animals ahead. I'm just to lazy to load and save everytime."

[Wulf]

Bart, that is one of the worst of all, it's the "couch potato" cheater - almost too lazy to cheat.:D

[Jaz]

That's me!

[Corwin]

To be correct grammatically, it should be 'That's I' :)

[Jaz]

Oh, okay... that's I. :D Grammar Nazi!

[Corwin]

You vill speak good English and you vill ENJOY it!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

Just all be glad they have a spell check option or Corwin would be on you for that as well. :lol:

[Bartacus]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[titus]

Good one :D

[Cm]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog

[Bartacus]

I didn't enjoy that one very much, CM -> I'm more of a catlover and consider dogs to be loud, stinking and to clinched to a hierarchy. But at least you made it like the dog wrote it.

[Cm]

Yep, and no offense to cat lovers. The closing was what made me laugh.

[Prime Junta]

Dogs *are* loud, stinking, and clinched to a hierarchy. Just like cats are self-absorbed, wantonly cruel, and liable to give you a quite a number of interesting infections despite having a reputation for cleanliness.

But damn if I can help loving 'em. We had a dog who passed away last month. We just got a cat... and a puppy will be showing up for Christmas.

http://static.flickr.com/119/306486640_3074769f2e.jpg
http://static.flickr.com/106/259589218_bd9822012a.jpg

Hell, I'm sure an alpaca would be great too. I hear they're practically as clean as cats.
http://static.flickr.com/102/270271775_14ea230111.jpg

Or what about a wild boar for all you Gothic 3 fans?
http://static.flickr.com/29/67422318_a3dd598e0a.jpg

Or perhaps a cow?
http://static.flickr.com/34/67422217_a989e05eab.jpg

Animals rock.

[Cm]

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[Cm]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the$5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know!;)

There is more money being spent on breast inplants and viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections,
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Corwin]

Good one CM, and I'll skip all the obvious comments I could/should make!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

You're not as slow as I thought for your age. :lol:

[lostnumber]

Keep up the posts CM, I come here every day hoping you will post something. I would have picked #3 by the way.

[Cm]

Thankyou, and hope everyone gets a laugh now and then. ;)

Got this one from a friend today. No it was not me, but the word is it did happen to someone.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was a cancellation and the 9:30 am appointment was available. I took it.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.

I was more than a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No!!!"

(Now wait for it ......., this is too funny not to be true!!!)



She yelled, "I need the one that was here by the sink!!
It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!"

[Corwin]

ROFLMHO!! Definitely one of the best!! :biggrin:

[Bartacus]

Indeed, this is a good one. Though I wonder why CM tried to convince us it wasn't her. A woman that can decribe it so colourfull and all sparled like her ... ;)

[Cm]

Ok Bart, I have tried to keep the lists less cluttered with the new site. However you are pushing for your own page I see.

*Cm wonders where she should rebuild the barn, as it is becoming obvious she will have to take a few there very soon for some subtle education* *Evil Grin*

[Bartacus]

Thanks, but I thought I already had my own page. Anyway, here's another joke I found on the net:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

[Cm]

Good one Bart, and I was kind and tossed all my lists in honor of the new site. So now you are the proud owner of a new one. MUHAHAHAHA

[Corwin]

Does that mean I'm no longer on 3869 lists? :)

[Cm]

Yes, but you do have nearly 50 already, or should I say one list and 50 checkmarks so far. Bart is now at 3 since I made his new list a little retroactive.
*The evil of my vengence knows no bounds*

[magerette]

Old, but still funny:

At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like thecomputer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics :

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Cm]

To those of you with little boys...

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.


The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.


2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[Bartacus]

one of the NFG jokes:

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

[magerette]

Subject: Everything You need to Know About Marketing



People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing. " Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
* That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
* That's Brand Recognition.

You' re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
* That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
* That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
* That's Spam.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your butt.
* That's the Governor of California .

You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
* That's America .

[lostnumber]

The title of this thread cound't be any more apt, good one Magerette, that was funny.

[txa1265]

Love that one magerette! The best thing is that you automatically think of extensions as you read ... or at least I did!

[magerette]

I personally need all the humor I can get, so feel free to expand on the theme...I particularly liked Tech Support myself. :)

[Corwin]

Yep, one of the best!! Which dept do you work for? :biggrin:

[magerette]

Fortunately, what I have no longer needs marketing.;)

[xSamhainx]

I wish I had a joke or something to contribute, but I'm just not one who collects or even looks at this sort of thing. Except for in this thread ='.'=

So I'll post two funny stories I read today, well, I find them funny-

Giant Pandas Mating Bonanza (http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/old-black-eyes-is-back/2006/12/16/1166162364593.html)
"To boost sex drive, they once tried the remedy used by countless millions of humans: Viagra. "We'll never do that again," Mr Zhang says. "The panda was excited for 24 hours."

