Return of the Daily Smile

I had to post this one I got today.


The Body Builder and the Blonde decided to go to his apartment after their dinner date.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great Chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her catching her at the corner.

He asks "Why did you run out of the apartment like that?"

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!"

For once the blonde gets the good line.

Now that's a GREAT Blonde joke!!

Indeed and although I'm not blond, my previous av is known as "Blondie". (For those who don't know me from RPGDot -> Clint Eastwood in 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly')

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send her a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe".
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her Daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges."
Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson &Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week. Then another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived written in a shaky hand.
The writings were the words "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Travel IQ magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."


Mom fainted

Now that one's FUNNY!!

I already knew that one, but it still cranks me up

I hope no one takes offense at this one.

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.


Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman
wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests
very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the
tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three
pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I
would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change
in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window.
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would
like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing
like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake
his Peter at you."

(They took a bus.)

A good joke but with a sidenote:
Do you really believe that a priest is born a priest? OK, I'm 27 and still a virgin, but I'm an exception in my country. I don't think a priest is that easily shaken.

Actually, a Priest is born a baby!!

Corwin, there's a word for people like you


This should offend preists AND golfers :

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice, a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Corwin said:

Actually, a Priest is born a baby!!

Click to expand...

You mean they don't come out wearing that collar

heard this one from a friend of mine. Don't know if its been posted yet, but atleast I found it funny


The difference between having Guts and having Balls!

Guts-is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

balls-is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of lady's perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a-ss and say, "You're next."

(do not try this at home )

hmm that second one might need to be renamed balls soon to be suffering from severe injury!

perfect lead into my jokes though. they are actually 2 in game jokes from the game sudeki as the 4 characters are entering the best/longest level of the game an underground grotto. there is some 'heiroglyphics' on the wall of a siren/mermaid and the 2 guys begin to make lewd jokes about the half-naked mermaid. her are the two humourous responses by the female characters that i found to be quite funny.

http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o44/mjfossum/siren.jpg

http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o44/mjfossum/bagofbones.jpg

great game by the way...

Thought of the day from Maxine...

What is the ultimate embarrassment for a man?

I think we have a smilie for that!!

This is an oldie but I still grin when I read it. :lol:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)

REPLY: Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!!

DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
_________________

best ever, thanks Cmgamer!!

Ty, Ty, we aim to please here. As I have said before, most of these were rescued from the NFG user group at the old digs before they cut it. I just can't remember who posted all of them and for some reason I missed some names in my rush to copy and paste.

I find this pic pretty hilarious. I printed a 24x36 of it here at work!