Return of the Daily Smile
- Thread starter Arma
- Start date
skavenhorde
Little BRO Rat
@CM pretty good 
Here's another from my brother. Those of you with dirty minds will get the questions wrong.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry replied, "Bubble Gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
What do all girls have that all boys want that starts with a "P" and
ends with a "Y" ?
The Principal was sweating.
Harry: "Personality."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last eight questions wrong...... "
Here's another from my brother. Those of you with dirty minds will get the questions wrong.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry replied, "Bubble Gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
What do all girls have that all boys want that starts with a "P" and
ends with a "Y" ?
The Principal was sweating.
Harry: "Personality."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last eight questions wrong...... "
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Cake Or Bed
A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
Honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
Fix The Lights Now?
Does It Look Like I Have
Ge Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.
Fine,
Then The Wife Asks,
Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right
To Which He Replied,
Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So
Fine, She Says
Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break
I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps
He Says, Does It Look Like I Have
Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So
I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!!
So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours................................
He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home
As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
As He Enters The House , He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working
As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried.
Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
All I Had To Do Was Either
Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
He Said,
So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?
She Replied,
Hellooooo..
Do You See Betty Crocker Written
On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!
A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
Honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
Fix The Lights Now?
Does It Look Like I Have
Ge Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.
Fine,
Then The Wife Asks,
Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right
To Which He Replied,
Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So
Fine, She Says
Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break
I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps
He Says, Does It Look Like I Have
Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So
I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!!
So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours................................
He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home
As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
As He Enters The House , He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working
As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried.
Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
All I Had To Do Was Either
Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
He Said,
So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?
She Replied,
Hellooooo..
Do You See Betty Crocker Written
On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!
I seem to have trouble getting the last question... I get all the others, but this one...
"What do all girls have that all boys want that starts with a "P" and
ends with a "Y" ?"
I'm talking about the response most of you had in your head, not the boy's response.
By the way, I think I need to go back to first grade
"What do all girls have that all boys want that starts with a "P" and
ends with a "Y" ?"
I'm talking about the response most of you had in your head, not the boy's response.
By the way, I think I need to go back to first grade
Ooh. I think I get it now ..
skavenhorde
Little BRO Rat
:lol: I guess your mind isn't as dirty as some of ours.
@CM That was great.
@CM That was great.
Lol, think cats !?!
Cm
Sentinel of Light
Moving on to the new joke for the day.
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security
sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"
_____
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've
got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he
lets out this ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the
problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it
wakes me up!"
_____
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out
and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you
never tell me when you
have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and
replied, "You're never home!"
_____
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern
medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't
cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost
would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large".
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any
decision. The man called
his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into
the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the
kitchen."
_____
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and
said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it
all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
_____
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo
to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman She became violent
and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted
living apartment" killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the
judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex, he could fly."
Bartacus
BartWatch
@Corwin 3, 4 and 5!
A story between two women:
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.
A story between two women:
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.
dteowner
Shoegazer
This actually happened (see the Darwin Awards) and the driver actually WON a lawsuit because there were no warning stickers telling her she couldn't leave the driver's seat.
Cm
Sentinel of Light
I still shake my head about that one Dte. Unreal what a judge and or jury will say is fair now adays. I say they just put one general sticker on all products made.
"Idiots are not allowed to buy this. If you don't know how to use it, you are one."
"Idiots are not allowed to buy this. If you don't know how to use it, you are one."
skavenhorde
Little BRO Rat
Where do these people come from?
I got another sticker for you cm, "Your IQ must be higher than a slug's to use this product."
I got another sticker for you cm, "Your IQ must be higher than a slug's to use this product."
dteowner
Shoegazer
That might make for a fun thread--warning stickers. Like the ones you see on irons that says you can't iron clothes while you're wearing them... There wouldn't be a warning if someone hadn't done it, folks.