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Default Anyone else ever go through or going through…..

November 21st, 2017, 02:43
I haven't posted here in sometime.

Not much in a gaming mood eventhough I have a brand new machine.

So I have been a step father to a child since he was 2, lived here full time. Hockey, baseball, great marks and a little over a year ago at 15 things changed. Hate, drugs, and moved in with his dead beat father. I am not just saying that he really is.

So today he is in jail, his friends attacked his father, he attacked the police and found a crack pipe on him.

My wife and are beside ourselves. He has stole our car, attacked me, attacked her…but now he is on the streets.

He comes from such a loving good home we just don't know what to do.
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November 21st, 2017, 04:07
Your stepson is an addict, right?

Basically, you can't do anything. You're not 15 anymore and you don't do drugs. He needs someone like him or a dealer, that ain't you. The best option would be an ex addict, but how many of them are your or his friends?
Him ending up in jail is good, at least he'll get clean from addiction. Hopefully. If his jail "visit" is not a day or two long.

Forget loving home thing. Life is not a Hollywood movie, man. People socialize, sometimes end up in bad company, sometimes didn't say no when they should and sometimes the crush is so strong they don't control what they do, guess at what age.

I ought to say do nothing as whatever you do it'll be your fault, but won't.
Visit him in jail at least once, even if it's just to get hurt by his words. Let him know when he's clean of drugs, he can come home. No, not when he's out of jail, no. Only when he drops whatever heavy stuff he's using.

But before anything forget the stolen car thing. Yea forgetting that seems impossible. A car is a thing, not a person.

Other than that, you can also forget about him being your stepson, leave him to his misery and hope for the best. There is nothing wrong with that, I wouldn't judge you as I've seen what an addict can do to a family.

Sorry for being blunt, no other way.
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Last edited by joxer; November 21st, 2017 at 04:32.
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November 21st, 2017, 04:29
Oh dear this reads like my brother 30 years ago. You have my deepest sympathies. Crack wasn't the drug of choice his was pot which is clearly much less addictive. Stole from every neighbor, hocked my mothers engagement ring, stole my dads truck and crashed it and many other things.

He was adopted and mother was likely a drug addict and probably abused him before giving him up. Not sure if that was ever a reason for his behavior or not as my sister was in the same situation and while she was not perfect either she did turn around and owns her own small business and is reasonably successful.

Not to rehash our story too much because it does not end with him becoming a productive member of society which you may not want to hear. My dad sounds much like you and really a good man and would do anything for us and he gave many second chances when needed. Those did not ultimately help him as the damage was done.

My dad swears that the biggest mistake he made was sending my brother to a juvenile drug recovery center as what he actually learned was how to hide his behavior and got new connections in that world. Once he eventually made it jail/prison that only multiplied many times over.

Different people will be reached differently and I hope you can reach him before this current behavior becomes common and he acclimates to it. His friends and social circle drive everything and anything you can do to disrupt that is probably time well spent when you get him back.

If I had real answers for you I would gladly share them. I hope your story ends better than ours and you can reach him before there are real consequences.
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November 21st, 2017, 04:46
My wife is saying she feels helpless. Where I am saying you can't feel that way if someone doesn't want help.

I know a girl that went to rehab for drinking and ended up meeting a Herion addictted and dying a year later on the streets.

I personally don't thing there is any right answer and all of them are wrong.
I can change almost anything… but I can't change human nature.
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November 21st, 2017, 04:47
Don't feel sorry for being blunt Joxer. Blunt is the only way to be in life and one of the reasons I respect you so much.
I can change almost anything… but I can't change human nature.
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November 21st, 2017, 10:46
Very sorry to hear you're going through this.

I lost my sister to drugs - after years of witnessing my parents disintegrate in a useless and constant effort to help her. I could write pages of the misery she brought upon her loved ones through the years, but I still loved her and forgave her without a second thought.

I have two things to say:

1. Don't think of people on drugs as normal. Whatever they do - it's not them, it's the drugs. Don't get lost in judgement or trying to make sense of "how could he do this". His entire existence orbits drugs right now - and his body and mind can't really process anything else as long as he feels this need.

2. Don't think you can do anything - because you can't. The only thing you can do is sever the connection ENTIRELY - but make it clear that if he DOES get clean, you're there for him.

That would be my recommendation.




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November 21st, 2017, 14:06
I have no recommendations but wanted to say you should do your best.

I wish you and your family well.

Just have not had this myself although I know people who have…

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November 21st, 2017, 14:25
I'd be very concerned about severing all ties with a16 year old boy. Are we certain that the problem is caused by drug addiction, or could it be that other problems are driving this, and drugs are just one factor?

I can tell you that I went severely off the rails at almost exactly the same age. Kicked out of school, arrests, fights, drugs - you name it. In my case, there was no addiction, and drugs were just a part of the reckless abandon, and a feature of the worst crowds, which I wanted to join.

