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Default Return of the Daily Smile

March 13th, 2007, 23:29
A joke about a man that's maried to someone with a pitchfork.

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.
"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me."
"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.
"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."
The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."
"Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser."

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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March 14th, 2007, 05:21
I think someone needs a short test of my pitchfork. Once more you make it to list Bart.

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called:
The United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These CAROLINA boys will be dropped off near the hideouts and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhart.


The Pentagon expects terrorism to be over by Friday.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 14th, 2007, 12:27
Here's a real life example of the ridiculous. My daughter is away from home at university. She needs to have the internet hooked up, so she sent a form off to the local provider. They sent her an email asking for confirmation!!!!! Without any connection to the internet, how was she to receive and read the email!!!!! Some people just don't think!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 14th, 2007, 22:51
Speaking of not thinking, that reminds me of the old tech help joke—

The guy at the call center is guiding a woman through a process, and tells her to just use her mouse to doubleclick the icon on the screen.
"I am, I am, but nothing's happening." she says.
The guy is having trouble hearing her, so turns the call volume up and asks her to try again, with the same result—- but this time he hears —-you guessed it—the click click of her mouse tapping against the monitor screen.

Undoubtedly a blonde

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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March 15th, 2007, 20:44
Another Tec joke
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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March 16th, 2007, 00:08
Follow up to my RL story. The internet is being installed in my daughter's unit which is a 2 hour drive away from me; the ISP sent ME the modem, cause I'm paying for it!!!!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 16th, 2007, 02:10
Corwin this is becoming an urban legend.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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March 16th, 2007, 05:13
@corwin-
if you had a mad max vehicle though it'd be a sweet ass 2 hour ride!
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March 16th, 2007, 18:52
I just hope they don't have the service setup to activate on Corwin's home phone number and not his daughter's number at school.

This won't cheer Corwin up much but the rest of us can laugh at it.

WHY ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt,you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE……

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 17th, 2007, 01:13
That last one REALLY apples to CM!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 17th, 2007, 01:41
Those were great CM! (especially the sterilized needle for lethal injections….why???)

Some great reasons to think before you speak—something I need WAY lots of practise at:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did:

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word*he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TRESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening. "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. AS the door closed behind me, all I could hear were deafening screams of laughter.


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew also as they were laughing uncontrollably!

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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March 17th, 2007, 01:48
How many involved YOU, cause I'm sure some of them we CM!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 17th, 2007, 02:05
Well, I have no toddlers, don't play golf, live two thousand miles away from my sister and have never anchored a news show so…..


*Disclaimer: Any conclusions drawn from this post are the result of third party instigation and have no connection to personal views of the poster**dodges pitchfork**

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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March 17th, 2007, 12:31
Poor CM, all the posters laughing with our resident grandma. Then again where is that famous women group that we knew at the NFG?

Anyway let's post another joke

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an *sshole

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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March 17th, 2007, 15:47
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
WHY ?
Aw maan, I'm just itching to answer these, but then I'd look like a smartass … (for situation humor, see above post).

I dream of a day when chickens can cross roads without their motives questioned.
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March 18th, 2007, 23:11
If your answers are funny, go for it. Smartass remarks done as jokes are acceptable if done with some level of restraint. If you step over the line the PitchFork of Fire will come down on you.

Subject: SMART-ASS REMARKS!!!

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
beat….she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
Last edited by Cm; March 18th, 2007 at 23:34. Reason: Had to add the smart-ass remark. :lol:
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March 18th, 2007, 23:32
Forgive the double posting.
Bart, I think magerette has all the skills to help me keep the boys in their place here. Jaz has been busy but she will come to our aid should we need it.

Here is a bone for the boys. And yes it was posted in the NFG ages ago. Not sure by who but feel free to claim it.


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"from the female point of view…
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," ! We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine…Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 19th, 2007, 00:57
These are just SO accurate!! All women should read them and take careful note!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 19th, 2007, 05:06
Humm……. First the go blind remark, now this. Time to add Corwin to my list yet again.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 19th, 2007, 06:30
I've never been off the list!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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