magerette
Hedgewitch
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This one is real, from a letter from the juvenile home:
"I thot it was a fellonme but it was only a Mr. Meaner."
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Return of the Daily Smile
- Thread starter Arma
- Start date
This one is real, from a letter from the juvenile home:
"I thot it was a fellonme but it was only a Mr. Meaner."
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
I haven't heard that one before. Very, very funny.
You've probably seen this before, but it amuses me.... even after all this time.
Dear Omo Mailbag,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the
best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring S.O.B. husband started to berate me
about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the
neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of blood on my white
blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a
bottle of Liquid Omo with Bleach Alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then
my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a
suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having such a great
product.
Well, gotta go; I have to write a letter to the Jiffy bag people.
Signed
A Relieved Menopausal Wife
You've probably seen this before, but it amuses me.... even after all this time.
Dear Omo Mailbag,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the
best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring S.O.B. husband started to berate me
about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the
neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of blood on my white
blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a
bottle of Liquid Omo with Bleach Alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then
my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a
suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having such a great
product.
Well, gotta go; I have to write a letter to the Jiffy bag people.
Signed
A Relieved Menopausal Wife
magerette
Hedgewitch
- Joined
- October 18, 2006
- Messages
- 7,834
No doubt she has a grateful letter to the ginsu knife/Smith & Wesson people up next. 
A little religious humor--no offense, Corwin
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Annapolis for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."
A little religious humor--no offense, Corwin
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Annapolis for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."
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Loved them all. And don't worry Magerette, I have folders full of religious jokes/humour on my HD!! If you can't laugh at yourself occasionally, you're in BIG trouble!!
Übereil, what is that? It looks like the love child of Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo and a chocolate sponge cake. That's just weird!
Sammy, I like your kitty picture, and I'm not at all biased.
Sammy, I like your kitty picture, and I'm not at all biased.
Corwin a lot of religious jokes/humour ? why don't you post them?
Cm
Sentinel of Light
THE REDHEAD
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
..
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner
To make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings
The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO
incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
..
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner
To make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings
The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO
incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
That's Domo-Kun! He eats kittens...
(In other words: Don't ask me, I'm just as clueless as you in this area
.)Übereil
txa1265
SasqWatch
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- October 18, 2006
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- 14,951
Pinocchio's Problem
Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "Just now my son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."
So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and making love. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.
Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"
Pinocchio replies, "Great, I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."
"Oh dear," says his father, "All I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."
Some time later he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"
"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper?!?"
Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "Just now my son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."
So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and making love. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.
Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"
Pinocchio replies, "Great, I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."
"Oh dear," says his father, "All I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."
Some time later he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"
"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper?!?"
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magerette
Hedgewitch
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Hmmm, I'd say that's a classic example of irony.
Since in my locale, I am constantly subjected to redneck humor, I figure the least I can do is share the pain:
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hiding' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Since in my locale, I am constantly subjected to redneck humor, I figure the least I can do is share the pain:
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hiding' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
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