These things can be complicated, and in my case, I'd say my family's refusal to give up on me was crucial.
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November 21st, 2017, 14:42
Nar-anon or Al-anon may help you and wife survive and give support and strength for encouraging steps your stepson needs to take for himself. Apparently compatibility and sufficiency of support depends greatly on personality of the particular nar-anon or al-anon group; there are probably multiple choices in any given area.

Deepest sympathies and best wishes for you and family finding support, hope, and progress.





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November 21st, 2017, 14:55
Not an easy thing and I usually avoid commenting on intense things like this. But since I can share some experience figured I would. I went through a stage like that (not as bad though - wasn't getting into fights or getting arrested although I did things that could have gotten me arrested if I had been caught).

My parents took a middle road - somewhat letting me work through things myself but being there for me if needed as long as I didn't abuse that help. My issue wasn't drugs (well not directly - they just reflected a deeper problem) but working through severe depression and my sexual identity - where the drugs were just a means to cope/hide. I worked through it in the end and I came out the other side - with a good job, education, healthy, etc. But I told my parents I couldn't have done it without their support through some tough times. But important to note most of that help came when I was turning myself around.

Then for a less happy ending their is my older brother who dropped out of high school (he had dyslexia and was a slow learner) and became a heavy drinker. My parents helped him best as they could but he ended up in jail a couple of times (mostly from DWI multiple times and some aggressive behavior). Went to rehab a few times, once for half a year, and it never did much. In the end he died at the age of 40 from alcohol poisoning. My dad found him dead on the garage floor of his home.

My younger brother also shot himself in the head when he was 13 but there wasn't a whole lot anyone could do as he was so young and no one knew what he might have been suffering through … and now we will never know. Again an example that the person needs to seek help to get help. But I think its important to let them know help will be there if they are sincere in wanting help. The hard thing is knowing if they are really being sincere or just using you.

Sometimes you can help and sometimes you can't but in all cases I think the person themselves need to work through things and want help or it isn't going to do much.

Lastly I will say the parents and home life doesn't always predict things. My parents are great and come from loving homes and good upbringing. No real family history of problems (beyond a little drinking on my Mom's side as her father drank). Used to call our family the Brady Bunch family it seemed so normal. But things happen.

I think Joxer's post was pretty good as well. Blunt but these things can't be sugar-coated IMO.

Good luck with things and based on what my parents have gone through I know it causes a lot of pain and confusion.
Character is centrality, the impossibility of being displaced or overset. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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November 21st, 2017, 15:08
You never abandon your child.

What we're talking about is setting a clear boundary to save the familiy a ton of misery - as well as saving the child a ton of poor decisions that he will only end up feeling more shame for (which will fuel his self-destruction most likely). You enforce the choice between harm and the road towards improvement.

Supporting a drug addicted violent criminal is absolutely the worst thing you can do, until such time as he/she is clearly willing to change.

The earlier you provide that choice, the more likely it is to make a difference. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to turn around - because there will be ever more to forgive, forget and deal with shame for.

Setting that boundary is the opposite of abandonment, no matter what it will feel like - or what the child will inevitably interpret it as. It will take time regardless, and there are no guarentees.

My mother couldn't do that, however - until the very end. My sister did end up getting clean for a little while after having that boundary established, but - unfortunately - her addiction was beyond her control and it ended up killing her a few years later.

However, I would never tell people what to do. This is just based on my own experience with drug addicts and people who're lost to self-destruction - which is unfortunately not insignificant.




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November 21st, 2017, 15:48
I was a Forensic Counselor in a jail for 20 years. Most the inmates I worked with had drug addictions. He may not get sober in jail because drugs flow freely in many jails and prisons.

My best advice would be to cut off financial ties but not emotional ties. Make it clear to him that when he wants help for his addiction you will be there for him with support but not money. It could take years for him to want help because he is so young. That could cost you a lot of money and heart ache.

Jail will do one of two things for him. Scare him straight or have him run with a worse crowd. Do not bail him out. Visit him and let him vent his anger but make it clear that if he wants to come home he needs to get help.

Look into support groups in your community for you and your wife. Almost every family goes thru this. My cousins cost my Aunt and Uncle millions of dollars because they could not cut ties and coddled them into their 50's until one died and the other is in prison.

My cousins were in the jail I worked at and they would get pissed at me because I treated them like every other inmate. They wanted me to buy them commissary and put money on their books. I basically told them to F off in a professional way. It is always someone else's fault in the mind of an addict.
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November 28th, 2017, 07:18
First thank you all for sharing.
Second we would never abandon him or anyone we love.

As I logged tonight he did call us and asked if we all could have dinner together this week.
My wife and I have talked that we want to in a public place instead of our home and see if everything else we talked about with him tonight is on the up and up.

He is seeing someone about what he has been up to the last year and a half. We are happy but also protective of our feelings. We just don't know but hoping for the best but know nothing might have changed.
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