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December 19th, 2006, 17:07
Subject: Everything You need to Know About Marketing



People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing. " Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
* That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
* That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
* That's Brand Recognition.

You' re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
* That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
* That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
* That's Spam.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your butt.
* That's the Governor of California .

You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
* That's America .

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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December 19th, 2006, 17:42
The title of this thread cound't be any more apt, good one Magerette, that was funny.
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December 19th, 2006, 19:11
Love that one magerette! The best thing is that you automatically think of extensions as you read … or at least I did!

— Mike
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December 19th, 2006, 19:22
I personally need all the humor I can get, so feel free to expand on the theme…I particularly liked Tech Support myself.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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December 19th, 2006, 23:53
Yep, one of the best!! Which dept do you work for?

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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December 20th, 2006, 01:51
Fortunately, what I have no longer needs marketing.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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December 20th, 2006, 08:46
I wish I had a joke or something to contribute, but I'm just not one who collects or even looks at this sort of thing. Except for in this thread ='.'=

So I'll post two funny stories I read today, well, I find them funny-

Giant Pandas Mating Bonanza
"To boost sex drive, they once tried the remedy used by countless millions of humans: Viagra. "We'll never do that again," Mr Zhang says. "The panda was excited for 24 hours."

Bigfoot Professor Feeling the Heat
"The professor says he has heard the strange wailings that some attribute to Bigfoot, and once he was in a cabin in Ontario when a big rock got thrown against an outside wall.
Bigfoot, he presumes"
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December 20th, 2006, 20:49
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex
I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again"

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 20th, 2006, 22:07
Grandma’s Christmas Cheer!

T’was the week before Christmas
And all through the house,
You could hear Grandma yelling,
‘What’s the name of that louse?’

Her shopping was done in June and July,
But now in December she’s not very spry.

The family you see,
Fell apart over summer,
By winter the nametags
Made grandma just mutter.

They broke up all summer,
Remarried, divorced,
Boyfriends were dumped,
One looks like a horse.

Sally’s now Susan,
And Tommy’s now Fred,
Andy is Philip,
And they wish Kurt was Ned.

Grandma’s trying to sort them,
Replace new mates for old,
But Grandpa’s been drinking,
And the memories too old.

Did Paul get the tool set?
Should that go to George?
Is Agnus with Andrew?
Or is she just bored?


The tape and the tags are now flying with glee.
Everything’s open just so she could see.
Grandpa’s now drinkin, he’s had far too much,
‘Just open the door and toss out the bunch!”

And you hear them explain as they pull out a gift,
"Take it or leave it,
Don’t give me no lip!!

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 20th, 2006, 22:08
Spit takes at work aren't good, cm…

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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December 20th, 2006, 22:18
Corwin, did you know CM was Irish?



But one for you, CM:

Reasons Santa Can't Be a Man
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened… having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

and two for the price of one:
A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do… uh… we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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December 20th, 2006, 22:26
You people are trying to get me fired.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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December 20th, 2006, 22:57
Whats long, hard and full of seamen?

A submarine!
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December 20th, 2006, 22:57
One more check mark for Bart. (Good ones though. )

I wrote the Grandma one myself after my mom complained about that very think this year. lol

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 21st, 2006, 00:12
Ok you guys. Here's one from a joke book I read 18 years ago…

It's dirty Erny sitting in the back of his 4th grade class, a can of beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

The teacher enters the classroom and talks to the students.

- All right class. Today we're going to play a game. I'm going to give you the description of something I'm thinking about and you have to guess what it is.

- So let's start.

- It's green, round and it's a vegetable.

Little Mary raises her hand.

- Yes Mary?, the teacher asks.

- It's a pea.

- No. It's a lettuce. But I'm glad to see you're thinking.

- Here's another one. It's round, red and it's a fruit.

Jimmy raises his hand.

- Yes Jimmy?

- It's an apple.

- No. It's a tomato. But I'm glad to see you're thinking.

The teacher whent on telling them a few more when dirty Erny finally decided that it was time to ask one of his own.

- Hey teach!

- Yes Erny?

- Mind if I ask you one?

- No. Go right ahead.

- I've got somethin' in my pocket. It's long, it's hard and has a pink tip.

- Erny! How rude!

- Hey. It's a pencil. But I'm glad to see you're thinking…

Here's a short one from the same book.

Q : What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer?
A : A f..king know it all!
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December 21st, 2006, 02:25
Well done CM, (our resident grandma), we can easily tell that both are about yourself!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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December 21st, 2006, 19:59
*I hope Santa is sending a box of band-aids to Corwin, he will need them!*
*Sharpens her favorite farm implement!*
evil grin

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 21st, 2006, 20:08
Recent "Darwin Award" entry

(19 March 2006, Belize) Benjamin Franklin reputedly flew his kite in a lightning storm, going on to discover that lightning == electricity. However, certain precautions must be taken to avoid, as Ben Franklin did, sudden electrocution.

Kennon, 26, replicated the conditions of Ben Franklin's experiment—sans safety precautions. He was flying a kite, with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire.

The copper made contact with a high tension line, sending a bolt of artificial lightning down the wire. As Kennon was an electrician, Kennon's father told listeners, his son "should have known better."

Kennon is survived by his parents, six sisters, and five brothers.

— Mike
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December 22nd, 2006, 15:21
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:"You mean I was here already?"

Moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has it's advantages!

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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December 23rd, 2006, 02:17
Any comment I made would be totally superfluous!! What's my name again??

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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