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Default Return of the Daily Smile

January 30th, 2011, 14:19
Originally Posted by Corwin View Post
Ah, more tales from Cm's past!!
Was she a social worker? I don't think so

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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January 30th, 2011, 20:06
No Bart, you are correct…….and Corwin is the one who invented the outhouse back in his youth……he got tired of the bee stings and rashes from the grass.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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February 1st, 2011, 17:15
One day God creates Adam. Since man is so lonely, God tells him he's going to make a new creation called woman.
Adam asks god: "That's nice, but what is a woman?"
God: "Basically, it's like man, but better, nicer, with better shapes, smoother skin, less complicated, doesn't complain, does house work and so on."
Adam: "Wow! That sounds amazing. And how much would that cost ?"
God replies: "An arm and a leg."
Adam sighs and asks: "Well, that a bit too dear, what can I get for a rib?"

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February 6th, 2011, 07:33
The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.



BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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Last edited by Myrthos; February 6th, 2011 at 22:36. Reason: Edited to make it readable to those using the light setting as well (no text was changed :))
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February 7th, 2011, 00:23
That's an altered version from the following

From wiki:

"A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.

That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_humour
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February 7th, 2011, 02:07
Yeah, but your version doesn't have the payoff with Politicians and Nappies!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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February 10th, 2011, 15:19
Procrastination flowcharts

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February 15th, 2011, 17:28
I found this one funny: My 10 favourite programming quotes.

Target is programmers, but there should also be things to enjoy for those of you who know more natural languages than programming languages.

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March 3rd, 2011, 21:21
Growing up without a cell phone! ( This one made me laugh. )



If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our @ss! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, the collection agent… you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat*%#*&^!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 3rd, 2011, 21:47
100% total truth from top to bottom. Damn kids these days got no idea… Now get off my lawn, ya hooligans. Where's my World Fair spoon?

(We did have one bit of entertainment that kids now don't, though—caller ID killed the crank call. Not nearly as much fun to find a Harold Dick —yes, there was one in Lima, OH in the early 80's…or, ummm, so I heard…— in the phonebook and give him a ring, or ask the bowling alley about their 20 pound balls)

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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March 3rd, 2011, 23:47
That's not humour, that's TRUTH!! The writer forgot a few things, Black and White TV, NO calculators; you had to do real arithmatic on paper and finally, you had to learn how to hold a real conversation with real people face to face!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 4th, 2011, 05:23
Sheesh… why did you have to remind me of THOSE TIMES? Argh.

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March 4th, 2011, 08:52
Originally Posted by Corwin View Post
That's not humour, that's TRUTH!! The writer forgot a few things, Black and White TV, NO calculators; you had to do real arithmatic on paper and finally, you had to learn how to hold a real conversation with real people face to face!!
We did however have the slide rule!

A a man walked into a slide rule shop with his daughter. He said to the assistant:

"Can you do something for me? My daughter's having difficulty in understanding her new slide rule cursor".

The assistant replied "Certainly, Sir" then turned to the daughter and shouted "You silly girl, if you weren't so stupid and lazy you'd have no problems understanding your rule."

At which point the father interjected - "Why are shouting at my daughter like that?".

"But sir, you said 'My daughter's having difficulty in understanding her new slide rule. Curse her!' "

Says pibbur, who only recently noticed there were web pages dedicated to slide rule jokes.
Last edited by pibbur; March 4th, 2011 at 09:14.

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March 4th, 2011, 09:12
Found this one while looking for more slide rule jokes:

If Men Ruled the World……

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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March 4th, 2011, 20:09
I'm not sure pibbur but I think a lot of guys already think some of those rules are in effect now. Then they sit and scratch their…ummm…heads and wonder why dinner is now resting snuggly in their laps.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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March 4th, 2011, 23:00
Ah, the days when I could actually eat my dinner off a plate instead of my lap. Now, if my wife would eat my dinner off my…hmmm bad idea

'nut
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March 5th, 2011, 00:40
Ah, slide rules, I still have one!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 5th, 2011, 01:43
Originally Posted by Corwin View Post
That's not humour, that's TRUTH!! The writer forgot a few things, Black and White TV, NO calculators; you had to do real arithmatic on paper and finally, you had to learn how to hold a real conversation with real people face to face!!
That's for people over 80, not over 40
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March 5th, 2011, 22:38
If you are an fan or otherwise into the music of Enya, then read this thread, especially from page 2 on : http://enyaforum.proboards.com/index…lay&thread=475

I don't know whether this link really works for non-forum members … I've never tried.
And be warned : You must know her music at least for a while to understand the jokes in that … the "special releases", for example …

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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March 8th, 2011, 16:40
Got this one from Codeproject: 50 geeky things to do before you cick the bucket

A few highlights:

- Teach a relative to fix their own PC.
- Try every mobile OS at least once.
- Have my smartphone battery last all day.
- Beat every level on Angry Birds and get three stars.
- Install Android on every gadget imaginable.
- Make a pilgrimage to Athens and see the Antikythera Mechanism.
- Take a geek cruise to kill kobolds in the Caribbean
- Break into Area 51. Bonus points: Break out of Area 51.

Wikipedia has more on the Antikythera thingy

If you are curious about the geek cruise: Caribbean Board Game and RPG cruise

Says pibbur, 10 down 40 to go

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