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Default Return of the Daily Smile

November 30th, 2006, 20:30
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 30th, 2006, 22:44
I didn't enjoy that one very much, CM -> I'm more of a catlover and consider dogs to be loud, stinking and to clinched to a hierarchy. But at least you made it like the dog wrote it.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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November 30th, 2006, 22:45
Yep, and no offense to cat lovers. The closing was what made me laugh.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 30th, 2006, 22:56
Dogs *are* loud, stinking, and clinched to a hierarchy. Just like cats are self-absorbed, wantonly cruel, and liable to give you a quite a number of interesting infections despite having a reputation for cleanliness.

But damn if I can help loving 'em. We had a dog who passed away last month. We just got a cat… and a puppy will be showing up for Christmas.




Hell, I'm sure an alpaca would be great too. I hear they're practically as clean as cats.


Or what about a wild boar for all you Gothic 3 fans?


Or perhaps a cow?


Animals rock.
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Talking Corwin posted this one time.

December 2nd, 2006, 16:49
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 7th, 2006, 21:44
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the$5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know!

There is more money being spent on breast inplants and viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections,
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 8th, 2006, 00:25
Good one CM, and I'll skip all the obvious comments I could/should make!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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December 8th, 2006, 01:50
You're not as slow as I thought for your age.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 8th, 2006, 22:04
Keep up the posts CM, I come here every day hoping you will post something. I would have picked #3 by the way.
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December 8th, 2006, 23:30
Thankyou, and hope everyone gets a laugh now and then.

Got this one from a friend today. No it was not me, but the word is it did happen to someone.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was a cancellation and the 9:30 am appointment was available. I took it.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.

I was more than a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal … some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No!!!"

(Now wait for it ……., this is too funny not to be true!!!)



She yelled, "I need the one that was here by the sink!!
It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!"

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 9th, 2006, 00:44
ROFLMHO!! Definitely one of the best!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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December 9th, 2006, 17:39
Indeed, this is a good one. Though I wonder why CM tried to convince us it wasn't her. A woman that can decribe it so colourfull and all sparled like her …

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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December 9th, 2006, 23:07
Ok Bart, I have tried to keep the lists less cluttered with the new site. However you are pushing for your own page I see.

*Cm wonders where she should rebuild the barn, as it is becoming obvious she will have to take a few there very soon for some subtle education* *Evil Grin*

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 10th, 2006, 10:39
Thanks, but I thought I already had my own page. Anyway, here's another joke I found on the net:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years…say, a red Corvette?"

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah, but you started it."

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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December 10th, 2006, 19:25
Good one Bart, and I was kind and tossed all my lists in honor of the new site. So now you are the proud owner of a new one. MUHAHAHAHA

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 10th, 2006, 22:49
Does that mean I'm no longer on 3869 lists?

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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December 11th, 2006, 22:29
Yes, but you do have nearly 50 already, or should I say one list and 50 checkmarks so far. Bart is now at 3 since I made his new list a little retroactive.
*The evil of my vengence knows no bounds*

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 12th, 2006, 01:49
Old, but still funny:

At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like thecomputer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics :

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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December 14th, 2006, 18:41
To those of you with little boys…

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.


The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.


2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 15th, 2006, 11:48
one of the NFG jokes:

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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