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Default Return of the Daily Smile

April 5th, 2008, 19:20
I like #7.

Never seen this Aussie joke before, though those native to the area may have:

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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April 5th, 2008, 21:09
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something , ask
If They Want Fries with that.
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With
The Prophecy ".
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,
with a serious face.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play tropical sounds All Day .
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling
Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!
I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the
Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The
Economy (and gas prices) , We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
Those were hilarious


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And with strange aeons even death may die.
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April 6th, 2008, 04:55
Number 16 is Cm's own personal contribution!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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April 6th, 2008, 14:39
mmmm now cm read number 20 and then she was sure she had to post that one

just kidding, I would like to try several myself

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April 7th, 2008, 14:57
@Corwin, my wrestling name is not Rock Bottom any more. Unfortunately it had to be changed to Saggy Parts some years ago.

@titus, I did change the last line from the original which asked you to forward it or else.

Personally I did #3 here at home and wish very hard I could do #19.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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April 7th, 2008, 16:32
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
@Corwin, my wrestling name is not Rock Bottom any more. Unfortunately it had to be changed to Saggy Parts some years ago.
Do you mean that this is how your behind looks nowadays?

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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April 8th, 2008, 00:50
Better not look Bart, you'll go blind!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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April 10th, 2008, 15:43
*Cm decides to go back a few pages in this thread and grab the same fish, put what is left in a bag, and slap both Corwin and Bart with it one more time*

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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April 17th, 2008, 13:46
This joke has to be one that was new when Corwin was just a five year old:

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn''''t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn''''t even want a special last meal!"

he inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall…"

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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April 18th, 2008, 07:21
A construction worker is on the fifth floor of a building structure when he discovers that he needs a saw. He's too lazy to go all the way down, so he shouts to his colleague on the ground. The man down there obviously doesn't understand - he shrugs and grimaces. The construction worker thinks quickly, then he points at his eye ('I'), his knee ('need') and finally does what is universally seen as a typical gesture for 'sawing'.
The man down on the ground nods, drops his pants and goes 'fap fap fap'.
The construction worker's eyes widen; his face reddens, then he angrily races down the stairs.
"What are you doing, idiot?" he barks at his colleague. "I tried to tell you that you should get me a saw!"
"I know," the other man grins. "I tried to tell you I was coming."

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April 21st, 2008, 13:52
My apologies if this one has been posted before.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John,
"this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.
"When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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April 21st, 2008, 16:28
Dte—an excellent one, and just for you I'll resurrect one of my favorite old Republican jokes:
Gore, Bill and Hillary on Air Force One…
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

And you might enjoy this You Tube effort on How Hillary can Still Win.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
Last edited by magerette; April 21st, 2008 at 17:34.
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April 21st, 2008, 22:25
magerette, your joke today would be about George Bush senior, Laura Bush and George Bush.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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April 22nd, 2008, 02:08
Not to mention Karl Rove.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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April 23rd, 2008, 10:50
One of my favourites:

Actual Children's Test Answers

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Syanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems today.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. ThomasJefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and has a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

“ Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.“ (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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April 23rd, 2008, 12:05
Those were great Alrik. I'd say: Keep them coming!

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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April 23rd, 2008, 14:24
Brilliant; I loved Drake!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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April 23rd, 2008, 22:26
I had read them a few years ago in a forum, but forgot the text. The only thing I kept was the moths thing, which I actually had in my signature here not long ago.

With typing the moth thing into google, I found a source, from which I copied the text here, because I don't know in how far I can trust the web page where this comes from.

The source is this page: http://www.messedupworld.com/jokes.php

But in fact this text can be found on many other pages, too.

“ Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.“ (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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April 24th, 2008, 12:40
Sad, sad …

If it wasn't so sad, one could laugh over it …

In today's issue of the local newspaper called "Kφlner Stadt-Anzeiger", there is a story of a female exchange student.

She is goind to regularly write in there, and her first story included that she was brought to a U.S. town called Humble, which she wrote is somewhere near Houston.

What's so sad are the REAL questions she was asked. She seriously insisted that she once, when she was asked them for the first time, and even later, couldn't believe that these questions were real and that they were no jokes.

The questions she wrote about are these:

- "You are from Germany. Do you speak German ?"
- "Is a pregnancy in your country also nine months long ?"
- "Do people in your country breastfeed, too ?"

She also wrote that a teacher teaching "U.S. history" wanbted to know from her what an "U-Boot" is. She doesn't write whether the question meant a submarine, or the German word "U-Boot", which means the same.

She wrote that a friend of her answered the "do you speak German" quiestion with "She's German and doesn't speak German", and that her friend got the reply from the girl who had asked the question: "Oh, really ?"

Sadly, this adds to similar stories I've heard over the years, with similar stupid questions.

Source: http://www.ksta.de/html/artikel/1203599318031.shtml

An additional article with not-so good experiences as an exchange student (the family was very unpolite to her and even didn't give her some of her belongings back, including some flight tickets worth 200 Dollars, plus a new family of which the host father behaved like a sadist) http://www.ksta.de/html/artikel/1208409002910.shtml

If it wasn't so sad, one could laugh over this …

“ Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.“ (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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April 24th, 2008, 15:31
@Alrik K's Choice, a group from Belgium, was once interviewed by American journalists. She (the lead singer, Sarah Bettens) made up an entire story about the life in Belgium. A few examples: In the streets in Belgium, light is not put on with electricity, but a man goes around with a torch to light up the candles. Another was that she said we didn't have cars, but used horses and chariots instead.
After a while she just couldn't keep her face straight so this never actually appeared in the newspaper.
->Sometimes ignorance can be very funny for the other persons.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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