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January 5th, 2010, 20:02
The official thread for humor that's a little too partisan for the Daily Smile thread. I'll start us off:
==================
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada . POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq , and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall..' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it is virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks open a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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January 5th, 2010, 20:44
Originally Posted by dteowner View Post
The official thread for humor that's a little too partisan for the Daily Smile thread. I'll start us off:
==================
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada . POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq , and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall..' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it is virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks open a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'
But fortunately the biker had already used up the third wish with his question about the wall, so the mass murder was prevented.
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January 7th, 2010, 15:03
haha, LOL I was thinknig the same thing.
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January 19th, 2010, 13:47
Explaining different religions to the Hollywood generation. Not so much funny as interesting and amusing.

No, Moslems don’t believe that Jesus was the Messiah.

Think of it like a movie. The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament the sequel. Then the Qu’ran comes out, and it retcons the last one like it never happened. There’s still Jesus, but he’s not the main character anymore, and the messiah hasn’t shown up yet.

Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels. Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn’t count. The Moslems think the third one was the best, and Mormons liked the second one so much, they started writing fanfiction that doesn’t fit with ANY of the series canon.

"Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where." ~ Cortez, from The Longest Journey
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January 20th, 2010, 01:54
Very clever!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 20th, 2010, 02:21
Originally Posted by Arhu View Post
Explaining different religions to the Hollywood generation. Not so much funny as interesting and amusing.
I've been carrying that one with me all day .. THANKS!

— Mike
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January 25th, 2010, 18:04
http://dailycaller.com/2010/01/25/de…ere-sent-home/

All politics aside, I do find this very funny.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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January 25th, 2010, 18:09
They could send them home, but I'm afraid their wives would just send them back again.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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January 26th, 2010, 16:48
Talking of politically incorrect humour I see that Chris Morris has a satirical movie about suicide bombers coming out, should be interesting to watch.
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January 26th, 2010, 17:02
In a similar vein (In the original story it was the Lord who was the wishmaster, but since I am in a genie mood…):

A genie is de-lanterned by a german, a russian and a jew, and grants each of them a wish.

The german: "Destroy Russia".
The russian: Destroy Germany.

The Jew: Will you fulfill the other two's wishes?
The Genie: Yes.
The jew: In that case, I'd like a cup of coffee.

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January 28th, 2010, 01:57
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-a…-of-oops/full/

Satire of the upcoming State of the Union. Some probably won't enjoy it as much as I did, but it's pretty darn funny. A sample:
I can further report that Secretary Napolitano has come up with an ingenious plan to prevent a recurrence of the Christmas bombing attempt. From now on, all planes flying into the United States will carry not air marshals but Dutch artists. For we now know that when it comes to disabling well-born Nigerians attempting to detonate their underpants, Dutch artists are proven first-responders.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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January 28th, 2010, 07:16
A bit harsh, but there's no doubt he got the cadence and the style down pat.

“And what are we going to do about them? We can’t hang them all. We don’t have enough rope. And anyway, rope is expensive and I’m trying to cut the deficit. Ideas, people. I want ideas.”

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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January 28th, 2010, 22:03
This isn't entirely topical, but I came across it today and giggled.

"The Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual Song." (Is it possible to embed YouTube clips in posts, btw?)

[ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZmHC…layer_embedded ]
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February 2nd, 2010, 17:20
I frequent other fora where politics are discussed, and a thread about Osama bin Laden's take on climate change spurred an interesting development:

Originally Posted by Al Jazeera
Bin Laden deplores climate change

Osama bin Laden, the al-Qaeda leader, has condemned the US and other industrial economies, holding them responsible for the phenomenon of climate change.

In an audio tape obtained by Al Jazeera, bin Laden criticised George Bush, the former US president, for rejecting the Kyoto pact and condemned global corporations.

"This is a message to the whole world about those responsible for climate change and its repercussions - whether intentionally or unintentionally - and about the action we must take," bin Laden said.

"Speaking about climate change is not a matter of intellectual luxury - the phenomenon is an actual fact."
This turned into a discussion of Osama's viability as a presidential candidate based on his youtube releases:

Originally Posted by Poster1
Yet he's also very strong on the US economy, which is sure to be a big issue.

Bin Laden knows that if we continue our massive deficit spending it's going to lead to an economic collapse.
Originally Posted by Poster1
He's also the only candidate who has opposed both Bush and Obama openly.

And been against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

This will only help him get elected.
Originally Posted by poster 2
osama could be a strong third party candidate. a robust record on family values, anti-nafta rhetoric, expertise on national security and green issues.
he could build a rainbow coalition of social conservatives, blue collar workers, ethnic minorities and environmentalists and be a significant spoiler candidate.
Originally Posted by Poster 1
Let's not forget he's very religious.

That will appeal to conservatives.

He's also a veteran.

The fact he has military experience makes him more qualified than both Palin and Obama to be Commander and Chief.
Originally Posted by Poster 2
he's got executive experience, true, yet he's not a "beltway insider".
Originally Posted by Poster 3
I bet he's strongly opposed to same-sex marriage, too.
Originally Posted by Poster 1
He's also one of the few people who helped Reagan crush the Soviet Union.

Should go well in his campaign ads in Red States.
Originally Posted by Poster 1
Mildly offensive?

The guy has a solid platform now.

All he needs is a solid VP candidate.

He could probably give Al Gore a call, since they both stand firm on climate change.

