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March 11th, 2019, 21:18
Since I even thought about getting on here. My friends some of you know me most probably don't, but once upon a time I was here a lot.

Let me tell you something I've learned since I've been gone. I've learned that life is cruel, but hiding my head in the sand does nothing other than cause more problems.

For those interested in what happens when your life gets chewed up and spit back out to clean up the pieces to find something of my soul in there again.

It all started when my mother passed away the day before I was to fly back from Taiwan to see her in the hospital. Long story short I took over her motel, lost it because I'm a teacher not a businessman, was diagnosed with MS when I couldn't figure out why my balance was messed up, attempted suicide by grabbing a butcher knife and shoving it in my gut, survived only because the pointed end was flat had no idea they made knives like that, my brother disowned me because I'm too weird for him, was sent to the illumination foundation to help me get on my feet, could only do so much for me because they deal with short problems like needing a place to heal (there is no healing from MS), officially was homeless now but at least had a car I rented weekly, kept off the streets with my car, money ran out was officially homeless and on the streets, slowly managed to get help through SOS (THE BEST resource for the homeless), got on disability, but still not enough to get off the streets and now this brings us to this moment right now.

You would think I would be miserable or screaming,"Why me GOd? What the fuck did I do to deserve having my world torn to pieces?"

Here is the surprising thing that shocks even me to this day. I'm not unhappy at all. I have survived the worst and I'm still alive. Not just that I KNOW why God saved me that day when I wanted to end my life. God saved me for one simple to FIGHT for thosre that have no voice. To SHAKE up the status quo and remind American's that we are better than the petty greed of those that want to rule the world.

I maybe crazy and I"m actually 90% sure I am, but my friends I have always sought God and I've found God at long last. The damn bastard was with me the entire time I just couldn't see. You don't have God save you from death and just htink oh that was just lucky. Hell no God saved me to help the lost, shunned, forgotten. He saved me to help the homeless since who better than someone who has and is homeless.

So now I'm begging my fight to bring some humanity back into the scared masses who have been brainwashed into believing that money is everything. Money means nothing. Look at me I barely have any anymore and I have never been happier in my life.

I was born to fight for us. The homeless and the homed because what I will be doing will affect both of us. I do not like ICE. I do not like what America has become. So I'm coming at them with something they won't expect. Instead of pounding my chest yelling and physical confrontations I'm taking a page from someone who knew that physical violence wasn't the way to what he wanted. I'm comning at them with love and understanding. I know how foo foo that sounds, but it's the only way to get people to see again. To see through the fear, the anger to see that the homeless used to be them before. I used to be you. The message most of all though I want to get through their thick skulls is the "they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

That is only part of the poem, but I think you get the point. Hate and fear has been used time and time again. I would have thought that humans would have been able to see through the BS, but I forget how powerful fear and hate is. The only thing more powerful yet not as easy to invoke is love.

If you've read this far thank you. I am under the delusion that one man or woman can change the world. Well I'm not trying to change the world just my little piece of it here in Southern California. I know Americans and how petty, greedy, uncaring we can be, but the amazing thing about us is we will root for the underdogs given half a chance. Up until this moment that's all we had to do. Now it's time to tap into that rebel in us and say, "We aren't going to stand by and do nothing."

I've met some amazing people while being homeless. From both sides of this battle. I can't tell you how many times I've been just handed either some food or money and all I was doing was sitting thinking about my life. It seems whenever it starts to become too much for me something happens to give me the strength to continue on For example about a month ago I had ALL my stuff thrown away by some jerk who didn't like the fact that I was homeless. This has happened 3 times now where all my stuff has either been thrown away, stolen or lost.

I was at the point of not being able to go on. I was actually thinking about just ending my misery because it's very difficult for me to be viewed as vermin (I know ironic since Skaven are my favorite race in Warrhammer), but people don't want to look at me let alone talk. I had had enough of being told to "move along"

I was outside putting what little I had left in a cart when this woman came up to me and started talking to me about how easy it is to become honeless now. At first she gave me twenty dollars, but after talking with me she asked if I could use anymore money and I could because to get a motel where I can take a shower and just feel human again costs around 80 dollars. So as she left she gave me a hundred dollar bill. Me just some homeless dude who has had life kick him in the teeth she cared about to give that to. She saved my life that day and it wasn't because of the money though I can't tell you how awesome feeling normal again is. No, she saved my life by just seeing me and seeing that i was human who has had life beat the crap out of me.

