Skav, i understand very well what you're going through. My second husband spent his whole life killing himself with drugs and alcohol(dead at 46) because this world was just too hard for him to live in. For many years I had only great anger and contempt for him leaving me to deal with everything. It's only recently (20 years almost later) that I am able to see that it really WAS too hard for him--he just couldn't deal with it. He did try several times to quit drinking, but like your father, that was pointless since the underlying reason--despair--was never dealt with. He had that response to life, and what good does it do to say he should have toughed it out? At his funeral, his brother said he had told him not to feel sorry for him, that he'd lived the life he chose of his own free will and accepted the consequences.
Then, a few years ago, my very troubled young stepson blew his brains out. My husband had to see him lying dead on the grass in the back yard. He was 14. However, my husband is a much better person than I am, and never blamed him. He's only said over the years "He did what he thought was right. It was his call."
I know right now it's hard for you to forgive these people in your life who've left you to deal with the pain, but if you loved them, you will eventually be able to see that they perhaps did not have the clearcut choice you presently think they did. I think that as well as just wanting out of their difficulties and personal pain, both my second husband and my stepson felt that their messed-up lives were bringing more pain to others than their deaths ever would.
Anyway, hang in there. You're entitled to your feelings in the matter, and like the rest of us, will have to work through them to understand both yourself and others.
