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Default Return of the Daily Smile

October 30th, 2007, 19:36
(Originally posted by an American

Three Things to think about:

1. COWS
2. THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that the american government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and they tracked her calves to their stalls? But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around the country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse……..You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians — it creates a hostile work environment.

Übereil

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

H. L. Mencken

The Chaos Cascade
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October 30th, 2007, 21:36
Good ones Übereil, and with a nice climax.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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November 1st, 2007, 15:23
I have to say I liked the cows one the most.



In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was
startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She
looked up at her customer, sitting across the table.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's
lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then
down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to
compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
"Will I get away with it?

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 1st, 2007, 16:42
I'm not quite sure I like that one, cm.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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November 1st, 2007, 23:37
That's NOT funny!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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November 2nd, 2007, 14:27
Yeah, like a woman could do that …

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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November 2nd, 2007, 15:03
Good one . More in the same line:

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

Übereil

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

H. L. Mencken

The Chaos Cascade
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November 2nd, 2007, 17:30
Bart you seem to forget who posted that one. I could do it if I got mad enough.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 2nd, 2007, 23:44
You couldn't even get your hands on the little one as I recall from the last time I played NWN. You're just a sweet, young (you see, I can be a gent) grandma.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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November 3rd, 2007, 01:27
Hummm do I take a check mark off the list?? Nah, but I will give you a token for the future. And I almost got him in DM mode one time. But he stripped all his clothes off and hid his loot in a chest somewhere before I could rob him.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 3rd, 2007, 02:14
Hey, I've found a joke at the Dot. Our grandma gets 29 on 11/08/2007 (American notation for the elderly)



…and there goes the token

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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November 5th, 2007, 19:07
There goes the token and you just got 3 check marks added. You are just sooooooooo in trouble Bart.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 6th, 2007, 18:18
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.

—————————————————————————————————-
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

—————————————————————————————————-
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

—————————————————————————————————-

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is t hat they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

—————————————————————————————————-
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

———————————————————————— —————————-
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

———————————————————————————————- ————-

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

—————————————————————————————————-
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord… "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

—————————————————————————————————-

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

—————————————————————————————————-

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitif ully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

———————————————————————————————————
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be ?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 6th, 2007, 20:05
Lonely hearts ad: "Desperately looking for a man with a ponytail. Hairdo doesn't matter."

Semper HiFi!
Motto of the 54th Groove Bde.
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November 8th, 2007, 17:18
Excellent stuff!
Here's some lines from Maxine(a nasty old woman on american greeting cards) which I hope haven't been posted before:

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 ..Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs…..A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
30.. I work hard because millions of illegal aliens depend on me.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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November 8th, 2007, 19:07
Looks like I've got new fodder for my "Never to be promoted" board at work!

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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November 8th, 2007, 20:09
A woman is standig naked a front of the mirror and lifts her left breast and then her right. She drops them again. She turns, looks at her profile and than turns to her bed and asks: are my breasts small?

other than usual and reasuring her, he makes a suggestion:
"If you want your breast to be bigger, rub with toilet paper between them."

The woman grabs a pieces of toilet paper and starts rubbing. "How long do I have to do this?" she asks.

he: "they will grow in a period of a few years."

She bites at him:" do you rely think I will believe that?"

"Why not? it worked on your ass", he replies.

This is my way of the Ninja: I never take back my word
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November 8th, 2007, 20:24
you know that you are living in 2007 when:


1. You by accident enter your pasword on your microwave oven .

2. You haven't played patience with real card for years.

3. you have a list with 12 phonenumbers, for a family of 3.

4. You send an email to the person sitting the desk next to you

5. Your reason you lose contact with friends or family is because they don't have an email.

6. you drive up your porch and call home to see if anyone is home to help you carry the heavy shopping bags.

7. Every commercial on TV has a website at the bottom of the screen.

8. leaving your house without your cellphone, wich you didn't had the first 20 or 30 years of your life (add more for the really old people here ), is a reason to panick and return back home to pick it up

10. you get up at the morning, and log on before making coffee.

11. you start keaping your head to one side when you smile.

12. you read all this nodding and smiling

13. you are to busy to notice there is no number 9.

14. you even look back to make sure there is no number 9

AND THAT YOU ARE LAUGHING WITH YOURSELF NOW :

This is my way of the Ninja: I never take back my word
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November 8th, 2007, 20:46
Like the new avatar, titus. Good jokes, too. I am #10 for sure.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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November 8th, 2007, 23:21
Same here!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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