To live or exist?

This post is just mostly about the stupidity of people, and people like us in general. While this may not be true for all of us, I believe it is true to some extent for all of us.

I was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness. I’ll skip the details and just say that my body is too manly for terminal illness and decided terminal illness was gay, so it downgraded it to two serious illnesses that fooled people into thinking it was a terminal illness.

My life changed drastically after I was told I was going to die. But my life really didn’t. I have always said I’ll work until the day I die, so my life was just business as usual.

What was the drastic change is hard to explain, but also very easy. When I was at work I was happier, knowing there was an end to the grind, and when I got home I didn’t think about anything besides squeezing every precious second into spending time with my family. I have always had fun playing with my kid. But just watching her, absorbing her, really, really seeing her, without thoughts in my mind of getting the time in so my conscience will be clean before I get on the computer and start tuning her out.

Me and my wife, instead of ignoring the conversations we usually do, or avoiding interaction, or doing things together that would allow us not to talk to each other (like watching movies or TV), had those hard conversations without fights, worries or stress.

I started living and stopped existing. Any stress or worry I had went away. I looked forward to and got great enjoyment out of spending all my time with family. Going to see other family went from a dreaded, annoying, waste of time to something I looked forward to.

Now, I kind of glossed over living and existing, but that one sentence summarizes it. For a while I knew what it actually was to live the good life. To have one of those ridiculous TV families that got along so well it was sickening. Those families that were close and didn’t see spending time together as obligatory and a bump in the road to doing what you really enjoy (in our case, or my case, getting on the computer and having my alone time, or relaxation time). All my time was relaxing. At work I looked forward to getting home not because work sucks and I wanted to play a game, but because I was excited to spend time with my family.

Jack London wrote, “The object of man is to live, not exist.” And until you really start living its hard to understand how true that is.

Now this is the kicker. Once we found out I wasn’t going to die things slowly changed back to just existing. A couple days later I was spending time with my family and having a good time, but I just wanted to get away. Go escape them. Loose myself in a game, or at least turn my family into background noise as I read forums.

It came to a head yesterday, while all my family came over to our place, and I kept sneaking away to go reply to a stupid forum argument I got myself into that in all actuality on something I really didn’t care that much about. My wife kept coming to get me and I’d tell her I wouldn’t go back, but I kept doing it. We had a talk last night and I told her that I wish I were still dying because I’ve never liked life so much. She said things could always be that way without me dying, and its true. Buts its not. Its true in theory, but in practice I retreat and seek any form of escapism I can find. But what I really want is to have it the way it was, to not want to avoid them, or put in my obligatory time with them. To change my thinking back to when I was living and I saw any time not spent with them was a waste of time, and not vice versa.

I’m sure some of us have that perfect balance of family/alone time. But I’m 100% sure that everyone here has chosen to play a new game over using their time more wisely and spending it with their family and loved ones. I’m sure we all really want to rush home from work and spend a full and fulfilling evening with our loved ones, but spend it saving the world of this game or that instead. What makes us so stupid to see the truth, be able to live a dream life, yet not do it? Why did I have to be told I was dying to really live? Why, right now, am I so glad my wife is at work and I have the day off? Why did I pop in a video for my kid so I could write this? What I really want right now is a new game I can really lose myself in, think about while at work, and rush home to play. But what I actually want is to live again, I’m just too stupid to do it.

If you are a stronger person than I am, I hope you’ll give up the internet and game playing right now. Start really living. If you are as weak and pathetic as I am, I hope you get misdiagnosed with a terminal illness so you can see what living is all about.

Having gone through major cancer surgery 2 years ago and finishing chemotherapy just about 18 months ago, I totally concur. Living is more than breathing, eating and occasionally deigning to turn off the computer and spend time with family. Life is interaction and discovering that who you are isn't a product of what you do at work or how much money you have but in the quality of the relationships you foster.

Every day I wake up wondering if my cancer is back, knowing that one of these days it'll reach up and grab me. Yet every day I wake up thanking God that I've been given yet another chance to live and love and make a lasting and meaningful mark on this world.

Sadly, I had read things like this before the harsh reality smacked me up side of the head two years ago. Generally speaking, it doesn't make an impression until it happens to you. Still, it all bears saying on the off chance that someone will hear it and heed the advice.

What the chance if even we don't? It didn't even make me rethink my life, it just made me start living it. I had more fun and fulfilment in those almost two months than I have since I was 6.

