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December 31st, 2007, 02:55
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
Don't look at ME! I won't explain it to him.
That reminds me of that one time in the NFG when Gig didn't get the farmer joke with them sheep… adorable.

"Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where." ~ Cortez, from The Longest Journey
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December 31st, 2007, 03:43
Originally Posted by Arhu View Post
That reminds me of that one time in the NFG when Gig didn't get the farmer joke with them sheep… adorable.
What was that joke, Arhu? I know Gig mostly as an absent groupmod (I've seen her active, but only for a month or 2) till Corwin took over.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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December 31st, 2007, 04:25
Wasn't it the one with the punchline, "That sheep's a damn liar!"?

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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December 31st, 2007, 07:36
Yes, that was the one!! I think that's everyones favourite NFG story!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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December 31st, 2007, 12:26
Originally Posted by Bartacus View Post
What was that joke, Arhu? I know Gig mostly as an absent groupmod (I've seen her active, but only for a month or 2) till Corwin took over.
See dte's post below yours. I'm sure someone can dig it up again. … if it hasn't been posted here already that is. My, 41 pages!

"Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where." ~ Cortez, from The Longest Journey
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January 1st, 2008, 17:20
Arhu, the usergroups have been deleted on the Dot. I hope someone can post the whole joke here again. Perhaps Dte can?

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 4th, 2008, 00:15
While waiting for Dte's response, I'll post another joke.

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 6th, 2008, 01:44
Some Southern (U.S.) humor:

Georgia:

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia
and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
'Everything but my earrings.'


************************************************* **************

Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck.

'Where's Henry?' the others asked..
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail,' the successful hunter replied.'

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they
inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.

'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'



************************************************** *************


Louisiana:

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying…
'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana '
When asked why, he replied 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20
years later than in the rest of the civilized world.


****************************** ****** ******* *******************


Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to
his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?

'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license

number.'


************************************************** ************


Tennessee:

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'


************************************************** ************


North Carolina :

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow wat the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But, what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, either.'


************************************************** ************

And the classic:

You can say what you want about the South,

But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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January 6th, 2008, 02:30
Well actually, in Australia they do!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 6th, 2008, 02:32
That's because you're upside down.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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January 6th, 2008, 02:34
Yeah, but jealousy's a curse!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 7th, 2008, 18:47
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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January 7th, 2008, 20:08
Hehe.

Originally Posted by Bartacus View Post
Arhu, the usergroups have been deleted on the Dot. I hope someone can post the whole joke here again.
This should be the one:


A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"

"Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where." ~ Cortez, from The Longest Journey
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January 7th, 2008, 20:56
I can see why one can remember that joke.

What we miss after 2008:

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
…George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
…Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
…Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit…Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
…Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
…Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change."
…Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
…Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
…Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
…Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
…Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
…Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
…Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
…Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
…Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
…Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
…Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
…Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
…George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
…Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
…Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
…Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
…Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
…Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
…Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
…Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
…Governor George W. Bush

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 8th, 2008, 01:13
Those are definitely classics!! What a 'loss' he will be!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 8th, 2008, 01:47
Originally Posted by Bartacus View Post
I can see why one can remember that joke.
What we actually remember most is probably how Gig just didn't get it. Some hinted at the "rural farmers… sheep…" stereotype and she was like, "huh?". Then she theorized on things the sheep could have said, all very far away from the truth. It was very cute seeing her struggle so innocently, trying to figure out why the joke was supposed to be funny.

"Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where." ~ Cortez, from The Longest Journey
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January 8th, 2008, 02:18
And was she ever embarrassed when she finally did come to understand it!! Such innocence is a rare quality!!
(And will she ever be annoyed when she learns we all still remember!! )

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 8th, 2008, 02:38
Re: Bart's post
Poor Dubya. So many good policies (and, admittedly, a few real boners) that got lost in the shuffle simply because he's a retard. Probably didn't help him any following up grandmaster BSer Slick Willie, either. It would take a special person to match up with the Teflon Talker. Dubya's certainly special, but not in the way we'd hope.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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January 10th, 2008, 23:57
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 13th, 2008, 23:02
Some funny things at the helpdesk.

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in…" The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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