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Default Return of the Daily Smile

January 25th, 2008, 21:47
Cuteness alert! The Evil Eye

"Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where." ~ Cortez, from The Longest Journey
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January 27th, 2008, 13:54
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 27th, 2008, 22:48
This one's new to me:

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, 'WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.'

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, 'You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind.'
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, 'You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time…so…do you think we should, well…you know,…screw her?'

'Out of WHAT?!?' asked the other.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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January 27th, 2008, 23:45
Cute ones, but why do I feel it's likely quite accurate!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 30th, 2008, 22:38
You can be changing Yankee and RedSox in this joke into anything you like.

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 30th, 2008, 23:16
Red Wings and Leafs
Cowboys and Packers

Hey Dte, this could be about you!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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January 30th, 2008, 23:43
Gary Butt-man has nearly killed the Wings-Leafs rivalry with his stupid schedule, so I'd say you'd have to pick a different team for us. Can't even go with the Crapalanche since almost all the players from the brawl seasons are gone. Maybe the Quacks? The Laffs would be easy (Ottawa).

Pokes and Pack haven't had a rivalry in years. That would have to be Iggles, Giants, or Skins for us and Chicago for the Pack.

Other than that, you were close.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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February 1st, 2008, 19:50
Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could
have imagined. See what you think:
_____

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
_____
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
_____
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
_____
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
_____
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
_____
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
_____
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6

(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
_____
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
_____
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
_____
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
_____
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
_____
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
____
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day"
Mary Ann - age 4
_____
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
_____
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
_____
And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry."
_____

I loved the Christmas one.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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February 2nd, 2008, 00:30
And I thought you'd like the one about the 2 old people!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 2nd, 2008, 08:57
There are so cute, Cm!

Semper HiFi!
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February 2nd, 2008, 12:57
Even I'm smarter then this guy:

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 2nd, 2008, 21:09
George W. Bush had died and gone to his eternal reward. Sadly, he had not been a complete paragon of virtue in his earthly life, and consequently his eternity came with a bit of a catch.

He had to spend it with Hillary Clinton.

He was trying to make the best of it, as it was, until one day he bumped into Bill Clinton. He had Gwen Stefani on his arm.

Outraged by the sheer injustice of it all, he grabbed a passing angel by the wing.

"I did the Lord's work every day of my life, as best I knew, and what do I get? That! And that lying, fornicating son of a… Democrat gets Gwen Stefani! What did *he* ever do to deserve that?"

"George, George… don't ask what he did. Ask what *she* did."
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February 2nd, 2008, 22:49
Perhaps that's what they mean when they say "Clinton Fatigue…"

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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February 3rd, 2008, 13:41
@PJ I know that joke with a different concept -> you take people you know and are present when you tell the joke. It's quite funny to see the guy's face that played the part of Bill Clinton in your version.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 3rd, 2008, 20:41
Wish I could have had my camera. On the way home from the doctor, I passed a small biker gang waiting at a stoplight. These were some hard-core dudes. The guy at the rear of the line had a blow-up doll (yeah, one of those) strapped into his passenger seat. I certainly wasn't going to be the one to tell him.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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February 5th, 2008, 15:22
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra. The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

—————————————————————————————————————————————————

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."



—————————————————————————————————————————————————



One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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February 5th, 2008, 15:36
I just had to add this one in today.

They're Back! Church Bulletins:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
—————————————————————————————
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
—————————————————————————————
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
—————————————————————————————
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————— ————- ———————————————————-
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a conflict.
—————————————————————————————
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
—————————————————————————————
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
—————————————————————————————
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
—————————————————————————————
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
—————————————————————————————
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
—————————————————- ————————- ——-
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday eve ning in the church hall.
Music will follow.
———————- - ————————————————————
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
—————————————————————————————
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
—————————————————————————————
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
———————————————————————————-
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
——————————————————————————-
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
——————————————————————————-
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————————————————————-
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
——————————————————————————-
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
——————————————————————————-
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM . Please use
the back door.
——————————————————————————
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
___________________
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
________________ ______
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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February 5th, 2008, 17:59
Maybe I'm just an easy audience today, but those were really good, cm. I laughed hard enough that it hurt for the foot draggers in the first post and the basketball game in the second. The best one was the "searching for Jesus" one. The image in my head for that is surely an express ticket to a warm afterlife, but I can't stop laughing.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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February 6th, 2008, 00:04
I remember posting them at the Dot along with a few others I still have somewhere in the bowels of My Documents!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 6th, 2008, 02:48
I remember many of the ones you put up back in the day, but I only caught a couple that I thought were repeats from your list.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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