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June 18th, 2018, 07:25
Aubrielle
Columbus, Ohio
June 18 2018
Midnight


Hey, RPGWatch. It's your old pal and sometime communist agitator, Aubrielle! I'm here in sunny *squints* Ohio, sitting by the relaxing *scrunches up face, focusing* computer. The rabbits are relaxing by the A/C vents or chewing cardboard, waiting on me to get up and hang out with them. It's quiet enough to hear the sigh of the fan in the next room, and after this letter, I'll get back to work on my manuscript.

I've gotten messages from a number of you over the last year or so. I think it started with Ripper, who wondered how I was doing and I never responded (sorry, Ripper, I honestly meant to). I'll hear from the rest of you every now and then, nothing super lengthy or involved, just touching bases. I haven't responded to any of them but believe me when I say that I love you for it - taking the time to say hello can make all the difference in someone's day.

Nyx and I hang out (though not IRL, sadly - we live too far away). Fluent and I hang out (again, not IRL - we only live a few hours away but he must be terrified I'll start up Tekken and crush him or something). Henriquejr stays in touch - I helped him with that piece a couple of months ago. I'll occasionally swap comments with xSamhainx on Steam, I occasionally bug Joxer and he'll growl, and I've got Morrandir, txa, JDR13, Nephologist, dajjer, Lemonhead, aand…probably more of you that I honestly don't mean to offend.

The big unspoken question I sense in the air these days is why'd you leave? If I can be candidly honest, the election of 2016 really knocked the wind out of me. I'm not ashamed to admit it. You'll find that a lot of my fellow Far Leftists are also artists and writers like me, and we tend to feel things really deeply. It was a scary time, and seeing everyone gloating and carrying those stupid tiki torches (and they were really stupid, come on - dweebs in ugly polos carrying tiki torches? it's like you all finally got off the P&R forum and organized yourselves into a stormtrooper unit…for us to laugh at)…it's hard not to think of Italy in the early 1920s, or Germany in the early 30s. I'm also an introvert (believe it or not) with really serious depression (which isn't hard to believe), so over the following months, I sort of…careened back and forth, kinda like on one of those racing games when the car steers too much to one side and you can't control it. There's also this seasonal thing, which sucks…I like winter but it messes me up. Just this past winter, I stopped replying to texts…I kinda put my phone in my desk drawer and ignored my friends. I just…couldn't, you know? I think it was the first time that I just couldn't for months. But anyone that gets close enough to me to use the "F" word (friend, you ass) knows that sending me texts is like playing a rigged slot machine in a really low-budget game - you're not likely to get anything back worth looking at, and even if you do, the results are going to be quite unspectacular. And I think my RL friends took it personally when wifey didn't throw our usual Christmas party at our place, so we haven't seen them in quite a while, either.

But it's not all bad. I've been spending a lot of time with my manuscript and playing about three gazillion different games (if you've looked at my play history on Steam, you know this). There's an ADD component to my broken brain, too, so in order to stay functional and inspired, I need to consume music like whales consume fish (or like bunnies consume timothy hay), and I need to play a ton of different things, try to force myself to have a bunch of different experiences. It's kind of annoying that I can't just sit down and write for eighteen hours straight and have it all be stuff I'm really happy with. Though, my wife got me an actual vintage 1925 Corona Four typewriter for my birthday last year, and that's a really fun, satisfying way to take a break and write a few lines, maybe brainstorm a little. It's one of the coolest gifts I've ever gotten and I love it to pieces.



It's all trial and error when you're trying to develop successful habits with a broken brain. I've tried developing a destructive drinking habit, which failed because I can't find the yummy hard iced tea I like anymore (I'm a lightweight…anything harder turns the world into a copy of a copy). So for right now it's just old fashioned caffeine…coffee and tea. If someone alpha reads my manuscript and has a complete aneurysm, that helps the most…I might be opinionated but I'm definitely not full of myself, so being told my work is evocative or provocative or addictive or sets tone and mood in a beautiful way…or is just plain good…who doesn't want to hear that?

Gah, I just spent two paragraphs talking shop. Anyway, what I guess I was sort of getting at is that it's nice to hear from you guys - I think about all of you a lot (or, most of you a lot) and it's nice to know that I'm not quite as expendable as I try to make myself. If it would interest any of you, maybe I could scribble up a really strange article about the games that have helped keep me inspired. Or something.

Oh, and I've been making loads of Wallpaper Engine wallpapers, too - if you use WE, you should check out my stuff and see if it's your style.

I'm getting tunnelvision so I think I'm going to find a glass of water and maybe try to massage about a thousand words out of my brain. Thank you for reading all this and thank you for staying in touch. Like I said, if you've messaged me or added me on Steam, chances are you're in my thoughts fairly often.