As she left I broke down and started crying like I haven't cried since my mother passed away. It meant so much to me that she saw me as human.

I've stayed away from here because I thought it would be too hard for me to come back since when I was here a lot my life was vastly different. You know what it isn't hard at all. It just reminds me how far I've come and I have only begun to truly live.

That is just a small piece of what I've been through. I am now writing like crazy to do three things. One to journal my life being homeless. Two an app to help newly homeless people to survive and three get the stories from the people I've met out here both homed and homeless.

There are certain people that shine out from the crowd. i call them Diamonds. We are constantly inundated with negative energy I am making it my mission to show people that the flip side of the negative bullshit is out there too. They aren't talked about often because they are by and large humble people who don't require any praise. They just do what they do.

Well I'm tired of the fucking negativity that the news, politicians and anyone else that's in power who wants us to believe that they are the only ones with the answers to our problems. Nonsense.. We are the answer to our problems and it isn't by scapegoating anyone, illegal aliens, homeless or any of the voiceless masses. They aren't they problem. They are just a convenient excuse to take from us.

In conclusion my friends no matter what race you are, what side of the isle you sit, what your religious belief you are. NONE of that really matters in the end. What matters is love. That will be our only savior in the times ahead. If I can find enough of those diamonds out there to make a difference in even just one life then I will die content that I did what I was supposed to do in this life. I will not just be another soul floating down the river of life without standing up in the stream and saying "NO, I WILL FIGHT" and fight I am doing in the way that someone like me can fight. Not with a gun or fists, but with words of comfort to those that solely need it. I am fighting for my reality. I will not live in a reality where they rip children from the parents. i will not live in a reality where fear and anger rule people. I will do what I have to do to get people to feel again.

Here is a new story I was in: https://www.ocregister.com/2018/11/1…working-on-it/

That is Mike, the director for SOS and an extremely good friend of mine. He is helping me to accomplish my crazy goal of bringing out the rebel in people. If Ghandi could accom[lish his goals through a different way than with violence then I can as well. Thank god my goal isn't as huge as his was because I wouldn't be able to starve myself like he did, but I can take the lessons learned by what he did to show me that there is another way to rebel without the need to resort to violence.

This is a video of me when United Way came to interview me. I was at the lowest point back thenP: .https://youtu.be/c2OvcJIXvME

Well that's it guys that's what I've been up to and how nuts I've become. I wish I could just go back to finding info on new RPGs, but unfortunately that person who I used to be is dead now. He was killed and then reborn into whatever I am now. At least that is the way I'm choosing to look at it..
--
Despite all my rage.
I'm still just a rat in a cage.
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March 11th, 2019, 21:45
I'm very sorry to hear how much you've been through. What you've discovered, though, I think is very profound, and it doesn't matter whether one sees it through a conventional religious lens, or not. Whatever one's religious or philosophical perspective, if it doesn't lead you to the knowledge that compassion is the highest good, you're barking up the wrong tree.

Ce n'est pas génie, ni gloire, ni amour qui reflète la grandeur de l'âme humaine; c'est bonté.

(It is not genius, nor glory, nor love that reflects the greatness of the human soul; it is kindness.)

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"Where can the horizon lie, when a nation hides its organic minds in a cellar, dark and grim? They must be very dim." David Bowie, All the Madmen (1970)
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March 11th, 2019, 22:07
@skavenhorde if it was possible I'd marry you.
The adventure you've been thrown in is not over yet.
You've mentioned a stranger, a women who helped you out of nowhere. These people do exist for a reason, it's no coincidence.

Stay strong man, there is so much more to discover.
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Last edited by joxer; March 11th, 2019 at 22:18.
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March 11th, 2019, 22:31
@skavenhorde - it's good to hear from you again, old friend!

Life was/is very hard for you and you have found something more important than RPGs.

But RPGWatch is not only about RPGs. Many of us know each other (online) for many years now. So check in now and then and lets hear the latest news from you.
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March 11th, 2019, 22:56
My, skavenhorde, Brian, you handsome guy, I remember you, though I am sure you don’t know who I am. Never mind.

