Return of the Daily Smile
- Thread starter Arma
- Start date
Bartacus
BartWatch
And yes, in Belgium we know that one too. The name is a bit different -> Frosties.
Bartacus
BartWatch
Instead of blondes, let's get those of our justice system:
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Good ones!
A redneck joke:
A redneck was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says,
"Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they're not as dumb as some government employees.
A redneck joke:
A redneck was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says,
"Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they're not as dumb as some government employees.
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Please do not press and hold the crown for more than 5 seconds, as this will initiate the Patented (US 4917391) self-destruct mechanism!!
curious
liberty or license
in theory this could go in the music thread, but this is pure comedy. (the guy on guitar is the main songwriter of dubstar, but this is nothing like anything else they released and not just because the singer was female. still this is worth a laugh or a smile even if you didn't know that info)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWLckOVh4kM&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWLckOVh4kM&mode=related&search=
Bartacus
BartWatch
I have a good one for the older women, not saying that there are any here.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
And another one
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
And offcourse another:
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
And another one
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
And offcourse another:
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Cm
Sentinel of Light
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........
Some asshole's got my pen!"
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........
Some asshole's got my pen!"
had to read it twice, before I got it, but then it cranked me up
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
For those having a bad day at work:
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
It really does work. You're smiling already.
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
It really does work. You're smiling already.
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Another NFG repeat posted by Wulf long ago.
A blonde police officer sees a car passing by at top speed. She instantly goes after it, and after having stopped the car, she walks over to the window. Another blonde woman opens the window, and looks at the blonde officer.
"Hello, miss. I'd like to see a driver's license and an ID please," the officer says.
"An ID? What's an ID?"
"Something where you can see your face on," the officer explains.
So the blonde starts searching for something where she can see her face on. After a while she takes something and looks at it. Pleased that she can see her face, she gives it to the officer. The police officer takes it, and looks at the face.
"Oh, miss, why didn't you tell me you were a police officer? You may go now."
A blonde police officer sees a car passing by at top speed. She instantly goes after it, and after having stopped the car, she walks over to the window. Another blonde woman opens the window, and looks at the blonde officer.
"Hello, miss. I'd like to see a driver's license and an ID please," the officer says.
"An ID? What's an ID?"
"Something where you can see your face on," the officer explains.
So the blonde starts searching for something where she can see her face on. After a while she takes something and looks at it. Pleased that she can see her face, she gives it to the officer. The police officer takes it, and looks at the face.
"Oh, miss, why didn't you tell me you were a police officer? You may go now."