My real problem of shadenfraude, a cry for help

I never noticed it before but i just did now. I was in an argument with my family and they were all depressed and i got happy. This is unacceptable. I now see myself as some kind of a monster now.

So i looked it up and it happens to people with low self esteem and and mental issues. I my mental issues are treated fairly well but i do have low self esteem and I dont know if can still have the problem even if those things.

I am really scared that i would feel happiness when my father or mother dies. I want to get this treated before that ever happens. If I cant I am seriously considering attempting suicide again because I just cant stand myself and feel the world would be better off without me.

You could try lifeline, their number is 13 11 14. They might offer better quality help than a net forum.

Good luck.

Damian said:

I never noticed it before but i just did now. I was in an argument with my family and they were all depressed and i got happy. This is unacceptable. I now see myself as some kind of a monster now.

So i looked it up and it happens to people with low self esteem and and mental issues. I my mental issues are treated fairly well but i do have low self esteem and I dont know if can still have the problem even if those things.

I am really scared that i would feel happiness when my father or mother dies. I want to get this treated before that ever happens. If I cant I am seriously considering attempting suicide again because I just cant stand myself and feel the world would be better off without me.

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Admitting you've got a problem is the first step. So congrats on facing that hurdle. Next step would be to talk to people about how your feeling. Don't give up, it does get better.

Eh seriously, Damian, you should get help, but don't beat yourself over it. People have done way worse without guilt ( though in my case, mostly when drunk, so it doesn't really count ).
Probably more confidence issue and that is not something anyone is born with.

Before I posted here I tried to call my psychiatrist. He wasnt there today. So i posted here. I dunno if lifeline can help with the whole "you are a piece of shit, and most likely that is never going to change", they dont have psychiatrists or psychologists on the lien do they? Most people when they call those lines there is hope for them that things might get better for them in the future, not for me unfortunately.

I am going to try and call my psychiatrist tomorrow which is Friday or failing that Monday. I might privately try and talk to my pastor too.

This revelation has made this the worst day of my life.

I dont know how to tell my family this. How exactly do i tell my family that I am a piece of shit and nothing they can do or say will change that? My dad is also practically a quadraplegic now(very limited used of arms and can barely more his head). The more i think about this the more i convince myself that there is no solution.

I went and bought some McDonalds burgers as a treat to try and cheer me up but the effects seem to be waning off now. I really dont feel like doing anything now.

BoboTheMighty said:

Eh seriously, Damian, you should get help, but don't beat yourself over it. People have done way worse without guilt ( though in my case, mostly when drunk, so it doesn't really count ).
Probably more confidence issue and that is not something anyone is born with.

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You know i hope it is. Do you think i could talk to another psychiatrist? I dunno, he/she wouldnt have my history with them or know anything about me.

I think what hurt the most was the look back at your life and realizing you have always been that way.

I agree that this is probably not the best place for a genuine cry for help. I understand what it is you're trying to do, and I sympathize, but…places like these are bad because you don't know who's reading or who's going to respond, and it's always possible for someone to say something you really don't need to hear.

As posted above, talking to a licensed professional is really the best thing you can do, and there are crisis hotlines to call that will hold you over until you can get in to see one. There are people ready to help you (probably better trained than most of us here on the Watch, too!).

First enough!

This is life and it is time to start living it.

If you are aware that making others unhappy and you feel happy is wrong then you are smart enough to correct that.

If you know that eating shit food is like doing drugs and is only in the moment then you know enough not to do it.

Straight facts, life is happening now!!! your life!!! how do you want to live your life?

Depending on others to tell you or knowing?

Join the a gym, a group that plays a sport or game of some sort. Though a gym can do wonders.

Love yourself, love the ones that care for you, that doesn't mean bow to them, stand to what means something to you.

Always remember life is always happening and it is your life and try to love every second of it and love everyone that wants to be apart of it.

I thought about it before i posted and i thought if there is a chance that there is someone else that has gone through this or knows a solution it is worth the risk, ya know?

CelticFrost said:

First enough!

This is life and it is time to start living it.

If you are aware that making others unhappy and you feel happy is wrong then you are smart enough to correct that.

If you know that eating shit food is like doing drugs and is only in the moment then you know enough not to do it.

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I dont know if it is that simple. I only bought shit food because i was I was really depressed and didnt know what else to do.

Straight facts, life is happening now!!! your life!!! how do you want to live your life?

Depending on others to tell you or knowing?

Join the a gym, a group that plays a sport or game of some sort. Though a gym can do wonders.

Love yourself, love the ones that care for you, that doesn't mean bow to them, stand to what means something to you.