The things that happened to you would drive anyone nuts, and here you are, despite everything, talking about your plans and goal. Unbelievable. You’re so strong, Brian! Chapeau!

Thank you for this update, the details, the YouTube video, and the link to the OCR.

Indeed, people are not vermin, and I am so sorry America has so many people out on the streets that deserve a home, medication/treatment, and support. Acknowledgement. Appreciation. Human contact.

Maybe a stupid question, but how come you have internet? I gather from your story (building app for homeless people) that being homeless in the USA does not necessarily mean you are offline? Are you online all of the time, or do shelters or health centers offer this possibility?
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Last edited by Eye; March 12th, 2019 at 00:20.
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March 12th, 2019, 00:19
Hey Skavenhorde - you won't remember me, I only lurked here when you used to post regularly. I always enjoyed reading your thoughts though. You were one of the posters that indirectly persuaded me that it would be fun to sign up to RPGwatch properly, which kinda broke the habit of a lifetime.

Thanks for posting your update and the details. I read the OCregister link. It sounds like you've had a immensely hard time and come out of it with a real purpose, which is pretty inspirational. I wish you all the best. And, like the others said, do check in here occasionally - it would be good to hear how you're getting on.
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March 12th, 2019, 00:28
Long time no see, skavenhorde. It pains me to hear that you've had so much ill happen to you, but I'm glad you've found the strength that you have.

I hope you're able to keep posting here at least occasionally to let us know how things are coming along. Don't hesitate to reach out if you need to talk.
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March 12th, 2019, 01:02
Good to see you here again, Skavenhorde. It sounds like you encountered the pure truth in, "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Yes, most of humanity is less than kind, but you cannot ever let that math deny the few gems that exist in this world. Find them, embrace them all, and let their strength be your beacon. We are all stronger than we know, and it's easy to give up the fight, but to continue the daily struggle is the hardest challenge of all.

/salute!
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March 12th, 2019, 07:28
I spent like a few hours on a reply to you guys but starbucks is closed now and I am writing this right outside since I'n still connected if I don'
--
Despite all my rage.
I'm still just a rat in a cage.
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March 12th, 2019, 07:36
I just lost like a reply to you guys that took me a few hours to write everything I wanted to say then redo it and just like my writing now I'm always cutting and adding where needed. A perfectionist it seems. Never thought that was me, but given something I truly care about and I will do it to the best of my ability and you guys made me break down and cry in Starbucks. All of you I owe a debt i can never repay because you've given me something I sorely needed Friendship and understanding.

To all of you thank you. my god thank you.

Eye a woman hasn't called me handsome in a long time because everyone just sees the cart or the .,,,,,they just see the bum and not the man. Goggamn if someone isn't laughing their butt off at me now. I finally understand I actually am good looking and now I can't do anything about that because I am a bum. We aren't really seen. We might be on the edge of perception, .but never truly seen/

Oh well gtg before they tell me to move along thankj you all . Thank you
--
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I'm still just a rat in a cage.
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March 12th, 2019, 11:18
Aw, you made me cry reading this. Thank you for going through so much trouble just to let us know how are you, your daily situation and to tell us about your thoughts and feelings. I went to bed thinking about you, wondering where you might be, and this morning getting up I thought the same. I am so sorry there is an ocean, and more, between my country and yours, and I can not help to change your situation bringing long-term solutions. I really hope you’ll get a house soon. It’ll be a world’s change, a new start, I’m sure. I’m glad the director of SOS is your friend. And that you have managed to better your situation, getting medication, a cart, some money, and new friends.
Originally Posted by skavenhorde View Post
I just lost like a reply to you guys that took me a few hours to write everything I wanted to say then redo it and just like my writing now I'm always cutting and adding where needed. A perfectionist it seems.
Aw no, we don’t need a perfect reply, any reply will do! Getting A reply is already making us happy.
Next time you just post it write away. Forget about the mistakes it has, you can always do an edit if your perfectionist me insists. (I know, because my English sucks, and especially at times like these I find it less than satisfying).
Originally Posted by skavenhorde View Post
Aw, you made me cry reading thi Never thought that was me, but given something I truly care about and I will do it to the best of my ability and you guys made me break down and cry in Starbucks. All of you I owe a debt i can never repay because you've given me something I sorely needed Friendship and understanding.

