Return of the Daily Smile

These are actual supervisor quotes taken from employee performance
evaluations:

1. "Since my last report this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, the sooner he starts the better."

11. "Got a full six pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 time worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers but he is a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he is the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cap glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him. you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."

31. "It takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead."

On the one hand they are very funny -
- but on the other hand I wouldn't like to be supervised by someone able to express THIS kind of remarks ...

I would fit under:

33. Cannot even grasp the meaning of most of these remakrs.

I like # 9. And I've met him.

IIRC, these were passed around years ago as excerpts from military evaluations for officers candidates--could be wrong, but that might explain the heavy sarcasm. Military humor is very...biting.

I think the world needs more reality checks than political correctness. I can imagine a few people I work with getting comments like this. It would certainly make evaluation time more enjoyable. I had to do an evaluation on my team leader. I submitted the real one but did a mock one comparing the workplace to the Star Wars universe and my boss to Luke Skywalker and how the Star Wars universe would be a better place and a worse place due to his management skills and the operational requirements and red tape in the Empire. He thought I was mental and had actually sent it to the Assistant Commissioner. It was very funny to see him turn white and then green.

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black brick s, what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?


< BR>








Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. InCardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?



















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!







If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.


PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

I got them all correct, but I don't remember why!!

I got the first two wrong, then I was more careful. Hubby got them all wrong, now he's sore that he belongs to those 95%...

I fell for one, but I'm protesting it. Baby cows DO drink milk.

I missed the 'burying the survivors' one, but otherwise I was surprisingly non-senile.

I read the "Dementia test" part and left, grabbed my vitamins, checked the clock so they would have time to give full effect, took my other drugs and checked the clock so I could calculate the time for max benefit with no side effects to contend with, had to take the vitamins again as it was too late for max benefit, ran to the bathroom because of all the water from taking vitamins, and then came back here and passed with flying colors once I cleaned my glasses, then took a nap. What was the question again?

CM, at least one of the eldar tells the truth.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you
give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

This one is for the ladies--CM, Kayla and ME--not really a joke but somewhat humorous:

Make Dieting into an RPG

magerette said:

This one is for the ladies--CM, Kayla and ME--

Click to expand...

I don't think you can play this game You're skill system might be to low

Yeah, and I hate that small inventory.

I hate a small inventory- it's ok, my gut can act as a massive bag of holding.

This is why I don't diet, I don't have enough time to spend on the computer and would prefer to play a gme I enjoy.

New Jokes fresh from the official Shaun the Sheep Newsletter :

What kind of food do sheep like to eat in summer?
Baaa-B-Q!
What do you call a sheep that hops around a lot?
A woolly jumper!
Where do sheep get their hair cut?
At the Baaaarber shop
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A chocolate baa!

To which the ghost said,
Booooooooooo!

In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: ''And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.
"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.
"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.
"No, your boyfriend told me that!"


A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."