Namaste and much love (to most of you! ),

Cassandra
(that's my real name, not a pen name)
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Last edited by Aubrielle; June 18th, 2018 at 12:51.
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June 18th, 2018, 07:43
Has it been two years already? Time seems to fly by when bad things happen as my last two years have not been peachy either. By that I mean the death of my father.

On top of that dealing with health issues and unemployment because of them, and add moving halfway across the country. So allow to me to say sorry for not keeping in touch.

Well enough with the sob story on my end, and I'm glad to see your doing alright.
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June 18th, 2018, 07:46
Ouch! I had no idea…you have my deepest sympathies. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. And honestly, all that other stuff is nasty, too - I really hope life makes a U-turn for you and starts to treat you better.

Dolce (my main rabbit) passed away last fall, too - we'd been through nine years together, thick and thin. I know it's not like losing your dad but it was certainly hard. You have my condolences - and my sympathies.
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June 18th, 2018, 08:07
Originally Posted by Aubrielle View Post
Dolce (my main rabbit) passed away last fall, too - we'd been through nine years together, thick and thin. I know it's not like losing your dad but it was certainly hard. You have my condolences - and my sympathies.
Sorry to hear that as I had two cats die a year apart a few years back.

How's the book coming along?

As I remember you bought the new software a few years back,
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June 18th, 2018, 08:12
Good to know you're ok, Cassandra. Trump is a buffoon, and so are most of his supporters, but try not to let things that are beyond your control get you down.

The typewriter is awesome.
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June 18th, 2018, 08:17
Originally Posted by Couchpotato View Post
Sorry to hear that as I had two cats die a year apart a few years back.

How's the book coming along?

As I remember you bought the new software a few years back,
Yeah, it's good! I've switched over from the sci-fi one to something a lot more personal/introspective, and it's going a lot better. I honestly don't know where I am in the book because I'm not quite sure where it's headed, but I know it feels right, which is more than I've had in a long time And yeah, Liquid Story Binder was good but so not portable. I've switched to Scrivener…way more lightweight, way easier to use


Originally Posted by JDR13 View Post
Good to know you're ok, Cassandra. Trump is a buffoon, and so are most of his supporters, but try not to let things that are beyond your control get you down.

The typewriter is awesome.
Thank you so much!

True. I've tried to take that to heart and hide within my work. And thank you! I've got strong feelings for it, as you can tell
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June 18th, 2018, 09:07
Well we didn't talk much but I wish you all the best. Do what you need to make yourself healthy and happy.

One thing I would say having a few friends with different forms of depression is to keep trying. Just keep swimming as Dory would say.

Keep trying to stay in touch with friends. Just like you appreciated some watchers saying hi, make sure you do the same to your real life friends. You do not always need to go out to meet them. Just make sure you keep in touch. People enjoy the small things too and if you tell them you're having a hard time and need to be alone for a while your friends will appreciate the effort you put in to your text too.

Again, all the best.

Sent from my SM-A520F using Tapatalk
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June 18th, 2018, 10:08
Absolutely right. Sometimes it's easy to forget things like that.

Thanks, Pladio!
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June 18th, 2018, 10:23
Good to hear from you.

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June 18th, 2018, 10:45
Originally Posted by pibbur who View Post
Good to hear from you.

pibbur
I had a feeling I'd forgotten someone important.
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June 18th, 2018, 11:09
Ah, there's our Communist Partisan! I thought the Fascists had got you. No, actually I wondered if you'd just got pissed off with us.

Sorry to hear you've been a bit down. I have to say, the current era in world affairs hasn't done wonders for my mental health either, and on a couple of occasions I've watched the news and had far too much to drink, and not in a good way.

Anyway, glad to see you back, and I'm jealous of your typewriter.
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June 18th, 2018, 12:08
Originally Posted by Ripper View Post
Ah, there's our Communist Partisan! I thought the Fascists had got you. No, actually I wondered if you'd just got pissed off with us.

Sorry to hear you've been a bit down. I have to say, the current era in world affairs hasn't done wonders for my mental health either, and on a couple of occasions I've watched the news and had far too much to drink, and not in a good way.

Anyway, glad to see you back, and I'm jealous of your typewriter.
I was angry, but not at all of you. Definitely not you, and definitely not anyone in this thread or anyone I've mentioned. There was a lot of bigotry going around right around the last time you guys heard from me, though, and it was just kinda too much, you know?

And I don't wanna seem like I'm complaining…life's a lot better now than it was for a while. I'm writing every day, which gives me a sense of purpose. I'm starting to feel like the story I'm writing is worth telling, and that is absolutely a profound feeling.

