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Default Return of the Daily Smile

September 25th, 2007, 22:57
Don't know if this one has been told already but here it goes:

Little john arrives with a very fat bagpack at school. He holds the bagpack firm with his both hands.
the teacher ask: my my John such a big bagpack and you don't even need that much books.
"No,no " John replies
"Well what is in your bagpack?"
"Nothing"
"Open the bagpack John"
John opens the bagpack and a little cat jumps out of the bag.
"Well, what is the meaning of this?"
"Well the painter was at home and he told mom, once the little kid is gone, I'll grap your pussy"

This is my way of the Ninja: I never take back my word
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September 26th, 2007, 05:16
I know these are oldies but I still smile at them.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A. Lazy

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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September 26th, 2007, 13:54
The above, is why this is a well known FANTASY site!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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September 27th, 2007, 16:37
HAHAHA
Now again, no one send me emails about this.

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too Cute)…You
don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell Me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret
didn't stir little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his
pencil and jabbed her in the rear to wake her up.

She shouted "God Almighty!"

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again; Johnny came to her Rescue
and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret

The Nun once again said," Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…

"What did Eve say to Adam after she Had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,

"If you stick that damn Thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"




The nun fainted…….

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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September 27th, 2007, 16:50
ow my god almost felt over of laughing

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September 27th, 2007, 16:54
hehe, I hope I didn't go over the line with it but I laughed too hard not to post it.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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September 27th, 2007, 20:46
Sure you didn't . And if you did, I'm going to save you now by posting something worse (not bad, mind you, just worse):

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven hereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

This student recieved the only "A".

Übereil

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

H. L. Mencken

The Chaos Cascade
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September 27th, 2007, 22:45
good one

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September 28th, 2007, 01:39
That's one of the few intellectual jokes I've heard that was actually funny.
Cm, both of those were priceless.

While we're talking about crossing the line, here's the latest version of the Two Cows Joke—should offend almost anyone :

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Hope no one took that personally—yes, it's been around awhile but every time I read it I crack up. Please direct any angry e-mail to the U.N. cuz I think they have jurisdiction.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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September 29th, 2007, 19:39
I am from belgium and I am very angry now!!!! NOT that joke actually quit hit the spot and the solution I think

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September 29th, 2007, 20:53
Good ones all.

This is old but cute.

Subject: Tide with Bleach
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it
was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact,
about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to
belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain
in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach
alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag
people.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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September 30th, 2007, 01:30
I think we had that one a couple of weeks ago!! OLD age does affect the memory!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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September 30th, 2007, 15:19
I think CM actually wants to tell us she did it, Corwin -> sort of a warning for what might happen at the barn

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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September 30th, 2007, 16:41
Look for CM's new book, "How I Did It- Confessions of a Killer", coming soon.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
(sorry, been watching the Muppets again)

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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October 2nd, 2007, 00:50
@Dte Appologies accepted -> Always loved the Muppets.

Another funny one:

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is…''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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October 2nd, 2007, 04:08
Cute, Bart, cute!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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October 2nd, 2007, 20:34
This page just totally cracked me up! It starts out a little weak, but by the end, the attack of the killer… i wont spoil it, you just have to see it for yourself!

Celebrating 30 years of very stupid D&D monsters
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October 2nd, 2007, 20:54
Man, now that was a nice trip down memory lane . Though my personal favorite was missing - the rust monster, expertly shaped after a cheap plastic toy you found in every other bag of plastic dinosaurs back in the days. I always wondered what type of animal the toy critter was supposed to be until AD&D explained what it was!

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October 2nd, 2007, 20:59
Still choking and spluttering over that one Sammy —I'm not venturing anywhere near a
Spoiler
ever again.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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October 2nd, 2007, 21:56
I discovered that one while covertly surfing at work yesterday, and could barely contain myself. I almost had to go outside for a couple minutes
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