The chaos of my mind

Hi Watchers, today is not a good day.

In fact, there has not been many good days lately. My head feels like a vortex of pins and needles. One bad emotion after another piercing my mind constantly. Present issues are being amplified by past issues ending up in a seemingly endless circle I can't find a way out of. It's just all chaos.

There are so many dark, empty memories in my life. So many memories I cannot remember anymore, both good and bad ones.
My childhood was filled with endless mental bullying, my youth was ruined by the fact that I did not realize just how broken it had made me and my adulthood is torn by trying to piece myself together while new issues try to find their way in this seemingly cozy home for them. I want to try working myself back so much, but it's so difficult. Things people take for granted in their everyday life is a real struggle and it's so frustrating. This is why I wanted to help out the watch team, to feel accomplishment helping out with games articles. But I find myself unable to do anything, I can't play a game without losing attention. I can't read a book without losing attention. I can't do daily chores without running off to try do something to keep my mind busy on something that can make me forget everything.

Sure, there is help out there and I do see my psychologist once a week and the government keeps a roof over my head and food in my belly for as long as I'm unable to work but I still feel so alone with it all. I've spent so much time in the darkness alone that I've lost contact with all my close friends and I find it hard to get in touch with them. I find that I blame myself cuz I never try to get in touch with them so why should they? Heck it's been years since I've had a proper talk with what used to be my closest friends. But still it's difficult, not having anyone that can see when I'm having a bad day to give me a hug or a shoulder to cry on.
It's not that I don't know that people care, I know they do. It's just that there is nobody here to show it.

Maybe that's why I'm posting this, in a wide open forum for everybody to read. Maybe I just need some attention. Maybe that will help mend it all for a while.

Sad to hear about your pain. I think you show great courage posting like this here. You're not alone, several of us suffer from similar difficulties.

pibbur who is one of those.

Don't think so much about negative things of the past. Enjoy the current day and do something you like. Meet people who share your hobbies.

Do you live close enough to anyone at the Watch, that you could meet up with? I'm not even sure what country you're from, but there are a lot of good people here. Maybe just talking to an unbiased party could help.

Very sorry to hear if your struggles. I echo pibbur in that it takes great courage to tell people. If there is anything we might do, other than interact here, please ask.

Hmmm...

Are you in your 30s, single, no kids, low paid/no employment?

If so, seems like a normal mindset for those conditions. You can cycle between wondering whether you are the chicken or the egg to the circumstances but you'll never nail it, just forever cycle the thought. Like adolescent paranoia, the only cure is time itself, another phase waiting to be looked back upon with facepalmed lost opportunities.

Everyone's childhood is filled with endless mental bullying. You could describe childhood as one constant headfuck if you really wanted to. Unless you're personal experience was something particularly extreme, such as being locked in a room and prodded with a big stick every day, it's going to be difficult to know exactly where on the injustice scale your personal experience falls.

It's unclear what things what people take for granted. Are you entirely sure you're not taking it for granted that other people take some things for granted?

It's awesome that you want to help out the RPGWatch team, but it appears your reasons for wanting this are not based on things that relate to your personal skill-set nor experience, which is not going to help with any of your predispositions to cycle thought/doubt and, most likely, will make this condition worse.

Loss of friends is another of life's ageing problems, it's referred to as Ever Decreasing Circles and is the result of many, many factors, most of which are beyond anyone's control and is the reason why the phrase Blood Is Thicker Than Water exists. This is also why people without families are often the more normal charity cases (Orphans, refugees, elderly etc) and why religion tends to survive all forms of rational discourse.

That wasn't a bad bleat into the ether, but it was nowhere near the polished perfection of Aubrielle's experienced lament. There are no dead animals in your story, for a start. How are you supposed to bend people to your plight without some dead animals to really get the hooks in?

It seems you're just lonely person #15,743,591. There's a lot of it about and no-one's really ever found a cure that doesn't involve meeting other people or just developing a So What, And...? type personality. You could get a dog I suppose, that would also give you much more to write about in 7-15 years time.

Not bad, could do better, 5/10.

Today is not a good day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Try to live day by day. Try to focus on just one day.
Try to make it through this day - every day, just today.

Accept you losing attention when gaming, when reading, don't fret over it, it's okay, it's fine, don't force yourself, just pick it up at a later moment.

Do some little things that may change your mood. Listen to music that empowers you. Go for a good walk/run. Enjoy the sun (or rain) in your face, focus on the wind in your hair, do you hear the sounds of birds? The different sounds of the city?
Try to see your neighborhood like you're seeing it for the first time, focus on the details you've always skipped, see the objects with the eyes of someone who's seeing it for the first time: watch! Watch the lines, the curls, the contrasts, the shadows. Hard or soft? The colours. Warm or cold?

Focus on you standing, do you feel your weight on the ground? When sitting, can you feel weighing down on the chair/sofa, where, what part of your body is resting on it? Do you feel any muscles? Which ones?
Are they strained or relaxed?

Give yourself a foot massage. And massage your fingers, the palm of your hand. Discover your body with the tips of your fingers - your eyes closed - feel your neck, arms, legs, the inner sides of your knees, of your arms, touch the hips, your belly, your breasts, follow the lines of your face, do you sense the softness of your cheeks, the firmness of the tip of your nose? What spots are sensitive, to you?

Treat yourself on a breakfast out of the ordinary, treat yourself on a special, nutritious dinner. Do not just chew and swallow - taste it! Taste it as if you have never tasted it before. How would you describe it? Sweet, sour, spicy? What spices? Do you feel the structure? Hard or soft? Do you feel the muscles of your jaw? Do you feel the movement of your tongue?