Ugh, yeah…drinking too much just makes you more depressed, then if you pair it with news, you might as well be pairing it with one of those crazy anti-psych meds that makes you suicidal. The whole "pendulum" thing some people talk about - I just hope they're right. And thanks for what you said about the typewriter! She's my baby but she's dangerous…now I want another antique early 1920s typewriter to restore.
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June 18th, 2018, 12:29
Hi Cassandra,

Sweet of you to tell us how you are faring. I am glad to hear that even in dark hours you have still been busy in a creative way, writing your manuscript, making wall papers, listening to music that affects you. Apathy is rock bottom I think.

That 1925 typewriter is indeed a very cool gift! I remember a long time ago typing on one not that old, and the sound it made always pushed me to type more.

As for Trump, and the wave from the right these days that seems to flood us, or if you feel like drowning by any other cause, it can indeed be soothing and revitalizing at the same time to ignore the news, the media and all that ‘demands’ your attention and understanding, and focus on your own small circle of partner and personal environment. New energy. From being understood. From being accepted no matter what. Without the need of explaining yourself.
I think you seem quite energetic.

Take care.
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June 18th, 2018, 12:34
Originally Posted by Eye View Post
Hi Cassandra,

Sweet of you to tell us how you are faring. I am glad to hear that even in dark hours you have still been busy in a creative way, writing your manuscript, making wall papers, listening to music that affects you. Apathy is rock bottom I think.

That 1925 typewriter is indeed a very cool gift! I remember a long time ago typing on one not that old, and the sound it made always pushed me to type more.

As for Trump, and the wave from the right these days that seems to flood us, or if you feel like drowning by any other cause, it can indeed be soothing and revitalizing at the same time to ignore the news, the media and all that ‘demands’ your attention and understanding, and focus on your own small circle of partner and personal environment. New energy. From being understood. From being accepted no matter what. Without the need of explaining yourself.
I think you seem quite energetic.

Take care.
Hello, Eye. It's so lovely to hear your voice.

You're absolutely right. Politics has taught me that no matter how loud I shout, how righteously angry I get, how much I plead with my enemies for empathy and understanding, it won't matter. But going inward with pen and paper, trying to be utterly unabashedly honest, maybe that will make a difference somewhere, someday.
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June 18th, 2018, 14:43
I like your avatar.

I want to hug you so much and tell that I wish you explosive and worlddestructing love. Not with me, silly! I'm too far away.
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June 18th, 2018, 14:46
Hi Aubrielle!

I'm glad to know you're well and back to our community here

Again, I thank you for doing the revision for the Horizon: Zero Dawn text review.

The typewriter is charming, indeed. And Cassandra is a very beautiful name, Greek in origin.

I wish you all the best, and I also wish you stay with us a little longer

See ya!
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June 18th, 2018, 14:49
Originally Posted by joxer View Post
I like your avatar.
Ah, thank you! I do love me some Downton Abbey.

Originally Posted by joxer View Post
I want to hug you so much and tell that I wish you explosive and worlddestructing love. Not with me, silly! I'm too far away.
See what I mean? How can I ever get up and live a functional life when all my hopes keep getting dashed like this? *kicks a rock, hands in pockets*
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June 18th, 2018, 14:50
Originally Posted by henriquejr View Post
Hi Aubrielle!

I'm glad to know you're well and back to our community here

Again, I thank you for doing the revision for the Horizon: Zero Dawn text review.

The typewriter is charming, indeed. And Cassandra is a very beautiful name, Greek in origin.

I wish you all the best, and I also wish you stay with us a little longer

See ya!
Henrique
Well, my stay over the last six hours has been pleasant, so that's a good sign! If the next six go well, then I might be onto something good.

And it was my pleasure! It was a great review (that I agreed entirely with, which helps )
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June 18th, 2018, 15:21
Welcome back. I hope you start reviewing again. It is refreshing to have another perspective on our hobby and you write extremely well. Glad to "hear" your voice once more. The world would be pretty boring with only radical republicans speaking.
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June 18th, 2018, 16:20
Welcome back!

Would love to see your reviews again. Maybe on some of the 100s you've bounced through on Steam? Even impressions are great, don't have to finish the game for impressions.

Glad you didn't end up in a camp or deported or any of the 3rd Reich examples you feared would come to pass. Looks like the USA will keep on ticking for the forseeable future at least. Its survived worse.

My mom has a 1945ish? Underwood typewriter in her house for longer than I've been alive. Dont know anything about it other than it looks ancient, weighs a ton, and has Underwood written on it in giant letters. Guessing at the year because it was brought home by her parents at the end of the war. Your typewriter is beautiful. Crazy that we've been typing pretty much the same way for 100 years.
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