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November 15th, 2007, 21:14
mmm bart now I am wondering wich one suits her better: yoours or mine?
let's just say both

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November 15th, 2007, 21:41
I don't know if this one's been up before, but here's the alternative Star Wars verision:

DARTH VADER: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."
LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
DARTH VADER: "No! I am your father!"
LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."
DARTH VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."
LUKE: "NO!"
DARTH VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"
LUKE: "Threepio?"
DARTH VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."
LUKE: "No."
DARTH VADER: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."
LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"
DARTH VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"
LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault."
DARTH VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith.. waahhh wahhh!'"
LUKE: "Shut up."
DARTH VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"
LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"
DARTH VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!"
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.
DARTH VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
DARTH VADER: "And get a haircut!"

Übereil

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

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November 15th, 2007, 22:41
Too Cute! Father and daughter re-enact Big Daddy & Little Sister from Bioshock
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November 15th, 2007, 23:16
"It's scah-weeness time!" —the cutest, Sammy.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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November 19th, 2007, 16:51
I got this in an email and it gave me a tickle.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it.
Piss on it and walk away.

Had to come back and add a short joke to this one. hehe
(For those who may not know it, Wal Mart is a massive economical dept. store in the US.)

The Wal-Mart Cat~

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
HELLOOOOOOOOO!


WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
Last edited by Cm; November 19th, 2007 at 17:13.
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November 19th, 2007, 21:42
CM, why did you do that to your house cat?

A story of an old Australian man:

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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November 20th, 2007, 00:29
Now you're on MY list Bart!!!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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November 20th, 2007, 00:40
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
enodenroH? You have just been added to my list as well. Enjoy the freedom while it lasts. I always get my revenge sooner or later.
You'll have to catch me?
Can you run fast???
Or will you use sneaky tactics 'a la' Saw?
In that case, and only in that case, I will be afraid.

Anyhow, I'm waiting for you.

Ok, so here's is my contribution to the thread.

Q : What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer?
A : A f**king now it all…

Q : What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
A : A rooster says 'Cockle doodle doo!' and a prostitute says 'Any cock'll do!'.
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November 20th, 2007, 00:43
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
I always get my revenge sooner or later.
Oh and I must ad : In your case it'll be later, much much much later 'cause you'll keep forgetting and forgetting and forgetting…

hehehehehh.

Humph, didn't read Titus' post that pretty much says the same thing…
Last edited by The Wanderer; November 20th, 2007 at 00:55.
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November 20th, 2007, 19:07
ow well don't worry she had probably forgotten it already, so it is good to remind her about it hehehehe

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November 20th, 2007, 19:39
Originally Posted by Corwin View Post
Now you're on MY list Bart!!!!
Why? I never said that it was you, Corwin.

But you're correct that I had you in mind

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie… but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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November 21st, 2007, 23:02
"Saw" is a very good analogy to my tactics. See a few of you very soon my dears.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 26th, 2007, 17:05
LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5 Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs…A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 26th, 2007, 18:59
magerette posted that only 2 weeks ago, cm. Would you like some help finding that World Fair spoon?

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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November 26th, 2007, 19:16
ow well number 29 was a slip of her. that didn't belonged to that list but belonged to that few moments she came to insight about herself

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November 26th, 2007, 21:49
Originally Posted by titus View Post
ow well number 29 was a slip of her. that didn't belonged to that list but belonged to that few moments she came to insight about herself
Goes for number 15 too, titus.

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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November 26th, 2007, 22:12
good one bartacus
I was thinking of 15 wasn't good too but the last one was just so describing it was enough :d

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November 26th, 2007, 23:10
That's definitely a European sounding joke, but the humor translates just fine!

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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November 30th, 2007, 18:17
INTERESTING STUFF
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
—————————————————————

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden"…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
—————————————————————-
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
—————————————————————-
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
—————————————————————
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
—————————————————————-
Coca-Cola was originally green.
————————————————————-
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
—————————————————————-
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska
—————————————————————-
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

————————————————————————————————————
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000
————————————————————————————————————
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
————————————————————————————————————

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
————————————————————————————————————

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar
————————————————————————————————————

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

————————————————————————————————————
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?


A. All were invented by women.
————————————————————————————————————
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

————————————————————————————————————
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… "goodnight, sleep tight."

————————————————————————————————————
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
————————————————————————————————————

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."


It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

————————————————————————————————————

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

————————————————————————————————————

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! And licking the side of it does not count.
————————————————————————————————-

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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November 30th, 2007, 20:09
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
————————————————————————————————————

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! And licking the side of it does not count.
————————————————————————————————-
Bah!

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For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

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