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Default Return of the Daily Smile

February 6th, 2008, 02:52
THE YEAR ' S BEST (actual)HEADLINES

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked toTemperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame forGas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips ThroughCemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 6th, 2008, 03:37
Ah, the joys of the misplaced modifier… I always heard it was the engineers that couldnt rite goodly english.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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February 6th, 2008, 09:44
You heard correctly!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 6th, 2008, 11:17
I had to read this thread heading twice recently on RPGWatch:

Us censorship removing patch !!!

- must have been a naughty patch?
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February 6th, 2008, 12:47
Originally Posted by dteowner View Post
Ah, the joys of the misplaced modifier… I always heard it was the engineers that couldnt rite goodly english.
Spaek for yuorslef, Dte!

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 6th, 2008, 13:58
Eye did me spoke for, Bart.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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February 7th, 2008, 16:57
That be good then. I beleaved you ment something else.

Next joke, a real story of Corwin I suspect:

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 8th, 2008, 06:58
Our rubbish bins are plastic!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 10th, 2008, 20:35
cool stuff

This is my way of the Ninja: I never take back my word
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February 10th, 2008, 20:43
That was actually pretty damn cool.

He, what's happening to my c^H^D^C^[ [NO CARRIER]
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February 10th, 2008, 21:08
Sometimes I miss the time of being a twelve year old reading 'It….' from Stephen King with just a flash light in my bed. I can tell you that I didn't sleep so good for a few weeks.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 10th, 2008, 22:51
Could I suggest people announce that a link is to a Flash site. I automatically have all those places blocked!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 11th, 2008, 15:33
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart. (Walmart is discount chain department store)
They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME : Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX : Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION : Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY : A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.

PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE ?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE ….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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February 12th, 2008, 00:27
Admit it Cm, it's really yours, with a few minor changes!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 12th, 2008, 16:20
Stumbled on this completely by chance. Should offend a wide variety of folks.
Suicide Vests

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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February 12th, 2008, 19:02
Good one, Dte!

Btw, Corwin, I didn't know our real name was Kenneth Way.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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February 12th, 2008, 23:07
Originally Posted by dteowner View Post
Stumbled on this completely by chance. Should offend a wide variety of folks.
Suicide Vests
Speaking of offending folks, likewise: The End of the World

"Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where." ~ Cortez, from The Longest Journey
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February 12th, 2008, 23:46
That's brilliant Dte; the onion can still do some great stuff!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 13th, 2008, 15:56
A brand new joke for highly sensitive people (invented at a forum a few days ago) :

Two empathically gifted ones meet. One one of both says: "You feel fine. And how do I ?"

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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February 14th, 2008, 05:42
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