Bigfoot Professor Feeling the Heat (http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-bigfoot10dec10,0,1835284.story?coll=la-default-underdog)
"The professor says he has heard the strange wailings that some attribute to Bigfoot, and once he was in a cabin in Ontario when a big rock got thrown against an outside wall.
Bigfoot, he presumes"

[Cm]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex
I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again"

[Cm]

Grandma’s Christmas Cheer!

T’was the week before Christmas
And all through the house,
You could hear Grandma yelling,
‘What’s the name of that louse?’

Her shopping was done in June and July,
But now in December she’s not very spry.

The family you see,
Fell apart over summer,
By winter the nametags
Made grandma just mutter.

They broke up all summer,
Remarried, divorced,
Boyfriends were dumped,
One looks like a horse.

Sally’s now Susan,
And Tommy’s now Fred,
Andy is Philip,
And they wish Kurt was Ned.

Grandma’s trying to sort them,
Replace new mates for old,
But Grandpa’s been drinking,
And the memories too old.

Did Paul get the tool set?
Should that go to George?
Is Agnus with Andrew?
Or is she just bored?


The tape and the tags are now flying with glee.
Everything’s open just so she could see.
Grandpa’s now drinkin, he’s had far too much,
‘Just open the door and toss out the bunch!”

And you hear them explain as they pull out a gift,
"Take it or leave it,
Don’t give me no lip!!

[dteowner]

Spit takes at work aren't good, cm...

[Bartacus]

Corwin, did you know CM was Irish?

:biggrin:

But one for you, CM:

Reasons Santa Can't Be a Man
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

and two for the price of one:
A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

[dteowner]

You people are trying to get me fired.

[Korplem]

Whats long, hard and full of seamen?

A submarine!

[Cm]

One more check mark for Bart. (Good ones though. ) ;)

I wrote the Grandma one myself after my mom complained about that very think this year. lol

[enodenroH]

Ok you guys. Here's one from a joke book I read 18 years ago...

It's dirty Erny sitting in the back of his 4th grade class, a can of beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

The teacher enters the classroom and talks to the students.

- All right class. Today we're going to play a game. I'm going to give you the description of something I'm thinking about and you have to guess what it is.

- So let's start.

- It's green, round and it's a vegetable.

Little Mary raises her hand.

- Yes Mary?, the teacher asks.

- It's a pea.

- No. It's a lettuce. But I'm glad to see you're thinking.

- Here's another one. It's round, red and it's a fruit.

Jimmy raises his hand.

- Yes Jimmy?

- It's an apple.

- No. It's a tomato. But I'm glad to see you're thinking.

The teacher whent on telling them a few more when dirty Erny finally decided that it was time to ask one of his own.

- Hey teach!

- Yes Erny?

- Mind if I ask you one?

- No. Go right ahead.

- I've got somethin' in my pocket. It's long, it's hard and has a pink tip.

- Erny! How rude!

- Hey. It's a pencil. But I'm glad to see you're thinking...

Here's a short one from the same book.

Q : What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer?
A : A f..king know it all!

[Corwin]

Well done CM, (our resident grandma), we can easily tell that both are about yourself!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

*I hope Santa is sending a box of band-aids to Corwin, he will need them!*
*Sharpens her favorite farm implement!* evil grin

[txa1265]

Recent "Darwin Award" entry

(19 March 2006, Belize) Benjamin Franklin reputedly flew his kite in a lightning storm, going on to discover that lightning == electricity. However, certain precautions must be taken to avoid, as Ben Franklin did, sudden electrocution.

Kennon, 26, replicated the conditions of Ben Franklin's experiment--sans safety precautions. He was flying a kite, with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire.

The copper made contact with a high tension line, sending a bolt of artificial lightning down the wire. As Kennon was an electrician, Kennon's father told listeners, his son "should have known better."

Kennon is survived by his parents, six sisters, and five brothers.

[Cm]

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:"You mean I was here already?"

Moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has it's advantages! ;)

[Corwin]

Any comment I made would be totally superfluous!! :biggrin: What's my name again??

[enodenroH]

Q : What do you call a cow with no legs?
A : Ground beef.

Q : What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?
A : A stick.

I know, my jokes will never be as good as CMgamer's...

[xSamhainx]

http://pictureserver.funnyjunk.com/pics2/ronaldgetsshow.gif

This made me smile too - Tomb Raider Anniversary Edition (http://www.gamespot.com/pc/adventure/tombraider10thanniversaryedition/news.html?sid=6163567&autoplay=6163553&tag=topslot;link;3&om_act=convert&click=topslot) :D

[enodenroH]

OMFG!!!

I couldn't stop laughing Samhain! You're insane for posting this! :lol:

[Bartacus]

To corwin

I'll answer that one CM: Grandpa!

