Return of the Daily Smile

Now we really know just what's wrong with Cm!!

Nerd Season
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

Corwin said:

Now we really know just what's wrong with Cm!!

Click to expand...

That's why we don't use a webcam during the NWN sessions. It would almost be impossible to tell weather you're in the game or not. :lol:

Short and cold, very cold....


She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in. She turned and said,
"Joe You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken.

That's harsh. I didn't know you could boil an egg in 12 seconds. Oh...ummm...probably shouldn't have said that...moving on!

A guy walked into a bar and said, "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender!"

But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender punched him.

The next day the guy did the same thing -- he ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and again, the bartender punched him because the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day the guy said, "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"

The bartender said, "Why?"

The guy replied, "Because you're violent when you're drunk!"

A story (not about me, cause I don't have one) about a man and his wife.

Last week I went to bed with my wife. First we talked abit and then after a while I began to seek physical contact. First she snuggled a bit, kept me warm, but then she forced me back saying to me:"No honey, I'm not in the mood. I would like you to hold me close, but no sex"

A bit angered I replied: "Why now again?"

She responded : "As a man you can not comprehend the emotional needs of a woman. Can't you just hold me tight for who I am instead of what I do in bed?"

Realising that nothing was gonna happen that evening, I turned around and fell asleep.

The next day I took her to the mall where we had a great lunch. She could then go to every shop and try all the outfits she liked. After a while she finally got an outfit that made her look breathtaking. I immediately spoke up:"Take that one and lets find a pair of boots that go with that outfit. You'll get that from me."

During the sdhopping for boots, her eye fell on a really nice coat and so I continued my previous approach:"Why don't you take that coat. It really fits the rest of your outfit all to well" It was an expensive one, but I said that she was well worth it.

With a great outfit, a woman also needs a new perfume. She looked to me again and again I said that she could take anything she likes. Her eyes were flickering and it was clear she was turned on.

She then asked to go to the pay-desk with a almost guilty looking face. I responded: "No honey, I'm not in the mood"

"What?!?"She replied with a really suprised look on her face "What do you mean?"

"Well I just would have liked that you held all that stuff in your arms. As a woman you clearly do not comprehend the emotional needs of a man. Can't you just love me for the man I am instead for the one buying you all this?"

It didn't happen that night neither in bed.

That comes from a comedian that visited the Bob and Tom Show several years ago. I think his name is Miguel Washington. The joke is great, but his delivery (he's got that smooth black man voice) makes it even better. In a dozen years or so, B&T have had 3 skits/bits that made me laugh so hard that I had to pull over. This was one of them.

I thought it was pretty realistic!! Let's hear from the female contingent!!

Funny as hell and all too true, for some of those shallow types anyway.

It is a good thing for Bart he is going to France. *Adds him once more and makes notes as how best to 'fix' him.*

@Bart Good one yes. Only the ending didn't continue. Needless to say I would have had to put his food, his laundry, and his use of the bed even to sleep on indefinite hold. :lol: Maybe do a few more things, but that would be just me.

Me on the other hand CM, would have just held the woman from the beginning and probadly got lucky the next evening without having to buy all that stuff.

A joke that combines two genres(golf & blondes):

A man gets on the bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to a beautiful blonde. The blonde trys to avoid it, but can't help staring at his bulging pockets.

Finally, a bit embarrassed, the man says, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continues to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer asks:

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Probably, and they don't taste as nice as cauliflower ears!!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “For God’s sake, What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “Now think hard before giving me a stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him??”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses…”
The policeman is surprised and speechless… “Wow! I can’t believe it … it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation??”
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear…”

-----------------------------------------------

The CIA needs to recruit a new assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and 1 woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions to the letter no matter what the circumstances ," they explained. " Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my own wife"
"Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So, they bring the second man to the door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take the gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I am not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they were down to the woman to test. Again they led the woman to the same door and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
The trainer says "what was all the noise in there?"
She wiped sweat from her brow and said, "You loaded the gun with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

GHETTO SPELLIN'
Words:
Jamal is a 15 year-old 5th grader. This is Jamal's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

3. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

4. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

5. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

6. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

7. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "fortify."

Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word....

Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

Cute, Kayla, probably apocryphal, but still cute!!

Corwin said:

Cute, Kayla, probably apocryphal, but still cute!!

Click to expand...

I don't think it's real, not like the school reports etc. that sometimes gets posted. I did find it very amusing though.

Alice Is In UNIX Land

"Can you help me? asked Alice.

"No," said Negative.

"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.

"No," said Negative.

She pointed the other way.

"Yes," said Positive.

Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."

Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down.

Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.

"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string."

"Nroff?" asked the Frog.

The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"

"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"

"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker.

Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.

"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him.

"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at..."

A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.

"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised.

"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.

"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!"

"Awk," said the Frog.

"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn."

"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"

"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX."

"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."

"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo."

"Penix," suggested a Penguin.

"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."

Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.

"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue?"

Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again.

"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors."

Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left.

Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Rem," is said, "edlin."

Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."

"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
"Alice in UNIX land" was created by Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989

Of course this could easily be reworked for the opposite gender

The Perfect Woman

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.