Return of the Daily Smile

Wow, I literally started laughing out loud at work! Thanks I needed that, it's way to damn cold and grey here.

That's a great one, Bart!

Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. - Yogi Berra

Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".

Billing's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings

Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)

Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.

Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. - Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute

Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting. - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"

Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy: (1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder. - James H. Boren, Founder, President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]

Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rich got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rich has been missing since Friday.

VPeric said:

Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rich got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rich has been missing since Friday.

Click to expand...

... OK, my laughing at that one brought a crowd to my cube ...

Lots of good ones-and in the vein of 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone,' this one needs the Five Star Pun Warning as well.

Prepare to groan:

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted. "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals. When asked about clues to the crime,a spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

5. A man was feeling very sick, so he summoned his doctor. After a brief examination, the doctor referred him to an old home remedy. He took out a long, thin strip of rawhide, gave it to the man, instructing him to bite off,chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the man called again and the doctor asked how he was feeling. The man shrugged and said, "The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Wow... those are really bad - I LOVED them!

We've all been transported to Callahan's...

@magerette -> I liked number two the most. It made me think of an old show on TV called LAVA (the Dutch people in here ever heard of Kamagurka??) were a person just stumbled in in a doctor's room yelling: "Doctor, I have problems from hyperventilation." When you finally get to see the patient, he has a small ventillator glued to the side of his head.

Bartacus I'm glad you were able to enjoy the puns-I hope you know I have spread most of your jokes across the US internet to my email list.
Hope you and other European posters are surviving the bad weather. That is NO joke

About the weather -> Not so many problems(we had two lethal victims and one fighting for his life, so not everything is ok) here in Belgium although the surrounding countries like the Netherlands and Germany have many problems. The windspeed was like 130km/h while in Germany 200km/h.
I was driving my car across the country and I had no heavy problems -> it seems that all the accidents like trees that fell upon the street happend elsewhere.

@ Bartacus
Glad to hear all is relatively well-the newsclips here looked bad.

Corwin--in view of your past math teaching background, thought you might be able to relate to this one:

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960's.

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish
and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or
the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a
profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
The topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2007
Un ranchero vende una carretera de
madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80.
Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar

$20 dollars will buy a lot of tortillas, god damn, that joke is depressing.

According to the US Census, projecting current trends the most common surname in the US in 2045 will be Martinez. Truth is funnier than fiction, eh lostnumber?

I actually have something similar I got several years ago. The frightening thing is, it's NOT really a joke!! I have old maths text books which do have similar problems!!

Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just..just...excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.

And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its..teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140..

1 - Cage - $50...

1 - Trip to the Vet - $30..

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker -

Priceless

I think we've had that one before back in the old NFG days!!

We indeed had that one, but this will be a fresh one:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi

Hehe ... I liked that one!

I'll spare the puns today and move to bad science jokes ...

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having."

Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think..." and he disappears

Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

I liked the Descartes one best!!

Liked them all, except the first one.