This goes beyond introvert/extrovert personality types. Its about escapism. When we are grandparents we aren't going to tell our grandkids about how a town built a statue in honor of our party in BG2. We aren't going to remember or look back fondly on how awesome playing video games were when we are on our deathbed. We are going to remember those fun evenings with the family, the feelings of love and contentment we felt on those rare occasions, and wish we had a chance to do it all over again right. But, if given the chance to do it over, we would still rush out to get Gothic 3 and NWn 2 and do it the same. Just existing day to day, trying to find an escape from the humdrum and interacting with our loved ones.

I don't think escapism is unusual, we all do it. We all get bored - and channel that to ecapism. But whether its video games, watching TV, Sport or career. The once obsessed with career don't even know they are practicing escapism!

I agree about career escapism, but its not about being bored. I'm not bored with my family. The most enjoying time of my life was spending all my time with them, with caviate I didn't have much time left. But now that death isn't immediate, spending all my time with my family is on the backburner for less fun things I could do alone.

Even before all this, I KNEW that I wasn't living my life the way I should...playing too many games, turning on the TV instead of reading to my 5 year old, you know, that sort of thing. I knew what living life meant but still didn't do it. After all, the end of life wouldn't be for another 40 years. After being diagnosed with cancer, all that changed for me and living became more interesting than just -being-. I have breathed my child's life, my married life and my family's life every moment since then and I have no regrets. I probably still spend too much time on this stupid machine but it's never at the expense of what really matters though even now, it's a struggle sometimes to keep the perspective.

A great way to feel more alive and feel like you get more out of life is to do charity. And I don't mean door-to-door and get some money for people you never meet, no, I mean actually meeting the people you help out. I have never done this myself, but I know people who have, and they all say the same: After helping out in X nation in Africa for a certain amount of time, life in general is seen in a completely new perspective, as you start to actually value being alive more, and especially how lucky we all are in the western world.

The way I see it, if you do not have anything to put your particular life in perspective, life is meaningless. It's simply a seemingly endless existence where you do what you do because you must, not because it fulfills a dream or makes you feel like you achieve something.

In order to be truly happy with what you have, you need to lose it first, or at least know what it feels like if it is lost. Otherwise having it will simply be an infrastructural part of your life and not something that ever warms your heart or makes you weep with joy.

This, of course, boils down to our daily existence not being an actual life unless you put it in perspective. It is, as you put it Roqua, a matter of existing, not living. Your experience has made you concious of your life, and put things in perspective for you. I am definetly not saying I envy your situation, but in some ways you probably know far more about living than most.

Balance is probably the key. There's nothing wrong in enjoying time spent on the PC, but it needs to be kept in balance and in perspective. Once you resent being interupted while trying to post a piece of brilliance in a forum, you've lost the perspective. I enjoy watching the NFL, but when my teenage daughter calls and says Dad, can you pick me up from wherever she is, I hop straight in the car and go get her!! You can LIVE, do things as a family, and still enjoy your PC, but you have to work at it, balance your time sensibly, and realise that life is made up of a variety of experiences; it's a journey where the people you meet are the most important part. Relationships are what makes life worth living!! (I'll happily discuss the spiritual aspects of this, but in a different forum)

I love you, Roqua. (In a manly way of course)

When Civ2 came out my dad became aware of computer game addiction. His best friend, whom he had known since childhood, would come over every now and then but my dad was glued to the screen. One day, his friend died of a heart attack. My dad hated himself for wasting all of that time they could have spent just hanging out together. This is the consequence we face for being addicts. For being escapists.

I wont go thru a long old litany here, as I have a particularly grouchy shadow priest to dispose of before I go out and make a fool of myself tonight. I've always felt most alive when I know that I could die, It's like just narrowly missing the center divider on the freeway at 90 miles an hour ='.'=

Tragedy has a way of bringing things starkly back into focus. One of the oldest trusims (also a crappy 80's hair metal song) there is : "you dont know what youve got til it's gone"

Or the threat of it being gone is often enough, I suppose.

Oh yeah, glad youre not going to die Roqua. I think

Or maybe I should wish slow death upon you, so that you'll actually go back to "living" again??

There's an old joke that goes:- It's been shown that married men live longer than single ones, so if you want a LONG SLOW painful death.........!!

Well see, if you hadn't enjoyed life much at all from after elementary school onwards, diagnosed with depression with a severe break with reality for a few months 2 years into college, and start on social security disability after years of trying to get back on your feet that were never on happy ground since childhood anyway- never meeting anyone special to have a relationship or family with- it doesn't matter if you escape all you want. That would be me. I still have a goal though and some how still have hope for the future, but to heck if i'm going to 'live real life for the present'. Its the hope for the future that has kept me going. I'll exist as much as I want, as long as I keep painting my paintings every now and then that may some day be enjoyed by many people- that would be my goal.

