A Return to the Era of Incline - Old Games Revisited

Contra Hard Corps - Megadrive

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^Haven't I seen you somewhere before?…………

Raved about in gaming circles, Hard Corps is renowned as one of the best in the series. I played it years ago, but could never take to it. Something about it didn't grab me like Contra 3 did.

So on the plus side there's branching paths, cool graphics, the usual Contra set-pieces, and some very groovy & well balanced characters. There's no denying that it does a lot of the Contra staples very well, and has some real individuality to boot.

But overall I was very disappointed. Firstly it recycles a fair few elements from Contra 3, which isn't bad per say, it just feels a bit too familiar at times. Secondly the music's fucking wank too. Ear bleeding shit at times. Really grated on me.

But I'm also not a fan of boss-rush type games in general. Despite there being some very inventive bosses, what it boils down to is spending a lot of the time locked in a samey course of repetitive actions. Stay in one place & rely on a certain weapon, jump in a certain repetitive pattern over & over. Not a problem when that's an occurrence once or twice per level, but when it happens 5 or 6 times throughout, it just gets boring. Especially when each one is so punishing and each fight lasts quite some time (whereas they were often over in half the time in Contra 3)

It can be quite fiddly at times too, with the weapon select method another step back from the L/R method used in Contra 3. Yes you can pause the game to select a weapon, but that detracts from the action. There's very little room for error, so that also highlights the fundamental design flaw with the A button both switching your weapons, and locking you in place when needed. It's very easy to pull off one instead of the other, and this becomes frustrating. And there's some absolute total bullshit deaths from out of nowhere too. I know it was rife in this era, but some games take the piss at times, and this is one of them.

It's really strange how just a few small differences from this to Contra 3 can make it so detestable, but I really didn't like it at all.

Very overrated IMO.

2/5
 
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Contra 3/Super Probotector - SNES

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^ One of the biggest "wow!" moments in gaming of my life

A big fave of mine from back in t'day, Contra 3 really blew my socks off as a kid. One of my all time greatest gaming memories was watching that bomber dive in and scorch the ground. Fucking awesome.

So playing it now it still carries a lot of that impact. What it does so well is constantly throw new things at you, but purposeful things which present both a familiar & yet different challenge. You drive a tank, you jump over scorched earth, you ride a bike, you hang from missiles in the sky etc. All of them are done very well and, coupled with distinctly different enemies & levels, it provides a stream of constant freshness & excitement.

Within 2 minutes of playing this it was easy to see why I much prefer it to Contra Hard Corps. In comparison to Contra Hard Corps, the weapons feel more satisfying, the game actually gives you a chance to evade enemy fire even if you don't know it's coming, enemy mid-bosses are dispatched swiftly enough for the game not to drag, you're actually given space to assess enemies & situations, and the music is actually pretty banging too.

But those overhead sections. Uggggh. They aren't awful as such (well maybe the second one is), but they are definitely the game's weakest point & each level sees a dip in the fun. If the game was made up of those alone, it'd be pretty poor. Thankfully they're short lived.

It's a much better paced, better rounded experience than Hard Corps, but it's just such a shame that they didn't trade those 2 overhead levels for another side-scrolling one.

Great game, just falls short slightly due to said overhead levels dragging it down.

4/5
 
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I should try Contra 3, sounds good. The only Contra I remember playing was on the Gameboy, many years ago - not sure which one it was. I sank a lot of hours into it, so I must have enjoyed it, but pretty much the only thing I remember about it was that it was really, really hard. :)
 
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I should try Contra 3, sounds good. The only Contra I remember playing was on the Gameboy, many years ago - not sure which one it was. I sank a lot of hours into it, so I must have enjoyed it, but pretty much the only thing I remember about it was that it was really, really hard. :)

Contra 3 is definitely worth playing mate. Some prefer the GBA version, which gets rid of the poorer overhead levels, and replaces them with levels from Hard Corps, but they make a few other twekas too which don't sit well with me, and personally I still prefer the SNES version.

I very nearly scored it a 5, but it just fell short.
 