:biggrin:

[Cm]

:lol: Bart get's one checkmark removed for that answer. ;)

[Bartacus]

A joke for this First day of 2007

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

[Bartacus]

One directly translated from Dutch.

Two kids see a newly maried copple comming out of church. Says one to the other

"Hey, you know what. Let's scare them up a bit."

The kid goes to the woman and says:

"Mommy, can I have some icecream?"

[magerette]

And to really ring out the old year:

Supposedly these are actual headlines during 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Getting a little personal, aren't we?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Wouldn't it be easier to get them a GED?

Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
; Did I read that sign right?:biggrin:

[dteowner]

Good ones, folks. Better not tell Mrs dte about eating her young--she might consider it these days.

[Cm]

I know what she may have been going through with Xmass and all the holiday fun.
I just locked three grands in the shed for two days, it took a lot of the noise factor out of the confusion around here. :D

[Bartacus]

I know what she may have been going through with Xmass and all the holiday fun.
I just locked three grands in the shed for two days, it took a lot of the noise factor out of the confusion around here. :D

Now that is why I call you grandma! (fits your title now -> senior member)

[Corwin]

She's a grandma to ALL of us!! :) Some really good chuckles in that lot!!

[Cm]

Three stirkes and your out Corwin. Just wait for the "Revenge of the Grandma!"

[Jaz]

A stirk, is that something like an AD&D stirge*?

______________________
*These birdies were Cursed Children of the Typo, anyway. The originals - Latin 'strix', plural 'striges' - were blood-sucking, owl-like nocturnal birds. But, hey, who cares about typos when a game has a Rust Monster shaped like that odd critter usually contained in a bag of cheap plastic dinosaurs?

[Wulf]

"Revenge of the Grandma!" - - sounds good, when is it due for release? will it have character generation? - can't wait to slay those sturkeys...?....oh.. turkeys!..:lol:

[Corwin]

Will it be G, PG, M, or R rated!! :) Let me guess!!!!! :biggrin:

[Cm]

I'll let you try to guess. You have no idea what THIS grandma is capable of!!:p

[Corwin]

Oh, I think my Imagination is sufficent to the task!! :biggrin:

[Bartacus]

I'll let you try to guess. You have no idea what THIS grandma is capable of!!:p

Baking Cookies? :lol:

[Cm]

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?

A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

_________________________________
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

__________________________________


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

_________________________________

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

__________________________________

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

___________________________________

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

__________________________________

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[txa1265]

Nice ones :)

Here is one:

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

[Cm]

:lol: Been there and done that. :)

[txa1265]

:lol: Been there and done that. :)

Even with just two I can see that :)

[dteowner]

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.This is too true. Our twins aren't even going to know what they looked like in childhood. Their older sister will have enough pictures to do flip-book animation.

[Cm]

So very true. Thank goodness my youngest looked just like my oldest. I renamed a few pictures and told them they were of her. lol

[Corwin]

Hahaha, I can identify with the first 2 kids (all I had), but strongly suspect the rest would have followed!! :)

[Gator]

@Corwin - 3 kids myself. Don't worry, it does follow.

[txa1265]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, let me explain," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows." "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'".

[Bartacus]

:) Are you sure it was only a golf club wrapped around his troath and not a pitchfork in hiss ass too? (I wouldn't know who would use such a tool offcourse)

About the childs joke: First a woman, then childeren. (and if you read the first part, you just know that I'm going the wrong way)

[Cm]

Kids!

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock."

"I was just wondering if you were our son."

[Cm]

Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''

The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''



''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

[Corwin]

er....He couldn't have sex with a Peacock, it would have had to be a Peahen!! :)

[Bartacus]

er....He couldn't have sex with a Peacock, it would have had to be a Peahen!! :)

We are open minded for this one, Corwin, but it's true that it's even more unlikely that an offspring would be produced out of this.

[txa1265]

In honor of the various translation postings today, I give you:

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

[Corwin]

Good ones Mike; I especially enjoyed the Pepsi!! :)

[txa1265]

Bad Pun Alert (you have been warned!)

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[Cm]

*cough* *pulls out a bowel of butter for the corn* ;)

[dteowner]

Warnings aren't sufficient protection in US courts, mister. Off with his head!!!

[Corwin]

Mikes been playing too many games; it's affected his brain. CM is an expert on that condition!! :biggrin:

[Bartacus]

Don't know if this joke has been put here before, but it's a good one:

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[lostnumber]

Wow, I literally started laughing out loud at work! Thanks I needed that, it's way to damn cold and grey here.

[txa1265]

That's a great one, Bart!

Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. - Yogi Berra

Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".

Billing's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings

Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)

Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.

Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. - Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute

Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting. - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"

Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy: (1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder. - James H. Boren, Founder, President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]

[VPeric]

Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rich got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rich has been missing since Friday.

