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March 16th, 2011, 00:54

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March 24th, 2011, 22:58
Absolutely Brilliant ???

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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March 25th, 2011, 00:43
Good one
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March 25th, 2011, 02:51
Took a while to get there, but worth the trip…

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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March 27th, 2011, 14:24
This is why I usually go by train?
Cheap Flights

Says pibbur who admits that going to Edinburgh by train is more expensive than flying. But 7 - 21 times more funny.

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March 29th, 2011, 22:31
Don't think this one has been put up before. I expect cm wrote it. Apologize for the all-caps, but I only have time for a cut-n-paste
=========
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A
CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
"Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT,
A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR,
NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING
WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD
ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL,
AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE
AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING
A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW
HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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March 30th, 2011, 01:29
Yes, but for an engineer, your arithmetic needs work!! 44+25= 69, not 65 and 69 is much more interesting!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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April 5th, 2011, 13:47
Found on the Larian boards (in the German-language section, by the way ! ) :

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call wento out that there was a small medium at large.

He couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to him.

He said she was average because he was mean.

Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends, but that would be pointless.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

“ Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.“ (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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April 5th, 2011, 15:25
Didn't get this one:
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
The others are worth a chuckle
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April 5th, 2011, 15:41
Originally Posted by Pladio View Post
Didn't get this one:


The others are worth a chuckle
Asphalt=road
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April 5th, 2011, 15:48
Yeah, but why does he have asphalt with him in a bar ?
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April 5th, 2011, 16:04
Maybe it was thirsty?

I think you're overanalyzing.
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April 6th, 2011, 13:08
They're just word games, nothing more …

“ Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.“ (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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April 7th, 2011, 02:20
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder……

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there… I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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April 11th, 2011, 20:23
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building here in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't even crack a smile.

'Oh, well. At least I tried,' he thought.

But about five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she suddenly burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked her.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: *sigh* / / Detroit Red Wings: Took injuries to see them, but how about them youngsters!
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April 12th, 2011, 22:44
I could say something but I won't………. Good one Dte.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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April 13th, 2011, 01:15
Originally Posted by Cm View Post
I could say something but I won't………. Good one Dte.
Gee, that's a FIRST from you!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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April 27th, 2011, 16:08
Found this one on Journal of Irreproducable results webpage. An ode to the spell checker:

Candidate for a Pullet Surprise
Jerrold H. Zar
Northern Illinois University

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

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May 9th, 2011, 13:25
When will we see these in RPG's?

άbereil

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May 10th, 2011, 10:02
And you still think Obama wasn't the correct choice for presidency?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4RRi…eature=related

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