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February 14th, 2008, 17:57
Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one. '

>>>>
>>>>

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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February 14th, 2008, 17:58
A good joke for this 'special' day.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 14th, 2008, 18:21
A new take on one of those emails we all get.


1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. (Now we know why so many products are on the market to do the same things. )

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. (Now we know why so many of us have problems being over weight.)

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, or jogging 20 blocks and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression . It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. (Could have saved all that money on Prozac.)

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! (Is this just that sweat they mentioned earlier?)

7 Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. (Doesn't he always start snoring within 3 seconds?)

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. (The problem is not every "headache" is a real headache.)

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. (More fun then using nose sprays.)

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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February 14th, 2008, 22:53
@CM Didn't know you had overweight
Number 4 isn't true -> Sometimes you need very special sneakers to get away from your wife.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 15th, 2008, 16:56
You know, Mrs dte didn't enjoy that one as much as I had hoped. Perhaps printing it out for her on Valentine's Day wasn't my best decision.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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February 15th, 2008, 18:49
Timing is everything.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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February 19th, 2008, 19:00
I just had to post it.


A Blonde goes over to her friends house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a Thank GOD It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.

I thought it meant "Tits Go In Front"

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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February 19th, 2008, 19:30
Nice blonde joke, CM—here's a seasonal-themed one:

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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February 19th, 2008, 23:54
Strange, I've always pictured you two with blonde hair.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 20th, 2008, 01:42
Just be grateful I don't have a list, Bart.

(Being both blonde and old though, I probably wouldn't remember who was on it anyway.)

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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February 24th, 2008, 19:15
Okay, a joke for you magerette:

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 25th, 2008, 20:11
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 5th, 2008, 17:18
Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

To have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

And

Texas

~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions???

NO? Didn't think So.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 5th, 2008, 17:25
This one is not as cute without the pics but still makes you smile.

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.


He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELYthe frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?


COME ON GUESS!





OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE

FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old…….



NOT DEAD!!!!!

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 5th, 2008, 18:00
Good one, cm.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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March 6th, 2008, 04:38
First hand experience most likely!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 6th, 2008, 14:19
I changed the genders around to protect YOU Corwin.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 6th, 2008, 18:52
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
I changed the genders around to protect YOU Corwin.
So you are in fact a man or did I miss something

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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March 6th, 2008, 19:32
RIP Bart we will miss you

This is my way of the Ninja: I never take back my word
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March 7th, 2008, 01:02
… it is a good thing that cm is such a nice person or this place would look like the desert sands in Loki last night as my Egyptian Sorcerer laid waste to it with a host of fireballs!

— Mike
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