To all of you thank you. my god thank you.
We, I speak for all I ‘m sure, thank you. What you are doing… that is quite a contrast with us typing in a comfortable chair. It is much harder for you to communicate with us and we thank you for going through the trouble just to let us know you have read our replies, and how you felt about that. Thank you! What we did was easy. You’re the one that is doing something that demands real strength and perseverance.
Originally Posted by skavenhorde View Post
Eye a woman hasn't called me handsome in a long time because everyone just sees the cart or the .,,,,,they just see the bum and not the man.
I saw you talking in the video, I saw you at the cart in the video, and just thought: my, that is a pretty guy. Perhaps I am one of the few saying it, but I am sure I am not the only one thinking that. You ARE good looking.
Originally Posted by skavenhorde View Post
Goggamn if someone isn't laughing their butt off at me now. I finally understand I actually am good looking and now I can't do anything about that because I am a bum. We aren't really seen. We might be on the edge of perception, .but never truly seen/
You are not a bum. You had bad luck. (On top of it, you had bad luck in the USA.) Lady Fortuna did not treat you well the last couple of years, multiple times, but that does not make you a bum! If you really think so you don’t see yourself truly.
Aren’t you fighing to achieve something? Not just for you but for people like you, just missing a place of your own, and for those like us? A bum wouldn’t do that? You are beautiful! Probably a better person than you once were, when you were living in Taiwan?

Not being seen. Yes. I can’t even imagine how it feels when people, that are afraid when looking at someone that lost his home… those people, yes, they don’t see you, they just see themselves: being afraid they will be robbed or tricked or get ill, or… I guess. But I am sure you can word it far better than me.
Originally Posted by skavenhorde View Post
Oh well gtg before they tell me to move along thankj you all . Thank you
Thank YOU, skavenhorde. You are in my thoughts.
--
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Last edited by Eye; March 12th, 2019 at 13:04. Reason: Worded a couple of things better for my English sucked
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March 12th, 2019, 17:03
Skaven!! Welcome back, old friend. I'd wondered where you've been all this time, having not seen you since Skyrim released, I believe.

I feel like I'm standing beside myself because your experiences are a reflection of my own.

In 2008, my mother passed away. Then came depression, family problems, and homelessness. During the economic downturn, this was especially crushing as I had no income at the time.

When my mother passed, our family became divided. My aunt, the trustee for my mother's will (whom was directed to divide a life insurance policy among me and my siblings) instead chose to keep that money for herself. I was upset, but only because I wanted to see that money go to my siblings to secure their future. She used that money in attempt to bribe us into siding with her decision. I think she felt bad, but ultimately wanted control over the money at the same time. I wouldn't stand for it, so I was given the choice to stay with her, or be homeless. In a time where the economy took a turn for the worse and my depression had been at an all time high, the sensible decision would have been to stay with her, probably.

Instead, I chose to be homeless. I could not submit to the idea that someone deliberately went against my mother's wishes for the betterment of herself and nobody else, and it infuriated me more that my siblings would never have that crutch in a difficult time.

Being homeless showed me how cruel the world was. Nobody gave me the time of day, and I wasn't really seen as a "person". I had no car, so my only option was to sleep outside (this was outside of a church at the time. I was grateful to the pastor for allowing me to sleep outside the property). I've had drunks from the local bar occasionally wander up and throw empty beer bottles at me, lit cigarettes, you name it. All I had was my backpack and a black trash bag with my sleeping bag in it, which was thrown away or stolen on four separate occasions (I had few places to hide my belongings, and I wasn't going to carry that around all day).

The worst was when it rained. You were guaranteed no sleep that night, and if you were under any kind of roof, your sleeping bag would likely get wet anyway.

I was homeless for over a year, also in southern California. Over the course of that year, I'd learned to despise money and what it did to my family. However, along the way I also encountered many wondefful people, and made friends with some of the other local homeless. Incidentally, I came to know someone from a homeless outreach team (named Brian) who was a massive help in my life, and properly introduced me to God.

