Return of the Daily Smile

Death to all smart-alkes!

To all my friends and family who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters,'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,


NONE OF THAT stuff WORKED!!!!



For 2008, could you please just send money,
beer, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?

OK, cm and magerette, here's a little support for your side.
------------------------
An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "YES, YES, I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.

Just got this one and had to share.
-----------------
RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original 1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based upon the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg!

Both excellent dte--I think I've found a way to supplement my retirement income--however it's going to have to be the Keg plan, not nude gambling....if only I'd started sooner.

Just goes to prove the old financial advice; start planning for retirement when you're young.

Good ones Dte..........I think I will have to go with magerette on this one though.....I don't think I could "stimulate" that much attention to grab the money and run. :lol:

Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my lips are sealed, but it's hard not to make a suitable comment!!

Corwin said:

Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my lips are sealed, but it's hard not to make a suitable comment!!

Click to expand...

Is it something like: men would turn away?

turn away? don't you mean run away?
Or maybe even more fitting: turn into stone like in a certain myth

Huh? I thought males would jump on pretty much anything as long as it had, well, openings. Like a car.

Jaz said:

Huh? I thought males would jump on pretty much anything as long as it had, well, openings. Like a car.

Click to expand...

That's because you reflect this upon a beautifull woman like you, Jaz. We were talking about CM!

Bart brings new meaning to the term 'living dangerously'!! I'm sure he has a death wish.

Bart will not be joining the Watch for a while. He is so dead now they WILL have to bury him twice. And joining him on that same stick will be titus.

But I changed my signature for you, CM

( )

I remember posting this one back at the Dot, but I don't remember seeing it here. Perhaps some adventurous person could even locate a You Tube copy of the original Abbot and Costello routine!!

This might be too much for the young group.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too Old to REALLY
understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes
get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my
computer and I want to type a proposal. What do need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.
OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

dte visits the politics forum again

Singularly appropriate.

The eyeballs bouncing out at the end just have me rolling so much my sides hurt. I guess I'm easily amused.

Are you sure that was you and not PJ??!!

It's pretty universal on that forum, I think.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow
Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise
Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something , ask
If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it
"In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once
Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For
Smuggling Drugs".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With
The Prophecy ".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,
with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems
Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play tropical sounds All Day .

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't
Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling
Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!
I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the
Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The
Economy (and gas prices) , We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Post outrageously stupid jokes on RPGWatch.

Blessed are the cracked, for it is they who let in the
light