Always remember life is always happening and it is your life and try to love every second of it and love everyone that wants to be apart of it.

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I want to live my life as a caring and loving person but now i am questioning if I can really do that. Is caring and loving people start with emotions or can you skip to the actions? I am starting to doubt my motives too.

Damian said:

I dont know if it is that simple. I only bought shit food because i was I was really depressed and didnt know what else to do..

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You don't need to know what else to do, do you?

Back up, lets by stop using "THEIR WORDS". you didn't like how you felt about feeling happy about being in a fight with your family. I made you feel happy and then that made you feel bad because you know feeling happiness when someone you love is upset at something you did or say is wrong. That isn't depression it is knowing the difference from right and wrong.

Though if you feel this way again and you have joined a gym, you could go workout. Not only are you not causing harm to your body with crap food you are doing some good.

I want to live my life as a caring and loving person but now i am questioning if I can really do that. Is caring and loving people start with emotions or can you skip to the actions? I am starting to doubt my motives too.

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Well if you weren't a caring person, would you have been so upset to first go eat shit and second come here?

Perhaps you are right. I just called my psychiatrist at another place he works. I hope he can clear my head for me. Thanks everyone who tried to help me.

I honestly doubt I can say anything useful knowing so little, but… Why are you a piece of shit, just because you noticed you feel happy when others hurt? That doesn't mean you're a bad person, it means there is a reason why you're angry or resentful of life\people. You can try looking into this, but I'll repeat what others said: you need qualified help. Especially if you think of suicide, that's a sure sign. You may be depressed now and simply unable to see life from another point of view or see anything good in your future. Seek help as soon as possible!

That said, no, caring people don't necessarily start with these emotions. We all have baggage. I think if you figure yourself out more (with qualified help), you'll see what makes you react in ways that you do. And that, in turn, will open new opportunities.

One of the most valuable things I got from therapy is that it's wrong to think of your emotions as 'bad' or 'good', 'right' or 'wrong'. They're all natural, they all follow from natural causes. Which means that you're not exactly responsible for them in as direct a way as we usually imagine. Some emotions are hard to change, but the first step is always exploration. You can't just suppress some of your emotions or force yourself to feel what you don't feel.

Also, when you hurt, it's really hard to care for someone else. To care you need to have space in your heart and to feel good yourself. When you're in a dark place you will not want to give something to others, all your resources are already used up, you have nothing to give, and even the thought of sharing something nice may be unpleasant.

Damian said:

Perhaps you are right. I just called my psychiatrist at another place he works. I hope he can clear my head for me. Thanks everyone who tried to help me.

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I can call you right now if you need someone to talk to

Thanks Celtic, you have been a good friend at this time. But I think i need to talk to someone that knows my history with my mental issues and what not and can explain why i am responding in such a way when my family is hurting.

There is no need to thank me, I would always hope there would be someone there for me in my time of need.

I personally use music to help with what I feel. Mostly harder bands that have something real to say about feelings. It is nice to draw from powerful music with soft understanding lyrics.

It is also always nice to know others have feelings about life, the world everything like you do and are willing to share them.

Well, good luck. My only advice would be to recognize that, despite what you've probably been told, you are close to being a normal person. Don't worry too much about it. It's possible that you simply had a feeling of a rush from the excitement of the argument and identified it as happiness. Also, let's point out the obvious, that happiness was fleeting and you were remorseful. So perhaps the amount of remorse you felt outweighed the happiness (which is the thing normal people feel).

Damian said:

I never noticed it before but i just did now. I was in an argument with my family and they were all depressed and i got happy. This is unacceptable. I now see myself as some kind of a monster now.

So i looked it up and it happens to people with low self esteem and and mental issues. I my mental issues are treated fairly well but i do have low self esteem and I dont know if can still have the problem even if those things.

I am really scared that i would feel happiness when my father or mother dies. I want to get this treated before that ever happens. If I cant I am seriously considering attempting suicide again because I just cant stand myself and feel the world would be better off without me.

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It's not uncommon at all for people in an argument with someone else to feel good about making them feel bad.

The fact that after cooling down you now feel bad about making them feel bad is also very normal.

I have no idea about your history or your past mental health but I do know that saying hurtful things when your angry and feeling bad and regretting it later is something that everyone has experienced at one time or another and definitely doesn't make you a monster or a piece of s***.

You really should cut yourself some slack. You say you have low self esteem which probably means your looking at yourself in the worst light and are a better person than you realize.

Anytime someone brings up suicide it's a very serious matter and I beg you to continue to seek help from a professional, hotline, pastor or trusted friend, don't seclude yourself. Taking your life is never a solution and things always seem worse in the moment then that actually are.