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October 21st, 2007, 19:33
I read those somewhere and I was not sure if I should laugh or cry. Yes Magerette, there is insanity in the world, and most of it seems to be present in the court rooms of our justice system, if you can call it that.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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October 22nd, 2007, 13:18
Yeah, but the worst thing is that other countries seem to go down this road too.

See what they dare to ask in court these days:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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October 22nd, 2007, 13:48
Bart those are jokes, right? Those really weren't asked in a belgium court, weren't they? They are too funny to be true

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October 22nd, 2007, 18:11
Hilarious, Bart. Like my entry, I can only hope and pray they aren't true.
Corwin, CM and I can all relate to this one:

"Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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October 22nd, 2007, 18:26
"A": Not at this time but if you want I can call you around four AM when I usually remember everything on the way to the bathroom.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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October 23rd, 2007, 16:53
The 2nd Affair



A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son. He was horrified

at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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October 23rd, 2007, 19:57
Originally Posted by titus View Post
Bart those are jokes, right? Those really weren't asked in a belgium court, weren't they? They are too funny to be true
Luckily my jokes usually come from either a site or an email.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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October 23rd, 2007, 19:58
Thank God, other wise that littl of dignity that was left in belgium just dissapeared with that

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October 25th, 2007, 15:39
The 1st Affair





A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had 5ex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying s..!

You've been playing golf!"

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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October 27th, 2007, 23:20
A Little laugh for the day,



After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and

alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the

puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad,

grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of

the water holes. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping,the

mother was running towards them in a panic."Why on earth did you do that

to your little brother?!" she says in anger combined with relief.

"But we were just playing 'church' mommy," he said, "and I was just

baptizing him…..'in the name of the Father, the Son, and………………………

in the hole-he-goes.' "

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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October 28th, 2007, 22:58
CM, I hope all the wives out there are now properly aware of that little golf scam. You've done quite a service with affair #1.

And what can I do but perform a similar service for the guys:

JUST RELEASED: This is serious stuff…Beer contains female hormones!

Last month, scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that, by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank eight pints of beer each within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:



1. Argued over nothing.

2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3. Gained weight.

4. Talked excessively without making sense.

5. Became overly emotional.

6. Couldn't drive.

7. Failed to think rationally.

8. Had to sit down while urinating.



No further testing was considered necessary.



Bottoms up!

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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October 29th, 2007, 00:15
I like that one, but the very thought of drinking THAT much beer in an hour!!!!!! HELP!! I'd throw up long before the hour was up!! Now Jaz on the other hand!!!!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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October 29th, 2007, 12:58
It isn't THAT much, Corwin. I know a guy who drinks 7 Duvels in an hour and that's a lot more of an accomplishement (not a very good one) then 8 pints.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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October 29th, 2007, 19:48
Originally Posted by Corwin View Post
Now Jaz on the other hand!!!!!
Ooooh, I'm not what I used to be, either. Eighteen years ago I went on some heavy duty wodka-cherry -red wine binges with my (then) new friends, I rarely knew how I had returned home when I woke up the next morning *shudder*. In retrospective, that's rather trashy and totally unfunny. Nowadays, most of us stop at two litres of beer… *if* we decide to get drunk at all. Which, thank the heavens, occurs only rarely.

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October 29th, 2007, 20:09
in a hour? that is a good accomplishment

ever tried a bottle of black wodka in less than 2 hours?

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October 29th, 2007, 20:27
Just doing my duty for us girls magerette. Personally I hate drinking, though an occassional small glass of wine is nice. I could preach on the effects of that much alcohol in so short a time but not in the Daily Smile.
Back to the jokes.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
———————————————————————————————————

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.



———————————————————————————————————
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
——————————————————————————————————-
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
———————————————————————————————————
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.

———————————————————————————————————
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
been divorced three times."

—————————————————————————————————-

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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October 29th, 2007, 21:04
Quite good CM! especially the hurricanes.


For those who want to retain their sanity—feel free to skip this next one.


Here are some really excruciating plays on words—thank god I can't hear the screaming from here:

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder, and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her seismological theory rested on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog our memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

And the last one's for Corwin:

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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October 30th, 2007, 01:54
An enjoyable collection!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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October 30th, 2007, 06:50
Oh so good . My personal favorite was the one about democracy…

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October 30th, 2007, 15:08
Ok not a joke but I am not starting a thread just for this one. It is a link for animated pumkin carving for the small kids some of us have running around.
Here it is. And I do mean small ones, 5 or so. But I must admit I made one or two.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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