Return of the Daily Smile

You need to reverse the roles, Bart. Only the wife is allowed to speak like that. Trust me.

Perhaps Dte, but as far as I heard it's almost everytime the woman that gets cold. (Like the cold feet you'd feel pushing against you in bed)

And a joke for all the women around here:

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went!

This one was sent to a friend of mine by her British in-laws--trust the Brits for le mot juste:


The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle belonging to a well dressed, middle-aged Frenchwoman.

The Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up:

"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Ah the English; trust them to get it right occasionally!!

CM must be on vacation...or maybe she's just...busy..out in the Barn....so I leap into the breach with this one for the more(physically) mature among us:

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, the relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first. "


Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet", said the mother.


After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "Not yet," replied the mother.


Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.


"When he cries?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries??"


"Because, I forgot where I put him!"

Nope this can't be a story about CM -> She wouldn't get pregnant anymore, but lose one of her grandchildren instead

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

* I have missed so much I won't try to catch up in type. But I did take a few names down! *

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time

in a land far away, (most likely in some guys head)

a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:

" Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. (And I know why!)

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am.

And then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,

where you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes,

bear my children,

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously

on lightly sauteed frog legs

seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,

she chuckled and thought to herself:

"Yea RIGHT!"

Choke!!! Not Nice!!!!

I don't know, Corwin, but legs are my favourite too when it comes to fema...frogs, I mean!

Now this is something you don't say to the family:

What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.

A little international flavor:

Almost Lost in Translation

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily
ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very
proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day She needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know
how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her
blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again,
and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to
find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the
store...

I liked that one magerette.... Very nice.
I actually thought the solution would be what I was thinking !!!

One of the silly jokes now:

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

A cartoon from our local newspaper pic

I don't get the cartoon, Bart, but the earlier joke was definitely worth a giggle.

This one is old, but I hadn't seen it for so long I forgot the punch line--hopefully everyone else's memory is equally vague:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

That one was quite good and 'I' never heard it before. As to explaine the cartoon a bit -> You see those are doctors on the first, second and third place, just like with a sports event? Yes, I know you've seen that. Now when it comes to the actual surrounding you're bound to recognize some of it: That tower in the back is a giveaway. Now what big sport event ended in Paris recentely ... and what big sport event had so much troubles lately with 'doping' ...

That joke only works if you care about bikesports.

This one might be a tad bit offensive, I'm allways told I've got a 'weird' sence of humour. I think it's just fun though .

Übereil

A bit sick, but I still see the humor of it.

Another pic of the local newspaper, but I have to translate the text above first:

Russians send 4 diplomats home as a return

I don't know weather I already posted this one, but it made me smile again:

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Yes, you've posted it before!!

Daddy accompanies his 3-year-old daughter to bed. She folds her chubby little hands to pray: "Oh Lord, protect Mommy, protect Daddy, protect Granny. Bye, Grandpa."
Dad doesn't think too much of it, but the next morning, Grandpa is dead. Well, just a coincident, isn't it?
Two weeks later, the little one prays: "Oh Lord, protect Mommy, protect Daddy. Bye, Granny. "
A shiver runs down Dad's spine, and indeed - the next morning, Granny lies in her bed... dead.
Could it be that his daughter is... gifted?
He mulls it over for a while, but then forgets about it... until six months later, the little one prays: "Oh Lord, protect Mommy. Bye, Daddy."
An icy lump materializes in Dad's stomach; he spends a sleepness night and leaves early for work. Once he has safely arrived at the office, he shuts himself in and spends the rest of the day trembling behind his desk, with an eye on the clock.
Time passes, but nothing happens. When it's five minutes past midnight, Dad drives back home.
His wife greets him at the door: "What's the matter, Darling? You never worked overtime before. What happened?"
Dad, still pale, shakes his head. "Please... I don't wanna talk about it. Let's just say this was the worst day in my life."
His wife shrugs. "Well, this day wasn't all too pleasant here, either. The postman dropped dead on our doorstep."

Good one, Jaz. I was starting to think the little girl was actually Oscar the Cat.