Return of the Daily Smile

"I'm positive," indeed! Don't forget this (vaguely)science-related one:
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb must want to change.

And then there's this:


** Californians **

So as not to be outdone by all the Redneck, Hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this.

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your Governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.

If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

OKie. Only the last one is true.

Ok check out the song a family member sent me. Middle aged Women. Listen to the words.

CM--you're destroying the frickin glamor,here
All I can say is after the anguish of losing them, you won't miss your hormones at all once they're gone...now, your cogntive powers......that could be a problem

Fear not for me margerette, I have lost them both a long time ago. I may as well say it fast before someone who's name I shall not mention does it for me. :lol: One good thing about memory loss is you can enjoy the same things over and over in life, and feel like it was the first time each time.

Agreed. btw thanks for that duct tape tip.
Edit: Right after this, I found this joke in my e-mail, so while we're extolling middle aged old bats:

Attributed to 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
"As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.

They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! "

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good ones!

In keeping with the age of things theme:

Slip of the Tongue:

It's the summer of 1957 and Richard goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Richard's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Richard what they're planning to do.

Richard replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Richard and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Richard's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Richard escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Richard.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:


"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

And yes most of these have been replays from the NFG halls.

I really enjoyed the pig!! Makin' Bacon!! lol

OW My god I almost fell over from the twist - screw hilarious

I just had to send magerette's joke to my former colleague(not Kristien for those of the NFG) with a note that she will like it in about 14ys.

One for the ladies (I felt like I had to do something)

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind.
a: 2.No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

A very good collection!! I've seen some before, but it's amazing how accurate they all are. I'm sure even CM will have to agree!!

And a couple of other ones that made me laugh:

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back?
Because she got an ''F'' in Sex.

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Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Ok, here are two oldies from the NFG. If I recall Bart posted these as well. :lol:

Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

Blonde and Dictionary

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

Blonde Driving

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

Cute ones

OK ... non-blondes now.

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Yay though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death (while I circle the block.....) Good one!!

Not sure who posted this one. But I still like it.

Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too @%$#@#$ stupid to own a computer."

That's a true story and the 'help' guy got sacked!!

Bartacus--those are the funniest offensive jokes I've ever read!Keep up the good work and here's one which in your chivalry you left out:

Q:Why did God give women two sets of lips?
A: So they could piss and moan at the same time.

(for non-american english speakers, to "piss & moan" is a redneck colloquialism for major whining and does not specifically refer to bodily function )


And a seasonal blonde joke:

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up. She jumps out of her car,
runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Ann and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blond says cheerily, "Hi, my name is Ann, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Ann, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blond. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says:

(scroll down)




"Hi, my name is Dale; it's winter in Minnesota , and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."