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Default Return of the Daily Smile

March 7th, 2008, 15:18
txa1265, how do you know I haven't taken over Barts persona after killing him some time ago?

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 8th, 2008, 19:23
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
txa1265, how do you know I haven't taken over Barts persona after killing him some time ago?
She does and now she uses this account to show other men what they never should do Here's a joke about how she thinks of men.

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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March 8th, 2008, 20:29
A bit nasty but very funny Bart.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 10th, 2008, 14:04
Now before any of my counter southerns get upset, it is just a joke. And if you have been deep in the backwoods you have met a few of these guys.

**Never Choke in a restaurant in the South **

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they
talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she
is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
************************************************** *

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that thair
'Hind Lick Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 10th, 2008, 15:24
CM, did you enjoy it after you came over your shock?

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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March 11th, 2008, 00:12
Of course she enjoyed it; that's why she began choking again almost immediately!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 11th, 2008, 21:43
If only I could reach you two………


Wrong email address




A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to
thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to
coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew
to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his
room, so he decided
to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her
email address, and without
realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was
called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she
screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor,
and
saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails
to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've
seen that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to
seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 11th, 2008, 21:49
ow my god great one cm

This is my way of the Ninja: I never take back my word
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March 17th, 2008, 16:48
The names have been selected to reflect proper team affiliation….
——————————
Three NFL quarterbacks are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which the position is famous. A night of tall tales begins.

Tom Brady says, "I must be the meanest, toughest quarterback there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

Peyton Manning can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

Tony Romo remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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March 17th, 2008, 21:23
) Good one dte.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 18th, 2008, 00:23
Guess that gives doing it with a hot poker a brand new meaning!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 18th, 2008, 21:25
How To Shower Like A Woman…
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man…
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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March 19th, 2008, 00:11
Yep Bart, that summary looks about perfect to me!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 20th, 2008, 20:54
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 20th, 2008, 20:57
Couldn't see where that one was gong-quite the O Henry twist, CM.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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March 21st, 2008, 00:29
Cm told me it happened to her just the way she told it, while she was out shopping last week!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 21st, 2008, 20:08
Cm slaps Corwin again with that same rotten fish. It may not hurt much now but the oder will do him in and it won't wash off now.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 22nd, 2008, 00:12
I think you mean odor, or even odour, not oder!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 23rd, 2008, 20:14
Originally Posted by Corwin View Post
I think you mean odor, or even odour, not oder!!
Indeed, Americans, they can't even wirte desent Engilsh!

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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March 23rd, 2008, 23:21
Yeah, they ain't bean lerned propar!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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