Do you ever feel unappreciated, judged harshy and ignored?

DArtagnan said:

Someone like PJ, would be interesting to really get to know - because he's read so much and I have no doubt he could contribute. Unfortunately, he's kinda stuck based on his unwillingness to give me a chance to be who I claim to be, but I'll see if I can't survive not having access to his mind

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@DA, you do realize that you're the one building the wall here? You publicly put me on ignore, yet you keep peeking, and now resorting to this kind of oblique reply because you think that taking me off ignore would make you look foolish... which is something you won't admit to yourself, even. I'm an open book, and written in very big letters, too. If you want to get to know me, I'm here. PM me if you like, I'll read, and I'll probably even reply.

And yes, it's true that there's nothing you can say that'll convince me that you really are anything like you claim to be. I've watched you here for a quite a long time now, and your behavior patterns tell a whole different story from the self-portrait you try to paint. Your actions speak more loudly than your words, DA—even if the actions, too, are words, in this environment.

I doubt I need to put you off ignore, to know that you're singing my praises and making sexual advances?

Well, with that profile photo of yours...

xSamhainx said:

Maybe you need to consider a new place of employment, my friend. If youre miserable enough to make a post as you have, maybe get your resume up to snuff and move on to greener pastures. I know every time Ive quit and went somewhere else, I'm left wondering "why the hell did i wait??"

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Hello everyone.

Yes I'm looking for something else, but the thing is it's always been that way, with every job I've ever had. I work hard, I do my best every damn day, I'm never late, hardly ever absent, I'm polite and easy to get along with and don't cause problems for anyone else, and I do my job to the best of my abilities. But despite that I'm barely tolerated, and that's the way it's been with every job I've had.

It's not just work. People tend to overlook or ignore me in social settings and on message boards (with the exception of this one) no matter what I say people rarely pay any attention to me. If they do it's usually to have a go at me for something. It's usually women and it's always completely unprovoked. I've learned not to show any vulnerbility (like I am now) because that seems to provoke them for some reason.

It's not like I'm really upset about it or something, or I'm desperate for other's approval, it's just after nearly forty years of observing stuff like this it's just started to piss me off and I thought it might help me get it in perspective if I heard other people experience the same thing. Which they do, and it has.

Thanks everyone.

purpleblob said:

I do all the time. Hell, it doesn't matter how good you are at what you are doing. If you are good at sucking up to your superior or good-looking or close friend with superior, that's it. Everything you do, you get praised. Otherwise, hey, forget it. At least that's how it works where I'm working at.

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I keep to myself at work and I think that's a big part of the problem. I don't care most of the time, but recently I got a major dressing down in front of everyone by the supervisor over something I didn't even know was my responsibility. One of the other workers just decided she wasn't going to do her job for three days, and she got a minor telling off. But she's the supervisor's little buddy, sits with her during break and so forth. I sit by myself and don't speak to the rest of them, so when it's me in the firing line I really cop it.

It would never make me want to be a suck up though. It might not be very smart of me, but I'll still keep to myself and be the way I am. It only bothers me at the moment because I was so effing mad about the whole thing.

human_male said:

I keep to myself at work and I think that's a big part of the problem. I don't care most of the time, but recently I got a major dressing down in front of everyone by the supervisor over something I didn't even know was my responsibility. One of the other workers just decided she wasn't going to do her job for three days, and she got a minor telling off. But she's the supervisor's little buddy, sits with her during break and so forth. I sit by myself and don't speak to the rest of them, so when it's me in the firing line I really cop it.

It would never make me want to be a suck up though. It might not be very smart of me, but I'll still keep to myself and be the way I am. It only bothers me at the moment because I was so effing mad about the whole thing.

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If your perception of this is correct, then you're surrounded by assholes.

I don't know if that's a cultural thing or whatever, but where I'm from - people don't get treated like shit unless there's some reason for it.

One reason, unfortunately, is if you don't protest and if you don't stand up for yourself - some people are going to exploit that, to protect themselves.

Not that I've seen too much of that personally, because I always go for places of work where the individual worker is respected, and the "bottom line" isn't the entire object of focus.

I'm working for the public today, and there's no way that kind of thing would be accepted here. If it is, then I've certainly never been aware of it. If it happened in my group, I would deal with it immediately, because I find such things way too uncomfortable to witness.

I'm not sure if I'm just oblivious to it, but I never notice such things unless it happens in my presence. So it might be more widespread than I realise. I don't have any taste for anything but tangible actual problems, and the only thing I care about is solving them as quickly as possible - so I can go home and enjoy myself. I don't really give a shit about assigning blame or covering my ass if I mess up. That doesn't help when finding a good solution, so I simply dismiss it entirely - and if I mess up, I just acknowledge it and I've had nothing but good experience with that approach.

