Return of the Daily Smile
- Thread starter Arma
- Start date
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
*PUN WARNING*
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious
dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then
explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse
was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept
the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department
and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured
by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security
guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the
store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed
the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with
the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared............
(You're going to hate me for this . . )
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!"
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
nice on bart, needed to read that last line a second time before it hit me, but then I almost started laughing out loud right here in the bib of my school
Bartacus
BartWatch
Don't know if it's correct, but I'll leave that to the US citizens at the forum
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
4 isn't true that is even here with us in belgium 
Bartacus
BartWatch
I have another one and I think the woman ownes a barn or sth like that. 
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
the women that owns the bar is way too old for a whole night
half an hour will be enough :lol:
half an hour will be enough :lol:
Bartacus
BartWatch
I don't know titus, you know what they say in Dutch: "Wanneer een oude schuur in brand staat, ..." Translated it gives sth like this: "When an old barn is on fire, ..." -> The old barn is usually a reference to an elderly woman.
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Why do I get the feeling Bart is trying to poke a pencil in my direction while trying to avoid detection? 
Cm
Sentinel of Light
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a darned thing."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a darned thing."
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Corwin would be worried about the beer in the midst of all that. :lol:
Bart, you don't get off that easy.
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery..
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
*You knew it was coming!*
Bart, you don't get off that easy.
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery..
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
*You knew it was coming!*
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
I'm hoping and praying that NOTHING in the following post is true--otherwise it wouldn't be the Daily Smile, but the Daily Invitation to Commit Suicide over the Stupidity of the Human Race:
Subject: the Stella Awards!
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards!" For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your
head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking herankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California - you knew California had to be in the list somewhere, right? - who won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his
neighbor's hubcaps.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the
garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to subsist for eight - count 'em, EIGHT! - days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of
dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because
Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink
and broke her tailbone (coccyx). The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an
argument.
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said
the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
And I'm somehow not surprised to learn that the First Prize is to someone in my very own state:
1ST PLACE:
This year's runaway 1st place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, no less, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.
The Oklahoma jury awarded her - you are sitting down, right? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result
of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...or what?
Subject: the Stella Awards!
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards!" For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your
head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking herankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California - you knew California had to be in the list somewhere, right? - who won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his
neighbor's hubcaps.
5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the
garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to subsist for eight - count 'em, EIGHT! - days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of
dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because
Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink
and broke her tailbone (coccyx). The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an
argument.
2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said
the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
And I'm somehow not surprised to learn that the First Prize is to someone in my very own state:
1ST PLACE:
This year's runaway 1st place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, no less, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.
The Oklahoma jury awarded her - you are sitting down, right? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result
of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...or what?
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834