Return of the Daily Smile

This one is for the adults only!

hubba hubba!

Found this one while cleaning out my inbox. Good for a chuckle:


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I think that all people who work in the background always have great humor! Must come with the job...


Here's a collection of 40 things you'd love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

Slightly off : A few days ago it occurred to me that the C-RPG "Sudeki" sounds a lot like "Sudoku".

So, why not making an maths-based C-RPG ... ?

Arhu, I don't get the part about NOT saying those things!! I've been saying many of them for years!!!!

These sayings could've been exactly from the mouth of Lord Vetinary !

I used to have # 6 on my banner screensaver, Arhu. I remember it fondly, even if others don't.

I really look forward to these days :

Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
Soon a grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out, "We bet we
can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you
can guess it, you old fools!"

One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts
and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at
him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to
jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,
"You're 84 years old!"

How in the world did you guess?!?"

The grandmas looked at each other and snickered .

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled
in unison: "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday"

He he. Glad it wasn't me. Ok, I found one that makes use of... spoiler tags!


The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional.” Click on "show" for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

Magerette, I realise that you and CM were likely 2 of the grandmas (I don't DARE say who the third might be), BUT let me state quite clearly, so there is NO misunderstanding, I was NOT the grandpa!!!!

No he just WISHES he could be.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED LIVING IN KENTUCKY:

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their f eet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Kentucky.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Kentucky plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM KENTUCKY IF:>

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car .

You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and basketball scores.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . .it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinkin driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Kentucky (and those who just wish they were).

Not EVERYONE can be a Kentuckian; it's an art form and a gift from God.

Here in the Bustling Metropolis, we can see Kentucky across the river. A fair number of those folks come over the bridge to work here. The above ain't funny, it's just plain fact.

Back when I was living in Indianapolis, we used to call one of the rural suburbs Martin-tucky (Martinsville). I'm here to tell ya, those folks ain't got nothin' on the real McCoy.

I am from there Dte and you are right, these are just the facts.

More Smart-Ass remarks!

****************************************************************

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
****************************************************************
A cop has been running a speed trap and finally gets to pull someone over:

The cop got out of his car and said:
"Kid I've been waiting here all day to catch you speeding like that!"

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

****************************************************************

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
****************************************************************
AND WINNER OF THE SMART-ASS OF THE YEAR TROPHY.......(drum roll, please)

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at
the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well,
I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

(Now THAT'S one Smart-Ass teacher!!!)

Corwin said:

Magerette, I realise that you and CM were likely 2 of the grandmas (I don't DARE say who the third might be), BUT let me state quite clearly, so there is NO misunderstanding, I was NOT the grandpa!!!!

Click to expand...

Indeed, Idon't think CM would ask that of you.

a small joke arrived by email to me:

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Good one Bart!

Yep, Bart wins today's prize, though Cm's teacher is a very close second!!

Good one, Bartacus! BTW--those were PURELY HYPOTHETICAL grandmas!

Found this during the spring clean of my inbox, it's old, but has lost nothing with age, unlike myself :


Subject: John Cleese's Letter to the United States


In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, and other U.S.territories (excepting Mississippi, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptably inefficient form of communication.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyer or therapists. Guns will be outlawed and confiscated. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you desire to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American-made cars are hereby banned. This is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will immediately adopt the metric system. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animalfat, and dressed with vinegar.

The icy tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of accepted provena nce will be referred toas "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,"so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Hearing Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. Those of you brave enough may, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Her Majesty's tax collector will arrive shortly arrange payment of all monies due since1776.

Thank you for your co-operation

John Cleese

The above text got more nods out of me than my professors will ever do, sadly. Very nice, nonetheless.