I do see people trying to hide such things all day long, but I don't target them or go out of my way to call them out. If they're afraid of being up front about it, I don't see the need to make them uncomfortable. The only thing I'm not going to accept is the blame for something I didn't do - but I've never had to do that, so I can't complain.

I'm fully aware that there's this huge "strategy game" going on "behind the scenes", but I never ever participate - and that's likely why I'm not consciously aware of the consequences.

People should do what they feel is right, but I can highly recommend not playing a game. However, I should say that I have few ambitions in terms of a career. I don't strive for a higher position, and I don't care about being wealthy - as long as I can cover my expenses and live within my comfort zone. So, I don't HAVE to play any kind of game to achieve a higher position.

I make sure that I can survive even if I'm fired, because I don't want to depend on having a job - precisely because it would compromise my ability to be myself "all the way". But that's easier when you're single - and we all know women can create a ton of fictitious needs

DArtagnan said:

One reason, unfortunately, is if you don't protest and if you don't stand up for yourself - some people are going to exploit that, to protect themselves.

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I didn't take it lying down I'm pleased to say. I spoke up and said I didn't understand her complaint, and I didn't know what I'd done wrong. She took this as talking back and that made her more mad. She gave me this huge, exaggerated sigh as if I was the biggest trouble maker she'd ever had to deal with in her entire life.

Then after this little meeting, I took her aside and said I thought it was very unfair and unnessary to talk to me like that because I didn't know I was supposed to do this, no one had told me. She more or less said her boss complained to her, and so she was complaining to me.

Wanna know the really fun part? The egregious failing that I was chastised for… I work as a cleaner at a school, and a chair had been left laying on it's side by one of the students… and I'd apparently failed to stand it up. And like I said, if I'd known my job was to go around straightening the chairs up I would have done. I thought we were just supposed to sweep and mop and stuff. No one else straightens the chairs when they're left in disarray. If the chairs are down we just leave them. That's what I thought we were supposed to do. That's what everyone else thought we were supposed to do. But for some reason I was the only one to get in trouble for it.

It makes me angry still when I think about it. But I tell myself I can't help it if other people act like assholes and idiots, I can only control my own actions, and I think I handled it pretty well.

human_male said:

I didn't take it lying down I'm pleased to say. I spoke up and said I didn't understand her complaint, and I didn't know what I'd done wrong. She took this as talking back and that made her more mad. She gave me this huge, exaggerated sigh as if I was the biggest trouble maker she'd ever had to deal with in her entire life.

Then after this little meeting, I took her aside and said I thought it was very unfair and unnessary to talk to me like that because I didn't know I was supposed to do this, no one had told me. She more or less said her boss complained to her, and so she was complaining to me.

Wanna know the really fun part? The egregious failing that I was chastised for… I work as a cleaner at a school, and a chair had been left laying on it's side by one of the students… and I'd apparently failed to stand it up. And like I said, if I'd known my job was to go around straightening the chairs up I would have done. I thought we were just supposed to sweep and mop and stuff. No one else straightens the chairs when they're left in disarray. If the chairs are down we just leave them. That's what I thought we were supposed to do. That's what everyone else thought we were supposed to do. But for some reason I was the only one to get in trouble for it.

It makes me angry still when I think about it. But I tell myself I can't help it if other people act like assholes and idiots, I can only control my own actions, and I think I handled it pretty well.

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Sounds like the kind of job where I wouldn't last a single day.

If people are having such a reaction over such a tiny pathetic thing, they have mental issues - or they're under severe strain from somewhere else.

Perhaps the work environment is poor in general there, and I'd personally look for something else immediately.

Then again, I don't know your options or your needs.

I think it's awful if there's no alternative for you

A bit of advice that's really easy to give but really difficult to follow: did you consider just saying "Thank you for pointing that out. I was not aware that that was a part of my duties. In the future, I will make sure to straighten up any chairs that have fallen over?"

On the very few occasions that I've managed to let go of my righteous anger in order to actually manage that, things have turned out rather well.

Other than that, I can just assure you that you're not alone—even the best workplaces have days like that.

human_male said:

If they do it's usually to have a go at me for something. It's usually women and it's always completely unprovoked. I've learned not to show any vulnerbility (like I am now) because that seems to provoke them for some reason.

…. after nearly forty years of observing stuff like this it's just started to piss me off

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I'm wondering if you are externalizing too much, and not looking at your own role in your difficulties. Perhaps there is something that you are doing which provokes some people to shit on you? Some sort of self-defeating character trait?

Just to be clear, I'm not saying the woman is not at fault, or that your workplace is not a shitty one.

I'm just saying that if it keeps happening, maybe YOU are contributing somehow.

There is a pattern of this happening, for many years, correct?

