My real problem of shadenfraude, a cry for help

Also bear in mind that Christmas is notorious for bringing emotional and psychological problems to the fore. It's also not unusual to have a sudden feeling of a terrible ephiphany, a horrible clarity, especially when emotional stress is high.

If you have the ability to really look into your problems in an honest way, that's a very good start. Be cautious of indulging in self-loathing, though - that's more likely part of the problem, not progress. Just make sure to engage with your doctor as soon as you can.

Professional help is probably the best advice

My, probably not very helpful, advice is when you start self loathing and feeling depresses, acknowledge it and stop thinking about it, steer your mind in other direction. As you are aware it's harder than it sounds, it's acquired skill that takes practice (even with years of practice I still catch myself obsessing and dwelling on stuff I shouldn't). Other thing is that you start doing things that will make you like yourself, learn a new skill, fix everything in house that needs fixing etc... Also important is that you talk to people you care about your problem, both supportive kind and harsh critics. Generally be among the people (helps lot with self esteem).

Those are things that helped me with my issues although there are still bad days when everything falls apart.

Damian said:

So i looked it up and it happens to people with low self esteem and and mental issues.

Click to expand...

Don't believe everything you read.

Sorry to hear you're already in a program of therapy, without knowing all of the backstory in full detail, something which would make for interesting reading but possibly not something that'd benefit you from exposing, I seriously doubt anyone can fully understand your situation to an extent where words may help.

In general terms, aside from long-term conditions, pretty much everyone has, at one time or another, "wished their parents misery", for some inane or valid reason. Trying to internalise why or the exact length of time this feeling should remain is quite a fruitless proposition and doesn't suggest any kind of mental state one way or the other.

If you 'looked up' something every time you had an 'odd' thought or feeling you'd diagnose yourself as all kinds of unrelated nonsense. From what I can gather from your other posts on the site, you come from a very hardcore Christian family, so... can I assume honouring your parents is a big deal in your world? Hence the guilt overreaction in this particular scenario? If so, you might find your local pastor more useful than a shrink.

I'm afraid I could be misunderstood each time I post this, but I'll shoot (again).

A friend. Not a doctor, not a hobby, not an entertainment or something. Get a friend as soon as possible.

No it will not be a perfect person as noone is perfect. You realized you're not perfect either, all you need to do now is to accept it. A friend will accept it too. Just as you'll accept their traits that are not perfect.

Most important - I'm talking about real person you can touch. You may touch and you're allowed to touch. High 5 when happy, hug when sad, etc. I'm not talking about facebook fakes.

Don't look at yourself "as some kind of a monster now". A monster kills people out of a pure pleasure trying to excuse it by some religion whatnot quote, sad life story or bad luck at, dunno, job finding.

I've decided I will try and live my life as best a person as I can be despite all of this. Even though things like this will continue to happen, I will try my best to at least not affect the world around me by not smiling etc in those situations. I will continue to be kind to those around me, perhaps try to be sensitive to those i argue with on this forum as well which i havent been doing and put a bit more thought in what i post.

I don't know that I have much to offer you in the way of comfort. But I wanted to say that reading this thread last night sent me searching my shelves for book that stood with me in a similar dark time years ago -- Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace.

I found it and went thumbing through for the quotes I'd underlined, but in they end I wasn't sure they'd speak to you as they did me.

As for feeling like a bad person, well, like another book said, "There is none righteous -- No, not one." That's not a reason not to hope. It's just a reason not to place your hope in yourself.

All it takes is to accept Jesus in one's heart. Jesus saves because he is the saviour.