As upset as I was with the world in how corrupt, mean spirited, and hateful it could be, the people I encountered showed me that there are wonderful human beings out there. It felt amazing when someone walked up to me, struck up a conversation, and wished me well. They saw me as a person, as an equal. That was above and beyond anything I could hope for in those dark times.

That really shaped who I am today. It helped shed my desire for materialistic things, because I had to be ready to lose everything in an instant. To this day, I'm so far distanced from the money driven, need for greed, politically charged mindset that seems so ingrained in our culture that I often feel alien. But you know what? I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been, because I'm focusing on what matters to me most.

Homelessness and emotional turmoil taught me the same lesson you've learned. Love is all that really matters.

Never give up, Skaven, because I'm right there with ya, bud.
--
~Watching since 2007~
Last edited by Ragnaris; March 13th, 2019 at 02:18.
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March 12th, 2019, 17:59
Skavenhorde? Hmmm…Skavenhorde. I know Skavenhorde!

He was only one of the few guys around here over the years who could make me laugh on a regular basis. Good to hear from you, man.

Holy shit, Skavenhorde. That's a hell of a story. I'm sorry things took that left turn for you out of nowhere. In some small way, I know a little of what you're going through…but not really.

There was a week when my neurologist and I were both convinced I had MS. Now, I don't get scared very easily in general, but that scared the living shit out of me. Turns out I only had a severe vision problem.

I was also once homeless….for about 2 days….so, once again, not really. While I don't think my experience really counts, I can say those two days were amongst the most uncomfortable of my life. It wasn't physical discomfort (I can deal with that), but it messes with your head, simply knowing you have nowhere to go, amongst other things you've already mentioned. I imagine it's hard to maintain the sense of self over more time than I had on the streets.

And I'm sure you don't need to hear it from me, but you and Ghandi are right: love is the answer. It has become apparent to me in recent years, although I still struggle with it myself, that love is a simple choice we can all make for ourselves. When we do, it is often surprising how much love comes back to us in return.

I hope you keep coming back to Starbucks to check in around here once in a while, Skavenhorde.
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March 12th, 2019, 23:32
Another thought occurred to me, Skaven. I don't think you should refer to yourself as a "bum." I've never been one for politically correct speech, but I just don't think that term applies. You landed on the streets as a result of an illness, which, sadly, is happening to more and more people in this country.

Besides, "hobo" is way cooler.
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March 12th, 2019, 23:51
Welcome back. I still have your quote about "interplay being an zombified unlife thing" in my signature over there at Larian !

Originally Posted by skavenhorde View Post
Here is a new story I was in: https://www.ocregister.com/2018/11/1…working-on-it/
At first I thought that was Peter Gabriel of Genesis. He looks so much like him …
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March 12th, 2019, 23:57
Welcome back, dude!
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March 13th, 2019, 18:56
As always you guys have given me more than know. You see I know I won't be homeless forever and capt. You're right. I don't really see myself as that it's just when people see me they don't see me. They see what they are either afraid could happen to them (I've had a few come up and tell me exactly that. In California right now housing is through the roof and doesn't look like it will calm down anytime soon, but I refuse to leave. I was born here, left once for Asia and like hell will I leave again.

Actually I have work to do here as in this rebel has finally found his cause. I mean even now at my lowest I have found my purpose in life. I should have known it would be something like this because I was born to protect the unwanted, the losers, the misfits because I am one of them and like hell will I not do anything about it.

So now you've got the story of what HAS happened now it's time to really understand just how nuts I truly am. I will not sit idly by where some of these people think they can treat me differently than their regular customers. You guys gave me back something that with all that has happened just recently meaning fighting this fight is long and draining when I can only get about one thing done a day because it takes very long to do anything when your only transportation is the bus.

I could whine and bemoan my life, but that isn't really me. You've seen me here when I get pissed I get a little ………not myself and would argue til I was blue in the face or rather red on the fingers to make mu point. I have to apologize for that. I am a born fighter (Who knew?) and I was fighting over things that reallh didn't matter. I mean I was fighting for different ways of seeing a computer game. That isn't what my fury needs to br unleashed upon.

