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Default Return of the Daily Smile

June 4th, 2011, 21:16
These may be hidden here in the archives of pages past, but they did spark a smile so here you go.

Ain't never heard it called that before!

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."


SMART ASS

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their
Soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
Shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
Walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
Curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
Asked, "What are you selling' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well…
Only two left."

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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June 10th, 2011, 19:18
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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Default Be on time …

June 12th, 2011, 20:34
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For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. - HL Mencken
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June 16th, 2011, 15:32
Turns out the environmentalists were right. Deforestation truly is a problem:
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Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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Talking q.e.d.

June 19th, 2011, 22:44
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For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. - HL Mencken
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Wink playing too many crpgs

June 19th, 2011, 22:47
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For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. - HL Mencken
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June 20th, 2011, 02:08
Originally Posted by HiddenX View Post
Tracey is almost correct, the answer is the sqare root of 18!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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June 21st, 2011, 12:38
Originally Posted by Corwin View Post
Tracey is almost correct, the answer is the sqare root of 18!!
Corwin, get a calculator -> they put a square around the brackets so it's clearly 18. A proof would be to do it with the numbers 3 and 9 for example.

so very, very tired (Star Trek XI quote according to the Simpsons)
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June 21st, 2011, 19:06
Binomial Formula:
(a+b)^2 = a^2 + 2*a*b + b^2 =>

(sqr(2)+sqr(8))^2 =
2+2*sqr(2)*sqr(8)+8 =
2+2*sqr(16)+8
2+2*4+8 = 18

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. - HL Mencken
Last edited by HiddenX; June 30th, 2011 at 07:04.
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June 21st, 2011, 20:32
Hey, at his age Corwin's lucky to even know there's a monitor in front of him, let alone actually reading it properly.

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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June 22nd, 2011, 02:32
I think I mis-read the original problem, which at my age as Dte points out, would not be unusual!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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June 22nd, 2011, 02:35
We may have seen this before, but it's worth repeating for all you 'youngsters'!!

Subject: Growing up without a cell phone

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill…. Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent…. you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'… Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!




13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!




And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!




See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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June 22nd, 2011, 14:13
Miracle of Life
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June 24th, 2011, 23:41
Some REALLY happy pigs !!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGZlk…layer_embedded

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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Default Alerts to threats in 2011 europe

June 30th, 2011, 06:16
I rarely find something worth a guffaw, so here it is.


BY JOHN CLEESE ["Monty Python's Flying Circus"]

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." A recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability, precipitated the rise.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:” Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Author:
John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person
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June 30th, 2011, 06:41
Love the part about Oz, it is just SO spot on!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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July 5th, 2011, 23:21
A Parody of Lady Ga Ga ? http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video…ral.videos.cnn
(Didn't have the sound on, so I can't really say.)

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)
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July 25th, 2011, 00:34
The Explaination of life:

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. If you are
looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.
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July 25th, 2011, 07:26
…and I won't tell you how long she's been there, but I can't remember a time when she wasn't!!

If God said it, then that settles it!!

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July 25th, 2011, 15:03
Perhaps, but then again you're lucky to remember much of anything…

Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
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