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Dr Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine/Puyo Puyo - Megadrive

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^Flick your beans

Single player puzzle games can fuck off for me, but I love a good Vs puzzler like Bust A Move, Bombliss or Baku Baku. This was one I played more on emulation as an adult, so I'm cheating a bit reviewing it now, but I don't really care coz I'm a cunt.

Just one more go. Just one more go. In one phrase, that's this game. I can't put the fucking thing down. I put it on with the intention of playing for 5 min, and before I know it an hour's gone. When the AI is thrashing me, I force the missus to play it so I can kick her ass (although she is rather good at it). When I need a go-to game for mates coming over, and one that everyone can have a go on & enjoy, this is it.

What's there to say about it? It's lining up blobs so you have less than your enemy, and so you set traps which fuck their plans up too. It;s devious, it's risk Vs reward balance is spot on, and it's crazy that such a simple game can be so addictive.

But it is. Still to this very day. An absolute must own.

:5/5:
 
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Cybernator/Assault Suits Valken - SNES


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^Moby's a dick

Back in t'day this was one of those rare gems which you'd find buried beneath a load of trash which the mobile game swapper would take round. "Am caming aaaahhhht eer fa facking chicken feed!" ours would say, as he fleeced the gullible lads for £60 for something like Golden Fighter. "Everyone's buying this daaan taan" he'd say. Meanwhile we'd unearth Cybernator, and be met with a game of wonder. This hit the spot back in the day because it was so different to most other shooters. But has that stood the test of time?

Yeah kinda. It's certainly not as awe-inspiring as it was, but it does enough well to be enjoyable. Movement is spot on. You feel weighty enough to feel like a badass stomping giant Mech motherfucker, but it's also fluid & fast enough to keep the game playable & enjoyable too. The combat is very considered, and it makes for quite a unique experience for a game of that era. There's great level design, with each stage encompassing the feel of what it sets out to, and the story flowing nicely through each too.

Sadly, the more considered pace also makes the game feel somewhat laboured at times, mainly when you have to repeat sections because of losing a life. Running through it once feels great, but second time round I felt myself wanting a bit of a fast forward button.

Plenty to enjoy though.

4/5
 
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Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle - Megadrive

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^No, that's not true…..that's impossible!!!!

I was quick to pan this back in t'day. It was a cutesy game with little action, and as a spunk fuelled teen held absolutely no appeal to me amidst the glut of hi-octane arcade style hits which were released with the Megadrive.

Returning to it now and even as an old, handicapped man it still plays at a pace which sends me to sleep. In fact it's a pretty dire game all round. The first 3/4's of the game are a total walk in the park, with a bizarre emphasis on gaining money & items. Bizarre because it's often more dangerous & more hassle to mess about with said money & items than it is just to blast your way through to the end of the level.

The difficult ramps up steeply towards the end-game, and becomes really cheap, repetitive & annoying. It's also got sloppy controls as Alex slides all over, poor collision detection with his punch, and to top it all off boss fights are a guessing game (albeit ones which repeat themselves, so you can memorize). Throughout the entire playthrough I think I enjoyed only one level, and only got semi-excited once. The items you do get are crap too.

If you want to play an Alex Kidd game, The Master System ones are better than this. It's odd just how poor this is considering it was made after most of those.

1/5
 
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Alien Storm - Megadrive/Arcade

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^You can play as Elvis Presley

Golden Axe goes Sci-Fi. Always one of those games which got a 70%-ish review back in t'day wherever you looked.

Meh, it's still OK I guess. It's strength lies within it's pacing. One min you're fighting, the next you're in a FPP shooting gallery, the next you're running full speed at aliens. It's portioned very well, and keeps thing fresh throughout.

However, the actual fighting itself is quite repetitive, and the enemy variation leaves a lot to be desired. There's a lack of moves, which isn't too big a deal, but whereas the likes of Golden Axe has other elements which carry it, Alien Storm doesn't, and the levels are fairly bland too.

A decent but forgettable little blast.