If I was told I had a short amount of time left to live, I would do nothing different- except perhaps try to prevent whatever is killing me from doing it-- believe it or not.

Ah, but you do have your painting and that is a gift. At least you have something which can define and give some meaning to your life. If you have some examples on line, feel free to post a link!!

AAFter rereading my first thread I must say that the only thing I could've been thinking is misery loves company. Doing anything as painful as spending long amounts of time with your wife without an escape (like death) is crazy. I'm retarded and retract everything I said.

I guess I'm lucky because for as long as I can remember I've always known clearly the difference between living and merely existing. Anyway, we are all dying. Aging is just a process of dying. And accidents happen everyday. You could walk outside and be struck by a meteor for all you know. The first step to living a full and happy life is realizing this fact. If you don't believe you'll ever die, go sky diving or do something really suicidal but not illegal and you'll learn soon enough. If that doesn't work and get a job as an ambulance driver or go somewhere where people die every single day and eventually you'll realize just how mortal you are. The second step is realizing what's most precious to you. To realize this, get a 1 way flight to somewhere you've never been before and stay there until you're on the verge of starvation. Don't bring money, just a phone number to have a friend from back home mail you another ticket to return. Don't call the friend and return home until you're on the verge of death and you'll know what's most precious to you (and I gaurentee it won't be food, despite what some might think). This is the only thing I can think of that I honestly believe would work in all cases. It's actually something monks used to do (or still do for all I know) a long time ago as part of some religious practice (forgot which one... probably Shintoism or Hinduism). The third step is a combination of balancing your life to ensure happiness for the future and to ensure happiness for the present. This step is pretty obvious. Do what you have to do to ensure happiness for the future and the time remaining will often suffice for the present.

For example, I'm in college now so that I can comfortable support a wife and children someday, which will provide happiness for me in the future. But I still call my mother almost everyday (I'm 23 years old and I'm not ashamed of it!) and I visit my mother as often as I can because for now, she is my family and being around her makes me happy in the present. That's when I'm alive now, but she won't always be around so I'm doing everything I can to ensure I'll be happy later. Frankly, it puzzles me how some people, upon finishing high school, move far away and hardly ever return to visit... unless their parents weren't good to them...

A most interesting point of view!! I'm rather biased about this topic, so don't feel it would be right to press my opinions on others in a general forum. Therefore, let me make just one small point. All life is unique and precious!!

SirDeity said:

The second step is realizing what's most precious to you. To realize this, get a 1 way flight to somewhere you've never been before and stay there until you're on the verge of starvation.

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Been there, done that. 10 years ago. But I'm still here and fatter than ever! And no, I didn't bring money with me. For how long do I still have to wait to start realizing?

Are you serious? You went somewhere with no money and on the verge of literally starving to death? I'm not talking going hungry a few days... I'm talking nothing but skin and bones to the extent that your body begins to shake uncontrollably (tremors of the nervous system, caused by slow starvation), you begin hallucinating (literally seeing things), and you pass out suddenly and frequently. I don't recommend it because it's very dangerous! Obviously... but according to what I learned from my college course and from researching various religions and their practices (just two years ago), this really should work. I'd say at the least it'd take a month... obviously to starve slowly you'd need to eat a little bit... perhaps some bugs or a slice of bread once every few days or so... and during the process you aren't supposed to have any sort of routine or work schedule... you do literally nothing... sit under a tree the entire time for example.... eventually your mind will wander and your thoughts will become as real as breathing... the pain of starvation will be pretty much gone because you're beyond the point of feeling it... and your thoughts or your dreams or hallucinations, whatever you want to call them, will always return to what's most precious to you. If family is most important... you'll probably hallucinate your family... at least one member, there with you at times... if playing a video card is truly what makes you feel alive then I guess you'd hallucinate being the nameless hero himself... etc

This reminds me of an old Indian tribe that had a tradition of sending off its boys upon becoming men to the forest. I don't remember all the details but it was similar in the sense that they were to stay out there, alone and without food or tools until eventually seeing a spirit or whatever... the Indians believed this made them become a man and allowed them to return to their village... but actually it was very likely just a hallucination caused by slow starvation and perhaps being isolated from any other people for a very long time as well.

Maylander said:

It is, as you put it Roqua, a matter of existing, not living. Your experience has made you conscious of your life, and put things in perspective for you. I am definitely not saying I envy your situation, but in some ways you probably know far more about living than most.

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I envy him actually; it seems that life is exclusively for those of the wise who already have high EXP points.