Return of the Daily Smile

glot, this one has me cracking up! The look on the cat's face w/ the caption priceless
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http://www.theonion.com/content/news…urce=a-section

It all begins to make sense now…

Got this in a local email. I suppose I could have put it in the P&R forum, but I feel this is more suitable!!

Interesting how various nations view threats differently.

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in
Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross."
Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all
but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The
last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the
great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The recent rise was precipitated by a fire that last week destroyed France's white
flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress
in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade
a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies,
just in case.

And at a local level…

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister's bath),

New Zealand has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Austrulia will come
end riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a
strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll
be right, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the
barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final
escalation level.

Methinks everybody knows this one already, but it deserves being watched again for a healthy dose of contagious laughter. If you don't know it, keep watching - the real fun starts at about 1:40.

Dad at Comedy Barn

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcont…o.3d4a479.html

A "feel good" smile, rather than a joke. The guy has the mind of a 9-year-old and his "world" was apparently focused around a couple autographed posters he had.

Admittedly, this is only funny to those watching:

Ring them balls

To those of you unfamiliar with the heroes' tongue, its from a Norwegian newspaper. You should still be able to find out how to activate the video.

In a similar vein, observe the following:

1. The Norwegian "common" word for "ball" (as in testicle) is "stein", which translates to "stone".
2. Kidney stones may be treated by focused ultrasound beams, using a device called a lithotriptor.
3. The Norwegian word for said device is "steinknuser", which directly translates to "stonecrusher".
4. Remember (1)?
5. Most norwegian male medical students don't like the name given in (3).

The Perfect Gift!!

(I had to share this one!)

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll
do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . … WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!


P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

and a pic

Where'd you get that pic of CM? Some of those are old, but a few could be legit!!

(It gets nicer if you know beforehand that it's a Michael Jackson joke.)

Farrah Fawcett died, sadly. However her spirit was raised up, out of her body and glided with grace towards the welcoming arms of God. As she arrived, St. Peter even went so far as to ask, before she entered the gates of heaven. "If you could have one wish, child, what would it be?"

Farrah answered. "I wish for the happiness and safety of all the children in the world."

Within a few hours Michael Jackson was dead.

Übereil

Some pictures for yall. My funny image folder is huge, so I'll pick nerd-related ones.

Doom Fanfiction
Pokemon
MegaDerp
Loot Drop
Level 40 Mount
Bad Subtitle
Power Level
Sharing a Drink
Call the Cops
Squirtle
Tripping
Peter Parker
Wrong Facepalm

Oh my. I love the Doom fanfic .

I LOLed @ the DOOM fanfic, Loot Drop, and Call the Cops.

The Loot Drop was so funny it cracked me up and the lvl 40 mount and the squirtle

Here's a great skit from Whitest Kids U Know. NSFW due to language.

A woman comes home and asks her husband:
"Do you remember the head aches I had for years?"
"They are over !!!!"
"how did you made that happen" ask the man
" Carola gave me the number of a hypnotist and I made an apointment.
He told me to stand in front of the mirror and say many times after each other:
The head ache is over, the headache is over.
And it worked.

Maybe you should see him too, because the last few years you weren't that good in bed anymore."

So the man makes an apointment. When he comes home after, he grabs his wife and carries her to the bedroom.
" Wait just a minute" and he runs of to the bathroom.
He comes back and gives his wife some amazing sex.
He repeats this several times and the sex gets better each time.
Then the wife sneaks up to the bathroom because she wants to know what her husband is doing.

She sees him saying to the mirror:
"THIS IS NOT MY WIFE"
"THIS IS NOT MY WIFE"
"THIS IS NOT MY WIFE"
"THIS IS NOT MY WIFE"

his funeral is next saterday

An other good one:

A couple had a two year old twin

But one could talk and the other one couldn't

They tried everything.

The father decided to go to Lourdes with the child.


Once he arrived there, he baptised the kid with holy water.

The child suddenly screamed: Fool!!

The father pushed his head under water again and the kid screamed again: Fool!!

The father was in 7th heaven, called the mother and told her that the kid screamed Fool

"You are a fool" said the mother

" You took the wrong one with you"

Valentine's day is long gone, but I found this one cute.

cute,kiss,love,hilarious,sign,store-c0da92f9f1b9840efb2d79e4d70bdb31_h.jpg

Originally Posted by Arhu
Valentine's day is long gone, but I found this one cute.

Attachment 406

That is hilarious …

Oldies but goldies.