[txa1265]

Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rich got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rich has been missing since Friday.

... OK, my laughing at that one brought a crowd to my cube ...

[magerette]

Lots of good ones-and in the vein of 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone,' this one needs the Five Star Pun Warning as well.

Prepare to groan:

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted. "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals. When asked about clues to the crime,a spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

5. A man was feeling very sick, so he summoned his doctor. After a brief examination, the doctor referred him to an old home remedy. He took out a long, thin strip of rawhide, gave it to the man, instructing him to bite off,chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the man called again and the doctor asked how he was feeling. The man shrugged and said, "The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

[txa1265]

Wow... those are really bad - I LOVED them! :D

[dteowner]

We've all been transported to Callahan's...

[Bartacus]

@magerette -> I liked number two the most. It made me think of an old show on TV called LAVA (the Dutch people in here ever heard of Kamagurka??) were a person just stumbled in in a doctor's room yelling: "Doctor, I have problems from hyperventilation." When you finally get to see the patient, he has a small ventillator glued to the side of his head.

[magerette]

Bartacus I'm glad you were able to enjoy the puns-I hope you know I have spread most of your jokes across the US internet to my email list.
Hope you and other European posters are surviving the bad weather. That is NO joke;)

[Bartacus]

About the weather -> Not so many problems(we had two lethal victims and one fighting for his life, so not everything is ok) here in Belgium although the surrounding countries like the Netherlands and Germany have many problems. The windspeed was like 130km/h while in Germany 200km/h.
I was driving my car across the country and I had no heavy problems -> it seems that all the accidents like trees that fell upon the street happend elsewhere.

[magerette]

@ Bartacus
Glad to hear all is relatively well-the newsclips here looked bad.

Corwin--in view of your past math teaching background, thought you might be able to relate to this one:

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960's.

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish
and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or
the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a
profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
The topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2007
Un ranchero vende una carretera de
madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80.
Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar;)

[lostnumber]

$20 dollars will buy a lot of tortillas, god damn, that joke is depressing.

[dteowner]

According to the US Census, projecting current trends the most common surname in the US in 2045 will be Martinez. Truth is funnier than fiction, eh lostnumber?

[Corwin]

I actually have something similar I got several years ago. The frightening thing is, it's NOT really a joke!! I have old maths text books which do have similar problems!!

[Cm]

Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just..just...excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.

And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its..teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140..

1 - Cage - $50...

1 - Trip to the Vet - $30..

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker -

Priceless

[Corwin]

I think we've had that one before back in the old NFG days!!

[Bartacus]

We indeed had that one, but this will be a fresh one:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi

[txa1265]

Hehe ... I liked that one!

I'll spare the puns today and move to bad science jokes ...

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having."

Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think..." and he disappears

Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

[Corwin]

I liked the Descartes one best!! :)

[Bartacus]

Liked them all, except the first one.

[magerette]

"I'm positive," indeed! Don't forget this (vaguely)science-related one:
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb must want to change.

And then there's this:


** Californians **

So as not to be outdone by all the Redneck, Hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this.

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your Governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.

If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.


:biggrin:

[mudsling3]

OKie. Only the last one is true. :)

[Cm]

Ok check out the song a family member sent me. Middle aged Women. Listen to the words (http://www.heylisa.com/music.html). :-/

[magerette]

CM--you're destroying the frickin glamor,here ;)
All I can say is after the anguish of losing them, you won't miss your hormones at all once they're gone...now, your cogntive powers......that could be a problem :D

[Cm]

Fear not for me margerette, I have lost them both a long time ago. I may as well say it fast before someone who's name I shall not mention does it for me. :lol: One good thing about memory loss is you can enjoy the same things over and over in life, and feel like it was the first time each time. ;)

[magerette]

Agreed. btw thanks for that duct tape tip. :)
Edit: Right after this, I found this joke in my e-mail, so while we're extolling middle aged old bats:

Attributed to 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
"As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.

They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! "

[Cm]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good ones!

[Cm]

:biggrin: In keeping with the age of things theme: ;)

Slip of the Tongue:

It's the summer of 1957 and Richard goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Richard's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Richard what they're planning to do.

Richard replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Richard and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Richard's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Richard escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Richard.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:


"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

And yes most of these have been replays from the NFG halls.

[Corwin]

I really enjoyed the pig!! Makin' Bacon!! lol

[titus]

OW My god I almost fell over from the twist :D - screw :D hilarious

[Bartacus]

I just had to send magerette's joke to my former colleague(not Kristien for those of the NFG) with a note that she will like it in about 14ys.

[Bartacus]

One for the ladies (I felt like I had to do something)

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind.
a: 2.No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

[Corwin]

A very good collection!! I've seen some before, but it's amazing how accurate they all are. I'm sure eve