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Default Return of the Daily Smile

July 12th, 2008, 02:08
Such hostility…. But I know my place in the world, and it's under my wife.

OK, OK, that was a long time ago, but I deserve the occasional moment to reminisce.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: Afraid to hope / / Detroit Red Wings: Another rollercoaster season?
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July 12th, 2008, 02:11
Female Laws To Live By
The female always make the rules.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The female may change her mind at any time.

The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The male is expected to mind read at all times.

The female is ready when she is ready.

The male must be ready at all times.

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

When I have had a bad day, I only have to think of chicken cat and I can put my problems in perspective
.
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July 12th, 2008, 02:15
Kayla, I've certainly missed your presence. Now I must go and cook dinner for my man. I know CM will add her bit to the cause next time she checks in. (That first q&a thing you posted was hilarious… )

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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July 12th, 2008, 02:18
Magerette. Don't forget to warm his slippers for him, and make yourself look pretty.

Since the male bashing has been postponed:

When is it okay to drop the F-word ? The Daily Telegraph in London says there is only 11 times in history when it has been truly acceptable. Surely not !!!!

11. "What the F*** do you mean, we are sinking?" - Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.

10. "What the F*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945.

9. "Where did all those F***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any F***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938.

7. "It does soooooooo F***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926.

6. "How the F*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC.

5. "You want WHAT on the F***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566.

4. "Where the F*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937.

3. "Scattered F***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC.

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the F*** is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998.

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F***ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, 2003.

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

When I have had a bad day, I only have to think of chicken cat and I can put my problems in perspective
.
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July 12th, 2008, 02:40
Originally Posted by Kayla View Post
When is it okay to drop the F-word ?
Here almost always, especially if you´re an english speaking tourist: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria
Last edited by DeepO; July 12th, 2008 at 02:50.
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July 12th, 2008, 03:01
Another dream shattered…
Attached Images
File Type: jpg rainbow.jpg (41.9 KB, 54 views)

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

When I have had a bad day, I only have to think of chicken cat and I can put my problems in perspective
.
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July 12th, 2008, 04:16
That is hilarious, Kayla!

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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July 12th, 2008, 14:22
If only I could take the credit… I am merely a parrot reciting (well, copying and pasting) funny jokes I have received from some of the strangest people I know.
I do like keeping my funny e-mails, and just looking at some when I've had a bad day. They always cheer me up, particularly the THX lemur, I don't know why, I just love it.

Did I post the link to the lemur already? If not…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkqqMPPg2VI

Please listen as well for maximum impact!

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

When I have had a bad day, I only have to think of chicken cat and I can put my problems in perspective
.
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July 13th, 2008, 13:13
Originally Posted by magerette View Post
I know CM will add her bit to the cause next time she checks in. (That first q&a thing you posted was hilarious… )
Cm has trained you two well. May the barn be with you!

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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July 13th, 2008, 14:32
I can't speak for magerette, but I was faulty when I got here. cm didn't train me, however, magerette and cm are reinforcement for my behaviour.
Thank you ladies.

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

When I have had a bad day, I only have to think of chicken cat and I can put my problems in perspective
.
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July 13th, 2008, 17:14
You're welcome, Kayla. I believe it's just a natural talent we all share.

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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July 13th, 2008, 17:22
No training needed by the females. We do try to back each other up if any of the men try to act like they know the rules. Why do you think I had to write my sig?

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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July 13th, 2008, 17:32
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!





WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"





CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!





WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"





The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.





God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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July 14th, 2008, 08:21
I have to admit, we have two controls for the TV and I have, on occaision given my man one to use and when he presses a button I press a button on the other remote. He goes to channel 7, the TV turns off, changes the volume and it switches to channel 2. It is quite fun to see how long it can take before I start laughing and he knows something is up.

My personal favourite moment (and admittedly he was tired) was watching an episode of Law and Order. Episode starts and they walk into a huge home and the husband is bound with his arms tied behind a chair, gagged, and shot in the head. He is dead in the living room. The wife has been raped and brutally murdered in the kitchen. Genius states "it was the husband". I said "so he raped her and murdered her, but did he tie himself up before shooting himself in the head, or shoot himself in the head and then tie himself to the chair?" (with his arms tied behind his back to the chair don't forget. Goofy thinks and then says "either is plausible, lets watch as see." OMG!

I was watching Tony Bennett and KD Lang Live in San Francisco. He sits on the couch, listens to a duet, show goes to an ad, and he says "why would the city council pay KD Lang and Tony Bennett to try and get people to move to San Francisco. Do either of them even live in San Francisco?". It took him a minute, even when I explained it is Live that rhymes with five and not live as in "I don't think I can live with this anymore".

He has some wonderful moments. Sometimes very funny moments, often unintentionally.


@Cm Because despite all the evidence they still couldn't see the truth, in big neon lights, that was slapping them across the face and screaming "you are going to lose. Leave with the small amount of dignity you have left and quit while you are behind." Am I right?

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

When I have had a bad day, I only have to think of chicken cat and I can put my problems in perspective
.
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July 14th, 2008, 12:05
We let you think you're winning, Kayla. (Btw, Cm, those jokes you've posted can proly be found here in this thread)

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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July 14th, 2008, 12:32
I don't think I'm winning, I know I am. Chickencat has claws and teeth and a chicken for moral support.

The greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing the world she didn't exist, and giving males the delusion they could successfully argue with Cm.

Consider magerette, Cm and … why not Jaz, as the evil Charlie's Angels. I merely stand in the wings applauding their performance and watching the body count mount up. You poor males never stand a chance.

If Cm's jokes had been posted before they still warrant repeating because males don't listen.

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

When I have had a bad day, I only have to think of chicken cat and I can put my problems in perspective
.
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July 14th, 2008, 15:59
Why would we listen to the nonsense a woman produces

(it's a statement, not a question)

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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July 15th, 2008, 06:18
Originally Posted by Kayla View Post
Consider magerette, Cm and … why not Jaz, as the evil Charlie's Angels.
I'm NOT evil.

Semper HiFi!
Motto of the 54th Groove Bde.
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July 15th, 2008, 07:12
No, you're just the cook. And no one with avatars like yours would ever seem evil…

@Kayla—your story about the live vs Live! confusion was hilarious and forces me to tell a similar story on myself:

My husband and I were following a car which had a bumper sticker that said :
"I'd rather be driving a Titleist"
I turned to the long-suffering man who married me and asked—'What's a Tit-leest? a German motorcycle?" His blank and uncomprehending stare forced me to reiterate my question and point to the bumper sticker, whereupon he began choking and spluttering and I was worrying because I don't know that Heimlich manuever thing, when he said, "Dear, it's a golf ball. A Title-ist."

Where there's smoke, there's mirrors.
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July 15th, 2008, 08:15
Interesting Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the….?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm……..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing….)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

When I have had a bad day, I only have to think of chicken cat and I can put my problems in perspective
.
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