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Default It's been a long time

March 11th, 2019, 21:18
Since I even thought about getting on here. My friends some of you know me most probably don't, but once upon a time I was here a lot.

Let me tell you something I've learned since I've been gone. I've learned that life is cruel, but hiding my head in the sand does nothing other than cause more problems.

For those interested in what happens when your life gets chewed up and spit back out to clean up the pieces to find something of my soul in there again.

It all started when my mother passed away the day before I was to fly back from Taiwan to see her in the hospital. Long story short I took over her motel, lost it because I'm a teacher not a businessman, was diagnosed with MS when I couldn't figure out why my balance was messed up, attempted suicide by grabbing a butcher knife and shoving it in my gut, survived only because the pointed end was flat had no idea they made knives like that, my brother disowned me because I'm too weird for him, was sent to the illumination foundation to help me get on my feet, could only do so much for me because they deal with short problems like needing a place to heal (there is no healing from MS), officially was homeless now but at least had a car I rented weekly, kept off the streets with my car, money ran out was officially homeless and on the streets, slowly managed to get help through SOS (THE BEST resource for the homeless), got on disability, but still not enough to get off the streets and now this brings us to this moment right now.

You would think I would be miserable or screaming,"Why me GOd? What the fuck did I do to deserve having my world torn to pieces?"

Here is the surprising thing that shocks even me to this day. I'm not unhappy at all. I have survived the worst and I'm still alive. Not just that I KNOW why God saved me that day when I wanted to end my life. God saved me for one simple to FIGHT for thosre that have no voice. To SHAKE up the status quo and remind American's that we are better than the petty greed of those that want to rule the world.

I maybe crazy and I"m actually 90% sure I am, but my friends I have always sought God and I've found God at long last. The damn bastard was with me the entire time I just couldn't see. You don't have God save you from death and just htink oh that was just lucky. Hell no God saved me to help the lost, shunned, forgotten. He saved me to help the homeless since who better than someone who has and is homeless.

So now I'm begging my fight to bring some humanity back into the scared masses who have been brainwashed into believing that money is everything. Money means nothing. Look at me I barely have any anymore and I have never been happier in my life.

I was born to fight for us. The homeless and the homed because what I will be doing will affect both of us. I do not like ICE. I do not like what America has become. So I'm coming at them with something they won't expect. Instead of pounding my chest yelling and physical confrontations I'm taking a page from someone who knew that physical violence wasn't the way to what he wanted. I'm comning at them with love and understanding. I know how foo foo that sounds, but it's the only way to get people to see again. To see through the fear, the anger to see that the homeless used to be them before. I used to be you. The message most of all though I want to get through their thick skulls is the "they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

That is only part of the poem, but I think you get the point. Hate and fear has been used time and time again. I would have thought that humans would have been able to see through the BS, but I forget how powerful fear and hate is. The only thing more powerful yet not as easy to invoke is love.

If you've read this far thank you. I am under the delusion that one man or woman can change the world. Well I'm not trying to change the world just my little piece of it here in Southern California. I know Americans and how petty, greedy, uncaring we can be, but the amazing thing about us is we will root for the underdogs given half a chance. Up until this moment that's all we had to do. Now it's time to tap into that rebel in us and say, "We aren't going to stand by and do nothing."

I've met some amazing people while being homeless. From both sides of this battle. I can't tell you how many times I've been just handed either some food or money and all I was doing was sitting thinking about my life. It seems whenever it starts to become too much for me something happens to give me the strength to continue on For example about a month ago I had ALL my stuff thrown away by some jerk who didn't like the fact that I was homeless. This has happened 3 times now where all my stuff has either been thrown away, stolen or lost.

I was at the point of not being able to go on. I was actually thinking about just ending my misery because it's very difficult for me to be viewed as vermin (I know ironic since Skaven are my favorite race in Warrhammer), but people don't want to look at me let alone talk. I had had enough of being told to "move along"

I was outside putting what little I had left in a cart when this woman came up to me and started talking to me about how easy it is to become honeless now. At first she gave me twenty dollars, but after talking with me she asked if I could use anymore money and I could because to get a motel where I can take a shower and just feel human again costs around 80 dollars. So as she left she gave me a hundred dollar bill. Me just some homeless dude who has had life kick him in the teeth she cared about to give that to. She saved my life that day and it wasn't because of the money though I can't tell you how awesome feeling normal again is. No, she saved my life by just seeing me and seeing that i was human who has had life beat the crap out of me.

As she left I broke down and started crying like I haven't cried since my mother passed away. It meant so much to me that she saw me as human.

I've stayed away from here because I thought it would be too hard for me to come back since when I was here a lot my life was vastly different. You know what it isn't hard at all. It just reminds me how far I've come and I have only begun to truly live.

That is just a small piece of what I've been through. I am now writing like crazy to do three things. One to journal my life being homeless. Two an app to help newly homeless people to survive and three get the stories from the people I've met out here both homed and homeless.

There are certain people that shine out from the crowd. i call them Diamonds. We are constantly inundated with negative energy I am making it my mission to show people that the flip side of the negative bullshit is out there too. They aren't talked about often because they are by and large humble people who don't require any praise. They just do what they do.

Well I'm tired of the fucking negativity that the news, politicians and anyone else that's in power who wants us to believe that they are the only ones with the answers to our problems. Nonsense.. We are the answer to our problems and it isn't by scapegoating anyone, illegal aliens, homeless or any of the voiceless masses. They aren't they problem. They are just a convenient excuse to take from us.

In conclusion my friends no matter what race you are, what side of the isle you sit, what your religious belief you are. NONE of that really matters in the end. What matters is love. That will be our only savior in the times ahead. If I can find enough of those diamonds out there to make a difference in even just one life then I will die content that I did what I was supposed to do in this life. I will not just be another soul floating down the river of life without standing up in the stream and saying "NO, I WILL FIGHT" and fight I am doing in the way that someone like me can fight. Not with a gun or fists, but with words of comfort to those that solely need it. I am fighting for my reality. I will not live in a reality where they rip children from the parents. i will not live in a reality where fear and anger rule people. I will do what I have to do to get people to feel again.

Here is a new story I was in: https://www.ocregister.com/2018/11/1…working-on-it/

That is Mike, the director for SOS and an extremely good friend of mine. He is helping me to accomplish my crazy goal of bringing out the rebel in people. If Ghandi could accom[lish his goals through a different way than with violence then I can as well. Thank god my goal isn't as huge as his was because I wouldn't be able to starve myself like he did, but I can take the lessons learned by what he did to show me that there is another way to rebel without the need to resort to violence.

This is a video of me when United Way came to interview me. I was at the lowest point back thenP: .https://youtu.be/c2OvcJIXvME

Well that's it guys that's what I've been up to and how nuts I've become. I wish I could just go back to finding info on new RPGs, but unfortunately that person who I used to be is dead now. He was killed and then reborn into whatever I am now. At least that is the way I'm choosing to look at it..
--
Despite all my rage.
I'm still just a rat in a cage.
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skavenhorde

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