Why do you think it keeps happening to you?

p.s. Oh, my own piece of advice: NEVER TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT THEM.

human_male said:

If they do it's usually to have a go at me for something. It's usually women and it's always completely unprovoked. I've learned not to show any vulnerbility (like I am now) because that seems to provoke them for some reason.

.... after nearly forty years of observing stuff like this it's just started to piss me off

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I'll be a little blunt here, forgive me. I'm wondering if you are externalizing too much, and not looking at your own role in your difficulties. I'm not saying the woman is not at fault, or that your workplace is not a shitty one. I'm saying that if it keeps happening, maybe YOU are contributing somehow. You said this is a pattern of this happening, for many years, correct? Over all of those instances, the common denominator is you.

Why do you think it keeps happening to you? Bad luck?

Maybe it's something about the way you come across?

DArtagnan said:

Sounds like the kind of job where I wouldn't last a single day.

If people are having such a reaction over such a tiny pathetic thing, they have mental issues - or they're under severe strain from somewhere else.

Perhaps the work environment is poor in general there, and I'd personally look for something else immediately.

Then again, I don't know your options or your needs.

I think it's awful if there's no alternative for you

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The work environment is pretty poor. I'd quit but this sort of thing only happens now and again. It's convenient and suits my needs. The supervisor is under pressure, but it was me and not the other worker that caught flak, and she'd just neglected her work for three days. It definitely comes down to how the boss percieves you, rather than what it is you may have done or not done.

Prime Junta said:

"Thank you for pointing that out. I was not aware that that was a part of my duties. In the future, I will make sure to straighten up any chairs that have fallen over?"

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I think I'll write something like that on a piece of card, and the next time it happens just hold it up to her in a sort of talk to the hand kind of gesture.

Anderson said:

I'll be a little blunt here, forgive me. I'm wondering if you are externalizing too much, and not looking at your own role in your difficulties. I'm not saying the woman is not at fault, or that your workplace is not a shitty one. I'm saying that if it keeps happening, maybe YOU are contributing somehow. You said this is a pattern of this happening, for many years, correct? Over all of those instances, the common denominator is you.

Why do you think it keeps happening to you? Bad luck?

Maybe it's something about the way you come across?

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I think I've given the wrong impression. I was speaking in a broad sense, with lots of various issues that I've noticed over my life. The issue with my supervisor is fairly isolated and not because she's a woman. The paragraph you quoted was another issue where I got ganged up on a bit by a couple of women on a message board. That happens to everyone, people flame each other and stuff, there's lots of immature idiots out there. But to me it's usually women.

But I was speaking more about lots of little things. It's not as if examples like that happen over and over.

So, no pattern? Okay.

I thought you were saying there was a pattern for 40 yrs.

after nearly forty years of observing stuff like this it's just started to piss me off

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Anderson said:

I'm wondering if you are externalizing too much, and not looking at your own role in your difficulties. Perhaps there is something that you are doing which provokes some people to shit on you? Some sort of self-defeating character trait?

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It's entirely possible. Thinking about that is what prompted me to post this. But I can't imagine what it is. I think I'm a nice person. I get on with most people, am eager to help out, don't cause problems for other people and so on. I keep to myself, sure but I don't think that would be it. I really don't know. If there's something about me that puts people off in some sort of serious way I don't know what it is.

Anderson said:

p.s. Oh, my own piece of advice: NEVER TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT THEM.

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Good advice.

Other people experience the same thing from time to time, so that has helped me put it in perspective. And if I understand what you mean by externalise, I agree. I overthink things, and focus on the negative and overlook the positive. That's something I'm working on. It's hard to overcome but I know it's a problem.

Anderson said:

So, no pattern? Okay.

I thought you were saying there was a pattern for 40 yrs.

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Well there is but I seem to have overstated it, and focussed on the two examples I gave and gave you the impression those two things keep happening over and over.

human_male said:

I think I'll write something like that on a piece of card, and the next time it happens just hold it up to her in a sort of talk to the hand kind of gesture.

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That's not what I meant, though. I meant actually trying to see it that way.

There are approximately two possibilities in the situation. Either she is an unreasonable, unfair asshole who's taking out her frustrations on you, in which case getting upset just gives her ammunition. Or you really did make a mistake, and she's doing you a favor by pointing it out (however clumsily she's doing it), so you can do better in the future.

In neither case getting upset at her makes things any easier, for yourself or anyone else. On the other hand, simply acknowledging the dressing-down and adjusting your work accordingly just might.

(And, again, I feel kinda weird handing out advice like this, precisely because it's so incredibly difficult for me to ever act on it. I have succeeded a few times, though, and it does work sometimes.)

human_male said:

And if I understand what you mean by externalise, I agree. I overthink things, and focus on the negative and overlook the positive.

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ha, I overthink things and focus on the negative, too.

Actually, though, by "externalize," I meant "blame." You know, putting blame on someone else or external circumstances, without looking at your own contribution.