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Default Return of the Daily Smile

January 14th, 2008, 03:51
I've seen most of these before, and I believe every one of them!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 14th, 2008, 12:25
You're sure you weren't the cause of them?

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 14th, 2008, 15:00
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror.

There are Teachers, and then there are Educators.

Übereil

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

H. L. Mencken

The Chaos Cascade
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January 14th, 2008, 22:07
Excellent one, Uberiel.

This may have been posted before, but for some reason, this reminded me of CM (and no, Bartacus, not because it's OLD):

The Employment Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists…2 men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The
agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this
job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
out& nbsp;with tears in his eyes. ' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent
said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming,
crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to
death with the chair.'

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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January 15th, 2008, 01:26
It's been posted twice before, and we ALL knew it referred to Cm!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 15th, 2008, 18:19
Corwin is right. Anyone know where I can find a sturdy chair and meet up with Corwin?
Here is one totally just cute.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS …
(This one is worth passing on.)

This one is for everyone who .

a) has kids, B) had kids,
c) was a kid, d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year
old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this,' and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter
was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a
devastated look on her face.
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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January 15th, 2008, 23:54
Well, there goes my breakfast!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 18th, 2008, 18:01
Don't think we've had this one before:

Menopause jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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January 19th, 2008, 15:48
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 20th, 2008, 19:10
Another one of those girl things, but this is a new one on me, ladies:

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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January 21st, 2008, 19:27
1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses …………. until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ………. bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ……….. Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of …………. termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ………… How?
6. Don't bite the hand that …………. looks dirty.
7. No news is …………. impossible
8. A miss is as good as a …………. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new …………. Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ……………… stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust …………….. Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the …………….. pigs.
13. An idle mind is …………….. the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ………… pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ………………gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ……… not much.
17. Two's company, three's ……………..the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what …………. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ………… You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ………… Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ……….. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ………….get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ……………See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind …………….. get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is ……………….going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than ………….. Pregnant

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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January 23rd, 2008, 16:25
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 23rd, 2008, 17:06
That was surprising funny for a Bart joke.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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January 23rd, 2008, 20:18
Originally Posted by dteowner View Post
That was surprising funny for a Bart joke.
I'm starting to make lists now -> Now I can use this emoticon:

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 23rd, 2008, 23:13
Hey everyone, Bart has learned to write!! Now that he can make a list he's becoming even more like Cm. I wonder if they're secretly related!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 23rd, 2008, 23:23
Don't forget the smoking devil, Bart.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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January 24th, 2008, 09:30
Corwin you are wrong, they are not related.
It is that syndrome when a victim falls in love with the psychopat.

I'll leave it up too you to fidn out who is who

This is my way of the Ninja: I never take back my word
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January 24th, 2008, 13:19
Me thinks titus might be on to something here…

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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January 24th, 2008, 13:31
I don't think this one's been on this thread yet.

St. Peter was doing the traditional background-check on yet another applicant at Heaven's Pearly Gates.

"I'm afraid, sir, that things don't look really good. It's not that you're particularly evil or anything, but we have quite strict standards. In order to admit you, you'd have to have done something actually, you know, good. Some act of disinterested self-sacrifice… you know, beyond the annual charity check kind of thing. I can't see anything that would quite qualify in your record… but perhaps we've missed something?"
"Oh dear… Well… There is that one time I was driving home late at night. I saw this biker gang who had cornered a young girl, and were about to gang-rape and kill her. So I stopped the car, grabbed a tire-iron from the trunk, and hit the gang leader one between the eyes."
"Wow, well, that would certainly qualify. Funny that it isn't in our records… when did this happen, exactly?"
"That would be… about… ten minutes ago?"
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January 24th, 2008, 14:34
Don't forget the smoking devil, Bart.
I'm not a woman, so the devil is not my emoticon (I wonder what reaction will now come)
Hey everyone, Bart has learned to write!! Now that he can make a list he's becoming even more like Cm. I wonder if they're secretly related!!
You forget that you are the one with a list about me and CM. But you're right: I could be a grandson of you both.
Corwin you are wrong, they are not related.
It is that syndrome when a victim falls in love with the psychopat.
I'll leave it up too you to fidn out who is wh
Stockholm syndrome! I'm not the psychopat and if you do not believe that I will chop you into pieces and try to flush the parts in the toilet!

@PJ Good joke! Didn't see it coming.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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