3/5
 
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Altered Beast - Megadrive

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It may not be the most prestigious, it may not be the best game from the 16-bit era, but there's no doubt that Altered Beast is an iconic name among gamers of that era. Originally packaged as the "free" game on the official UK release of the Megadrive, it got a bit of a bad rap simply because it was viewed as cheap due to it being a freebie. "Fuckinghell, Bergin's a bummer who loves Altered Beast" were part of the insults of the day. So was it all that bad?

No, not at all. In fact, it's a good little blast. Playing as a strictly 2-D beat em up, your moves are limited as hell to kick, punch, duck & jump. But it works really well because not only does the main character move great, but the punch & kick mechanic target different levels of height, and that works really well when combined with said jump & duck mechanics. It's all about anticipating where the enemies are going to go, and that's when it becomes fun. See you can't just strategically pick them off one by one, instead to progress you have to grab your spirit balls, which means intercepting silver wolves. These often waltz straight through the screen, so you're often faced with a risk/reward situation of chasing after them, or defending yourself against the other enemies. Combined with the fighting mechanics it works great. There's also some great enemy variety too.

Sadly, it does fall over in a few key areas. Firstly, if you play the levels well, you only get to play in beast form for about 5 second before facing a boss. It really kills any sense of satisfaction, and puts a crimp in the pow factor. Then you've the beasts themselves. Whilst funky enough, only the dragon really stands out as anything different. Hell the last level skanks you right out & gives you the same beast from level 1 too. The game's short, there's absolutely nothing to return to after you've finished it, and there's nothing gameplay wise which differentiates each level from the next really.

I enjoyed it, but there's no doubt there's plenty of better games out there too. An iconic average thrive.

4/5
 
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Battletoads Vs Double Dragon - Megadrive/SNES

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bought us all a lot of joy as kids, but they also birthed us The Battletoads. What the fuck were they all about then? Flimsy shit designed to cash in on Turtles fame, and little more. There's a reason that 30 years later they'er still making TMNT films, and no fuckers making Battletoads. Coz they're shit. So what better way for them to cement their place in history than by pissing all over one of the greatest Beat Em Up pairings of all time in Double Dragon too? Here we go.

So like the Toads themselves, the game is very gimmicky, played for laughs, and the gameplay reflects that. On one hand some of the moves are comical & fun, on the other it feels very cheap that the computer pulls off most of the more OTT moves through only having to repeatedly press the same button, and not through player choice or combos etc. Too often you feel detached from the action, and don't mention the boss attack patterns, Christ, there's fuck all to them.

The longer I played, the less I gave a fuck, and by stage 3 I'd genuinely started to hate the game. There's gimmicky fun, and there's gimmcky shit, and this is the latter. Nothing feels right, everything feels cheap & lacklustre. It's just a big swirling mass of bollocks really.

But with all that said, whether you like it or not will depend on how far you can stretch your quality-shit tolerance. It's has got some appeal, and I can see why folk who enjoy stuff like Mad Max Fury Road may like it, but I fucking hate the thing.

1/5
 
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Cadash - Megadrive

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^ Pork Sword

I remember seeing the pics for this and desperately wanting to own it. It screamed "Fantasy Roleplay Adventure", and my balls almost exploded with joy when I looked at the cover advertized in gaming mags…..

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Wizards, warriors, slags and dragons. I was sold. But there was a snag……I couldn't find the fucking thing anywhere. I looked high & low, I looked in between, but no fucker ever seemed to stock it. So alas, as time passed and the likes of Buck Rogers: Countdown to Doomsday & Baldur's Gate were played, this faded into the depths of memory. And now here we are today to see if I'd actually missed anything…….

For all that promise of swords & sorcery, Cadash is actually quite lacking and, in truth, pretty shit. It attempts to add RPG elements to the action, but nothing really takes you out the realms of hack & slash. It feels like an RPG that was converted into a hack & slash game to appease the masses. Talking to NPCs at the start? Pointless. Anything happen when you level up? Nope. A choice of weapons or spells to use? Nope. Some games can get by that if they''re fun to play, but unfortunately the hack & slash itself is pretty shit too. The levels, combat & enemies are all pretty poorly designed, and the end of level bosses are cheap as fuck too.

It's not a painfully unplayable game at all, nor one I'd hate on, it's just a bit crap really.

2/5
 
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