Return of the Daily Smile

@Jaz: Funny, although I have to listen to it a couple of times to get everything. But I DID get why the kiss was refused.

Now here's a (hopefully made-up) patch note for Age of Conan. Found it on Something Awful:

Welcome to the open beta for Age Of Conan: Hyborian Adventures, the MMO that brings Robert E. Howard's vision to life! New players may wish to jump right into the game, but those of you who took part in the closed beta may wish to familiarize yourself with the changes that have been made in preparation for this open beta.

Quests
* The quest "Kill Some Things" now concludes after you have killed some things, not before.

Player Character
* Fixed the beard that appeared on female characters during character creation. The beard should now be fuller and match the color of your character's hair.
* Muscles now bulge and flex appropriately when tickled.

Classes
Assassin
* After hiding, you can not move until another player finds and tags you.

Barbarian
* Creating a Cimmerian barbarian with black hair and a name like Conann will replace the single player portion of the game with a sceen that reads "You are a douchebag".

Bear Shaman
* Although this change was crucial to make the game balanced, it goes against the lore and is sure to be controversial. Instead of limiting the ability to wooded areas, Bear Shaman can now shit pretty much anywhere.

Dark Templar
* The amount of life you drain from enemies is now calculated by how hot your enemy is on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being like, Adriana Lima or something.

Demonologist
* Removed demons.

Guardian
* Shields can no longer be thrown, then caught up to and sat upon in midair until level 40, when other mounts become available.

Audio
* Disabled the "La Cucaracha" car horn that blared when players pressed the H key.
* Lowered the volume of all dialogue recorded by Gilbert Gottfried.

NPCs
* Gronmak no longer patrols his hut with a swimming animation.
* Fixed a bug which caused an extra set of eyelids to slide over Blandau the Wicked's nipples when he blinked.
* Storbo the weaponsmith now accepts the same currency as all other merchants. In related news, removed the "cupped hands" animation for player characters.

Mobs
* Crocodiles no longer float into the air and out of your reach when they are low on health.
* Added extra limbs and heads to all creatures to increase the level of dismemberment.
* Some inhuman mobs have been given all the powers of our Game Masters. Be careful out there or you might have your account closed!
 
Washington D.C. - A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.

Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
============================
Ionia, Michigan - When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
============================
Radnor, Pennsylvania - Police interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
============================
Toronto, Canada - A gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise.

The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see.
============================
Modesto, CA - Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.

King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
============================
Virginia Beach - A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."
============================
Los Angeles, California - Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control him- self during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
 
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That panty disguise just never works. :(

____________________________________________________________________

Here's a mildly humorous look at the evolution of the concept of ""elf" in games and elsewhere:
http://www.cracked.com/funny-2307-elves/

image snip:
comparison.jpg
 
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What's wrong with this picture? Actual screenshot from Amazon.com, you can see the URL in it and go there yourself if you don't believe me.

Look at the "Customers who bought this item also bought" line.

Fourth from the left.

The implications are… disturbing.

I also got a giggle today by typing "proof that" into Google's search box, and looking at the suggestions. Try it, if curious…
 

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That must be for a part of the service I've never participated in. :)
 
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That's not something we offer in the Protestant community; I wonder what the Pope thinks about all that, or what he does with the bottles he receives!! :D
 
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Thanks PJ! :D That was one to share with the wife for a good laugh!
 
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They never offered that at my church! Come to think of it.....the little old lady who was in charge of ordering that stuff did always have a really sweet smile. ;)
 
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I didn't know you had a really sweet smile!! :)
 
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:slap:Cm steps over a few threads and borrows that dead fish from T for one more use!:slap:
 
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Haven't posted any blonde jokes in a long time—most of these are fairly fresh:
A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..
Helllloooo!!!……..bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ….
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid…..wrong instructions….
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing…….
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm……
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'…..isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's…..
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days …..
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'…..there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
 
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Those are great. I have a real life story about my poor sister. She went out with a few of my other sisters and they got her a bit drunk. ( She does not do well with alcohol) They all piled out of the car, while she was messing in her purse and closed the doors which instantly locked.

You guessed it, she started screaming she was stuck and for someone to let her out. Sad thing is they were sober enough to keep acting like there was no way to save her and she was drunk enough to panic for nearly five minutes.

Worse is she is not blonde. But one of my sisters mailed her some hair dye a few weeks later with instructions to use same so she matched her IQ.
 
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Worse is she is not blonde. But one of my sisters mailed her some hair dye a few weeks later with instructions to use same so she matched her IQ.
And, did you use it?
 
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Hummm..........I may have to add your name to my list BK.......:cm: I will let you guess why I got that smile named after me. :lol:
 
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Cm wouldn't need dye, she's already........... :)
 
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That makes TWO for the list this week!
 
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