Be more aware of the things you're actually doing, experiencing, feeling… There is much sense in sensations! Eyes, ears, skin, tongue… Get out of your head, get into your body.

To make it to another day. A better day.

Lackblogger, for the love of God, just shut up.

Sorry ripper, but these "my life sucks" threads are getting a bit repetitive aren't they...?

And I think my post contains an awful lot of very pertinent, informative and useful points, I put a lot of thought into it with the aim of being helpful. Just because a response doesn't come back in some generic formulation of "Oh, I'm so sorry for your situation", which I would personally consider patronising drivel, it seems to get the immediate gut-reaction of the ripper ban-hammer. You might think you're being a white knight ripper, but you're not 'helping'.

lackblogger said:

It seems you're just lonely person #15,743,591. There's a lot of it about and no-one's really ever found a cure that doesn't involve meeting other people or just developing a So What, And…? type personality. You could get a dog I suppose, that would also give you much more to write about in 7-15 years time.

Click to expand...

Having a dog unless you are allergic or dont like them to them is like universally a good step for mental health issues. Having to walk it and care for it makes you feel good and is healthy for everyone.





Nyx are you on any meds? You might not be on the right one, some meds can make you lethargic mentally.

Ah, sorry to hear that. I think sports would be your healthiest option...choose activity you're most comfortable with, great for your health and it's easiest way to form friendships, which always comes harder at later age.
Plus, I second what Damian said...my family ( dumb redneck side, in particular ) always had dogs and other animals, and we've never had any issues largely thanks to this. Even when my own dog died, I could not go through depression, since I had to take care of her cubs.
Hope you get better.

One of the interesting shows I just watched was the a BBC show called "The Doctor that gave up drugs" http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07w52tp

One of the things for mental health was cold(ice cold) water swimming.

Just a few engineering types in here looking to fix the problem. To steal an old religious truism: better to bring a good casserole than bad psychology.

Unfortunately, I can't cook for squat but I can certainly read. Post away!

Zloth said:

Just a few engineering types in here looking to fix the problem. To steal an old religious truism: better to bring a good casserole than bad psychology.

Unfortunately, I can't cook for squat but I can certainly read. Post away!

Click to expand...

But isnt good psychology better than a good cassserole? So it goes like this:
Good psychology > good casserole > bad casserole >bad psychology.

Anyway i think for me it is better for someone to genuinely try and help me rather than give me a temporary high.

I mean would you just give a sick kid nothing but sweets?

Yeah depression kind of sucks balls. Hang in there, things change eventually. Steer clear of medications/drugs/alcohol if you can.

I don't know if it will help you or not Nyx but just pick up the phone and call your friends or family. Don't be embarrassed if you have not called them for while and just have open honest talk with them. I have been feeling very down for the past month or two and it was getting worse and worse. I am not sure why but speaking to some old friends at least gave me small boost here and there. I hope it helps you as well.

Everyone has his/her own methods to struggle with worries and troubles.
I have my own too. I'll share it with you people. Perhaps it'll help you in some cases.
When you expect a very bad day or a week in your near future and you can't stop yourself thinking about it (like preparing to undergo surgery or do something that you really hate to do or go somewhere where you do not want to go) try this: think about what will you do the day or two after your troubles are all over. Just imagine how you will be sitting quietly in your home chair in the evening, looking at the monitor, waiting for a supper, how will you dress you up going out, nothing special, an ordinary day in your life, but with troubles behind you. Just imagine this picture and think about it for a while.

Well, I guess this post is a mix of philosophy and a suggested solution for you Nyx, so bear with me if it doesn't make sense at first.

It is quite strange in this day and age, it has never been so easy to connect to people in the entire world, yet we have more lonely people.

We have never had so much entertainment on our hand yet we have more depressed people.

Now having been mentally bullied is very hard to recover from, and society was unable to help you at the time to stop the bullying. Don't let it take away all the beauties life has to offer from you. Don't let the people who mentally abused you win. Just like a lot of other people that have been in your situation, you can rise strong and get a good life, don't let the past stop you from that. First step is to treat the past as the past, instead focus on how you can build a good future. I have never met a human being who does not enjoy anything, and is not good at anything, even if they might think so.

Find something you enjoy doing, imagine what kind of life you want in the future, and set small goals to reach that, complete them one by one, and you will get there.

In case you need some support and coaching, either in the thread or by PM, feel free to reply to me or PM me.

I might be overly optimistic, but it is very seldom I am wrong and/or unable to help.

Well you e got plenty of friends here with like minds willing to listen and be here for you. And to the other less productive posters on here you can just put on ignore.

I've found for myself and others, one of the best cures for what your going through is to get the endorphins flowing through your body and getting sun (it's always been one of the best forms of anti depressants and brain boosters). Some form of exercise and increase of heart rate helps to a surprisingly large degree. It's even better if you can use it to work towards a goal (hike to the top of a mountain, finish a half marathon, etc) as it will really boost your confidence. The biggest obstacle of that is getting out and committing to something like that though. After a short time stuck in a new routine though it gets easier. Also, volunteer work and helping others seems to help too sometimes. Sometimes losing yourself and helping others can work too by doing volunteer work. Strangely, helping others sometimes makes your own suffering easier to bear.

I hope you find what you need. In the meantime, as others mentioned keep company with people somehow. Even if it's here or in game on an MMO. It's always good to have other voices to keep you grounded. Hugs.