|
Your continuous donations keep RPGWatch running!
RPGWatch Forums » General Forums » Off-Topic » Return of the Daily Smile

Default Return of the Daily Smile

December 1st, 2007, 01:34
I knew someone would try to sneek by with a side lick.

Ok just to set the mood for this joke, you have to know that WalMart is a mega store that has food, clothes, medicine, electronic, furniture, and every item not mentioned. It is a one stop shopping complex or at least touts itself to be. Now for the joke…………

WalMart has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
Cm is offline

Cm

Cm's Avatar
Sentinel of Light

#761

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 2,098
Send a message via Skype™ to Cm

Default 

December 1st, 2007, 15:43
I'm sure that that last one is already posted, but we are getting used to that kind of posting from certain slightly elderly women.

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
Bartacus is offline

Bartacus

Bartacus's Avatar
BartWatch

#762

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Belgium - Flanders - Antwerp
Posts: 1,538

Default 

December 3rd, 2007, 16:03
Cute one Bart.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's

doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual

dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands

on her chair.

She starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a persons hair have to do with her worth

as a human being?

Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected,

at work and in the community and from reaching our full

potential as a person.

Because you and your kind, continue to perpetuate discrimination

against not only blondes, but women in general …and all

in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,

and the blonde yells, You stay out of this, mister!

I'm talking to that little shite sitting on your knee!"

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
Cm is offline

Cm

Cm's Avatar
Sentinel of Light

#763

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 2,098
Send a message via Skype™ to Cm

Default 

December 9th, 2007, 21:20
Wedding Anniversary


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
REALLY angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"


The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe
and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
Cm is offline

Cm

Cm's Avatar
Sentinel of Light

#764

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 2,098
Send a message via Skype™ to Cm

Default 

December 9th, 2007, 23:07
Cute, very cute!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

Editor@RPGWatch
Corwin is offline

Corwin

Corwin's Avatar
On The Razorblade of Life
RPGWatch Team

#765

Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 10,405
Send a message via Skype™ to Corwin

Default 

December 10th, 2007, 09:13
cm was that your husband? poor guy if he is missing, I can already imagine where he has to be

This is my way of the Ninja: I never take back my word
titus is offline

titus

titus's Avatar
Substitute Shinigami

#766

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: belgium-genk
Posts: 1,053
Send a message via MSN to titus

Default 

December 11th, 2007, 17:11
Not yet titus, but do you really think some of these ideas for disposing of a spouse were originally jokes?

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
Cm is offline

Cm

Cm's Avatar
Sentinel of Light

#767

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 2,098
Send a message via Skype™ to Cm

Default 

December 11th, 2007, 17:39
There once was a man from Nantucket…

Oh, sorry. Moving on.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
dteowner is offline

dteowner

dteowner's Avatar
Shoegazer

#768

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 11,281

Default 

December 11th, 2007, 23:40
Hey Dte, I still remember your old limerick thread from back at the NFG!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

Editor@RPGWatch
Corwin is offline

Corwin

Corwin's Avatar
On The Razorblade of Life
RPGWatch Team

#769

Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 10,405
Send a message via Skype™ to Corwin

Default 

December 14th, 2007, 00:02
One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
Bartacus is offline

Bartacus

Bartacus's Avatar
BartWatch

#770

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Belgium - Flanders - Antwerp
Posts: 1,538

Default 

December 21st, 2007, 22:56
This one was so absolutely horrible I had to share it and make others suffer besides me:

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zest Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally ….

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
magerette is offline

magerette

magerette's Avatar
Hedgewitch
RPGWatch Team

#771

Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 7,929

Default 

December 22nd, 2007, 00:36
I thought those rather clever!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

Editor@RPGWatch
Corwin is offline

Corwin

Corwin's Avatar
On The Razorblade of Life
RPGWatch Team

#772

Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 10,405
Send a message via Skype™ to Corwin

Default 

December 22nd, 2007, 01:32
Reminds me of the Bob&Tom skit about the new competitor to FedEx resulting from the merger of Norfolk Railroads and Waypal Industries—
Will it get there overnight?
Norfolk-n-Waypal!

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
dteowner is offline

dteowner

dteowner's Avatar
Shoegazer

#773

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 11,281

Default 

December 22nd, 2007, 02:30
OUCH!! that's TERRIBLE!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

Editor@RPGWatch
Corwin is offline

Corwin

Corwin's Avatar
On The Razorblade of Life
RPGWatch Team

#774

Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 10,405
Send a message via Skype™ to Corwin

Default 

December 22nd, 2007, 06:23
ACKK!!! That was even more horribler. Good one, dte.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
magerette is offline

magerette

magerette's Avatar
Hedgewitch
RPGWatch Team

#775

Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 7,929

Default 

December 23rd, 2007, 03:28
I read this one a few days ago. Coincidently from my sister. I think she is trying to tell me something.


Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

Despite all my rage.
I'm still just a rat in a cage.
skavenhorde is offline

skavenhorde

skavenhorde's Avatar
Little BRO Rat
RPGWatch Team

#776

Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Taiwan
Posts: 5,408

Default 

December 23rd, 2007, 16:41
@skavenhorde Is she a relative from CM, your sister?

Speaking about CM, here's another of her stories:

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
Bartacus is offline

Bartacus

Bartacus's Avatar
BartWatch

#777

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Belgium - Flanders - Antwerp
Posts: 1,538

Default 

December 23rd, 2007, 17:57
Quite funny, Bartacus. I have two really silly ones—the first also explores the them of romance in old age:

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

And in the interests of fairness, a little religious bra humor at the expense of females:

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
"What type of bra?"asked the clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
" Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
The man was speechless and obviously confused, so the saleslady decided to help him out:
"Actually, even with all of this variety,there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian,and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple. …
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
magerette is offline

magerette

magerette's Avatar
Hedgewitch
RPGWatch Team

#778

Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 7,929

Default 

December 23rd, 2007, 18:53
@Bartacus Nope CM isn't my sister, though I think they would get along great, they have the same sense of humor.

Here is one from my brother. Answers to questions you'll never ask.
Warning they are really bad jokes almost as bad as mine.

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

2.WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.

4.. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick

5,. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? .
Nacho cheese

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A
VAMPIRE?
Frostbite! .

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck

11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA
SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the heck out of the dog

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A
HOOVER ?
The location of the Dirt Bag.

17. WHY DOES A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A
BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, darn. A bad sky diver goes
darn, whack.

19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.

20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.

21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP,
CLOP?
An Amish drive-byshooting.

23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE
SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Despite all my rage.
I'm still just a rat in a cage.
skavenhorde is offline

skavenhorde

skavenhorde's Avatar
Little BRO Rat
RPGWatch Team

#779

Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Taiwan
Posts: 5,408

Default 

December 27th, 2007, 15:42
I did have to laugh at a few of them. Corny always works.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that? "says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts. "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing set."

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
Cm is offline

Cm

Cm's Avatar
Sentinel of Light

#780

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri USA
Posts: 2,098
Send a message via Skype™ to Cm
RPGWatch Forums » General Forums » Off-Topic » Return of the Daily Smile
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT +2. The time now is 23:00.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright by RPGWatch