Return of the Daily Smile
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pibbur who
Guest
I noticed the 2 year interval, and I guess it is ... interesting. But I thought there was more to it, something having to do with the persons involved. But googling for them reveraled nothing (or rather a lot, but TL;DR).
pibbur who still looks at females but no longer remembers why.
pibbur who still looks at females but no longer remembers why.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
� Venison for dinner again? Oh deer
� A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
� I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
� Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
� England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
� I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
� They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
� I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
� Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
� I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
� I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
� This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
� When chemists die, they barium.
� I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
� I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
� Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
� I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
� Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
� When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
� Broken pencils are pointless.
� What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
� I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
� All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
� I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
� Velcro - what a rip off!
� Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
� Venison for dinner again? Oh deer
� A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
� I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
� Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
� England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
� I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
� They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
� I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
� Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
� I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
� I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
� This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
� When chemists die, they barium.
� I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
� I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
� Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
� I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
� Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
� When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
� Broken pencils are pointless.
� What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
� I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
� All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
� I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
� Velcro - what a rip off!
� Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
Why English is tough.
Heteronyms...
Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.
You think English is easy?
I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end...
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes..
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible..
PS. - Why doesn't Buick'; rhyme with quick'?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'.
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special..
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!
Heteronyms...
Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.
You think English is easy?
I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end...
This took a lot of work to put together!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes..
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible..
PS. - Why doesn't Buick'; rhyme with quick'?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'.
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special..
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!
P
pibbur who
Guest
Some Heisenberg jokes:
Heisenberg and Schroedinger is driving in a car:
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?""No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?""We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
At home with the Heisenbergs
Wife: Now, don't roll your eyes at me Werner, just ask me.
Heisenberg: Oh, Elisabeth, again? Allright - how fast were your keys going?
Wife: Thanks. Here they are.
pibbur who is unsure of both his speed and position
Heisenberg and Schroedinger is driving in a car:
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?""No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?""We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
At home with the Heisenbergs
Wife: Now, don't roll your eyes at me Werner, just ask me.
Heisenberg: Oh, Elisabeth, again? Allright - how fast were your keys going?
Wife: Thanks. Here they are.
pibbur who is unsure of both his speed and position
P
pibbur who
Guest
More Quantum Mechanics jokes, this time related to Erwin Schrödinger:
This one:
This one:
Hey, it's been 75 years. The cat is dead, and the smell is unbearable. [From somewhere on the internet]
pibbur who has a cat who very wisely refuses to enter a box.
This one:
This one:
Hey, it's been 75 years. The cat is dead, and the smell is unbearable. [From somewhere on the internet]
pibbur who has a cat who very wisely refuses to enter a box.
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- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
This would be funny, if it weren't so REAL!!
Makes it funnier
Life has a way of being stranger than fiction...
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
P
pibbur who
Guest
Apparently from down under (not sure if it's real):
pibbur who doesn't show people fingers (except occasionally when he's not being seen)
pibbur who doesn't show people fingers (except occasionally when he's not being seen)
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Is that Corwin????
E
Eye
Guest
I have had a cat once, so I know they can act quite weird.
Here are some photos people shared of their cats acting weird. Some extremely funny.
Take #19 'The reason why I can't have nice things':
Or #38: 'The question is not what he is doing there but what this piece of ham is doing on him':
Or #47: 'Why can't he just drink out of the bowl like a normal cat?':
Want more:
http://www.boredpanda.com/hey-pandas-share-pics-of-your-cat-acting-weird/
Here are some photos people shared of their cats acting weird. Some extremely funny.
Take #19 'The reason why I can't have nice things':
Or #38: 'The question is not what he is doing there but what this piece of ham is doing on him':
Or #47: 'Why can't he just drink out of the bowl like a normal cat?':
Want more:
http://www.boredpanda.com/hey-pandas-share-pics-of-your-cat-acting-weird/