No my anger and fury at injustice needs to be channeled into something that can actually make a difference and now thanks to my new faith in God I know exactly why I had to go through all that I've gone through. Starting from the very beginning I see now I was being forged into a weapon to help. My whole life has been filled with pain and fear and I know why now.

I had to go through that to give me the passion I have in me for things I truly care about and goddamn it if I don't love all humans. If I could forgive my grandfather for what he did to me then that means I can forgive anything and help those that want help.

With that said here is what I've been planning. First you saw the article I was in with Mike the director from SOS. Well we have very similar goals and is willing to give my crazy ideas a shot. I'm creating a video showcasing SOS and all the good they do. They neat the hell out of anywhere else I have seen because all the others have some kind of hook in it. Like the churches oh they'll help, but every single one of them only help as long as they get their hook in you too.

Red Cross. HA. They make them leave there every single day no matter what. Robin my partner in crime out here on the streets (Not literally I haven't turned to stealing), but when I do his biography and all he has gone through some of you may see why this man is so special. He had a broken leg that the doctors told him to stay off of or he would lose it and the bastards at the red cross still sent him out ever day. No flexibility. Then there is these sober living places, ummm I don't need that I don't need to be seen as a drug addict since i'm not homeless because of drugs but something not of my own doing. I did nothing to cause this disease to strike me.

I don't know if you guys know this about me I value freedom above all else. I will sleep on the streets before I go to a place that I do not need to go to. I don't do drugs I am freaking disabled assholes.

Affordable housing is sort of out there, but of course every city doesn't want to have us living withing their golden city. I had no idea Californians were so bigoted before. I always befriended any race because I grew up with D&D and to me calling someone a different race just because of the color of their skin was freaking idiotic. Different races are like Dwarves, Elves, Halflings etc. Humans no matter their freaking color was still a human.

Yes, I really am that naive.

I will be doing a video on SOS highlighting how different they are from everyone else, then 2nd thing I'm doing is my journals and later on my autobiography. I've asked enough people to know that I have led an interesting life and here I thought I was extremely boring.

3rd I am doing the biographies of certain people I meet out here. They stand out from the herd and shine. I call them diamonds. We get barraged with negativity from the news well I'm countering that by doing all I can to help people see that the world isn't as bad as they think. Life really is heaven or hell. At first it was hell because that's all I saw, but just changed my perception and became more positive then all of a sudden Life is heaven. Seriously even now at my lowest most of the time it's heaven, most of the time.

4th thing I can't say but it's a book on something. I have an editor and someone who will turn it into an app after I am done.

I'm sorry about the long post again and I'll be posting some excerpts from the books to see what you guys think of it if you don't mind. It is my job ro remind people that the homeless are their Aunts, Uncles, Mother, Fathers, Cousins, You. basically to remind people that we were them not too long ago basically trying to get people to see we are human.
--
Despite all my rage.
I'm still just a rat in a cage.
skavenhorde is offline

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March 13th, 2019, 19:19
Hey Skav, I don't know what to say. I remember you from the old bunch of Watchers including magerette. I feel however there isn't much I can do from overseas, like Eye said. However if you do think of something, do let us know.

I am sorry for how you came to be homeless and if I can help I will.
It's good you fight for a cause. It's better than not doing so.

I do wish you all the best, but I'm left somewhat speechless.
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March 13th, 2019, 20:29
As someone with a very clear disability, I can relate to how the majority of the general public perceives individuals that are so afflicted. It bothered me greatly for the first two or three years, then I got over it and tried to live my life best that I could. Later still, I spent almost ten years living in Canada, and found an entirely new level of acceptance. I returned to the US last year, but I'm not the same person that I was back then, I'm far more comfortable with who I am now.

Keep your chin up, you are stronger than you know, and you've many people in your corner. Faith can move mountains.
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March 14th, 2019, 22:12
Rat, you know I've missed you and I didn't realize just how bad things were for you (I knew they were bad because I knew you still lurked obviously).

Its good that you made it through this rough patch and I hope you find you a nice cage soon.

Welcome back and please don't be a stranger.

Oh, and you just missed Dart. Looks like he left again.
--
Developer of The Wizard's Grave Android game. Discussion Thread:
http://www.rpgwatch.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22520
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