Edit:

And his promisess on establishing peace in the Middle East and reducing our nuclear arsenal at the same time, while vague, appear genuine and would be a both be a boon.
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February 2nd, 2010, 21:05
Hilarious! I loved the 'not a beltway insider' bit.

EDIT: Was going to put this in the republican thread, but decided it's just not to be taken seriously, even though it will probably get some coverage as being serious, I can't force myself to look at it that way.

I have my doubts about how this poll was conducted, but in the interests of further poking dte with sharpened sticks, here are the results from a Daily KOS/Research2000 poll of 2,000 self identified republicans. (They don't say how many of them are institutionalized, but do note some may be residing in small isolated hamlets down in Dixie or in the Blue Ridge Mountains… ) All the bolding and bracketing is mine:
the Huffpo summary:
  • 39 percent of Republicans believe Obama should be impeached, 29 percent are not sure, 32 percent said he should not be voted out of office. [Very generous.]
  • 36 percent of Republicans believe Obama was not born in the United States,
    22 percent are not sure, 42 percent think he is a natural citizen.
  • 31 percent of Republicans believe Obama is a "Racist who hates White people" — the description once adopted by Fox News's Glenn Beck. 33 percent were not sure, and 36 percent said he was not a racist.
  • 63 percent [!]of Republicans think Obama is a socialist[!] 16 percent are not sure, 21 percent say he is not
  • 24 percent of Republicans believe Obama wants "the terrorists to win," 33 percent aren't sure, 43 percent said he did not want the terrorist to win. [Moderately encouraging, that so many think the POTUS is not in league with Osama]
  • 21 percent of Republicans believe ACORN stole the 2008 election [!!]55 percent are not sure, 24 percent said the community organizing group did not steal the election.
  • 23 percent of Republicans believe that their state should secede from the United States, 19 percent aren't sure, 58 percent said no.
  • 53 percent of Republicans said they believe Sarah Palin is more qualified to be president than Obama. [Don't *have* that many exclamation points.]
I hear banjo music…

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
Last edited by magerette; February 2nd, 2010 at 21:35.
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February 3rd, 2010, 10:02
hmmm, and americans wounder why foreigners sometimes think they are stupid ?
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February 3rd, 2010, 10:31
Since the forum is fine with low-brow material I bring some more stuff from that other forums

It is said that in old times being accepted in the Soviet Communist Party was no easy matter, and it required passing hard exams and tests. There was one of these tests which was especially demanding and it was reserved to those young people who showed the promise to form the true cream of the party. It is said that, however, this special test was discontinued after it was passed by a young candidate named Iosef Dzugashvili. The test consisted in giving to the candidate a gun loaded with blanks (and, of course, the candidate did not know this, and believed the gun to fire real bullets). Then the candidate was told: Look, in that room there is an enemy of the people. Ask no questions, go in there and kill him or her?. As a further element of the test the examiners had placed in the room the candidates mother.

Of course, the majority of candidates refused to shoot their own mother and so did not pass the test. A few did manage to shoot the old lady, perhaps because they were truly ruthless or perhaps because they were smart enough to imagine that the gun would only fire blanks. But with the young Stalin things went a different way. The examiners heard several shots, then a tremendous noise.
Then Stalin came out of the room holding the gun and sayng: Why the hell did you give me a gun that doesn?t work? I had to kill her using a
chair!?
In a Soviet pre-school, the teacher describes the Soviet Union to the children: "In the Soviet Union all kids are happy. In the Soviet Union all kids have lots of beautiful toys and live in great apartments…" Suddenly one child starts to cry and scream: "I want to go to the Soviet Union!"
A Georgian gets on a plane flight to Moscow. In the middle of the flight, another passenger pulls out a gun and demands the pilot fly to Paris. The Georgian jumps him, beats him silly, and announces "This plane flies to Moscow, as planned." When he lands, he is awarded a Hero of the Soviet Union medal. After the ceremony, the KGB interrogates him. "Tell us the truth, why did you really stop the hijacking?" The Georgian replies "There was no way I could have sold the oranges I was smuggling in Paris!"
There was an international competition for the best book about elephants.

France submitted a lavishly illustrated volume titled "Love triangles in the elephants' families."

England presented a treatise "Elephants and the World Trade."

Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction into elephantology."

The USA furnished one million copies of a leaflet announcing a sweepstakes, "Win an Elephant. No purchase necessary."

The USSR sent three volumes, with the following titles:
Vol. 1. Role of elephants in the Great October Socialist Revolution.
Vol. 2. The happy life of elephants under the sun of the most progressive in the world Soviet Constitution.
Vol. 3. Russia - the Motherland of elephants.
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February 3rd, 2010, 11:24
I've heard the elephant joke told about Finns instead of Soviets. The Finnish contribution was "The Elephant and the Finnish Winter War (1939-1940)."
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February 3rd, 2010, 15:22
>Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction into elephantology."

I can subscribe to this one.

Back in the 70's, in my second year at med school I found a german book on histology (how cells organize themselves to form tissues, which for organs in the body).

It was book 8 in volume 4 of the "Handbuch der Histologie des Menschen" ("Handbook of human histology"). Volume 4 covered the human nervous system. Book 8 consisted of 800 pages covering allocortex, one of the 3 types of cerebral cortex in humans.

I never found out the total number of books and pages.

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February 3rd, 2010, 15:38
Yeah, that particular one targets national stereotypes as much as it targets communism. Germany is infamous for it's volimunous treatises throughout the academic world
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