Do you ever feel unappreciated, judged harshy and ignored?

[human_male]

I was wondering if anyone else felt that they were unappreciated (particularly in their job), felt that they are often judged more harshy than others, feel that they never get the recognition they deserve (that anyone else would get if they did what you did), and were generally overlooked and ignored?

 

[Anderson]

I know what you mean about feeling unappreciated at work. I do feel that way sometimes. I'm also more harshly judged than others, but not by my bosses (I assume that's who you're talking about). My work naturally pisses some people off, that's just the way it goes, so I am harshly judged by some of the people I deal with.

never get the recognicion they deserve and were generally overlooked and ignored

I feel that way sometimes, too, yeah. I'm an introvert, so I don't really put myself out there or self-promote, and so I will sometimes get overlooked, and it can sting my ego a little.

 

[Corwin]

At various times, most/all people feel those emotions. Women in particular have felt that way for years, if not centuries. Instead of worrying about that, try to remember all the times when people have appreciated you, or your efforts. They are there too, but are often quickly and easily forgotten!!

 

[Prime Junta]

No, never. We're all brimming with energy, self-confidence, and drive, as we bask in the appreciation our considerate, attentive, and fair-minded colleagues and bosses deservedly give us, as we pursue our challenging, rewarding, meaningful, and interesting careers that give us the financial security we need to live happy and fulfilling lives. You're just weird.

 

[Corwin]

Nah, not weird, like you he has empathy with those backwards, flying, porcines!!

 

[JemyM]

I have chronical guilt so I feel overappreciated. I expect people to backstab me at any moment. Whenever one of my friends that I been with for almost 20 years calls me on the phone, send me an e-mail or contact me on the computer, I feel a rush of fear, like it contains an attack or potential of an attack where tell me I am not welcome anymore.

I also ace everything I do in school/university and still I feel extremely uncomfortable posting in my latest work since I always think it will bomb and be harshly responded with how bad or stupid it is.

This sense have broken friendships and lost me jobs when I lash out against them in paranoia.

 

[DArtagnan]

Not really, no.

Most of the time, I think I get more attention/recognition than I truly deserve, but then again - the idea of "deserving" such things is very strange to me.

In my view, we all deserve love, respect, and attention - so there's really no way I could NOT deserve it.

Something like that.

 

[purpleblob]

I do all the time. Hell, it doesn't matter how good you are at what you are doing. If you are good at sucking up to your superior or good-looking or close friend with superior, that's it. Everything you do, you get praised. Otherwise, hey, forget it. At least that's how it works where I'm working at.

 

[Anderson]

It's nice to get appreciation and approval, but I try not to focus too much on it, because if I do, I lose my power or center of gravity, and sometimes I end up doing things to try to get them to like or notice me … and that always ends up making me feel worse about myself. There's something humiliating about seeking approval.

I won't lie, though, getting praise from the boss helps. It boosts my spirits, makes me feel more secure. I have a somewhat thankless job, and it's nice to hear a good, supportive word from my boss every once in a while.

 

[Alrik Fassbauer]

I have been feeling this all of the time when I was much, much younger.

It was very hard for me, and I really struggled to build up a self-recognition and self-esteem.

Thank God I'm mostly over that now.

 

[xSamhainx]

I'm golden where I'm working now. I'm convinced because early on i was able to ascertain who was important and who wasnt when it came to making a good initial impression. It's not always obvious. That said, I'm generally a hard worker and kick ass for the most part at what I do, but I've always done so and have been the underdog at other places all the same.

I hate to say it, but oftentimes first impressions are crucially important, and if you blow that you very well may be sunk. If people just dont like you, there's not much that you can do about it. I've seen people come and go, and generally during the first week you can tell if someone is going to click w/ the rest of the workforce - especially the brass.

Maybe you need to consider a new place of employment, my friend. If youre miserable enough to make a post as you have, maybe get your resume up to snuff and move on to greener pastures. I know every time Ive quit and went somewhere else, I'm left wondering "why the hell did i wait??"

 

[DArtagnan]

If you need the appreciation and attention from other people - beyond those you hold dear and love - then I think it's time to wonder why that is.

Personally, there's nothing less interesting to me than getting attention from someone I don't personally respect, or based on something I really didn't do, and as such don't deserve.

It's the same reason I'll never understand the need to be famous, so you can have a zillion people crying out your name like they'd die for you - and yet they've never even met you.

That's something I will never understand.

The really sad thing is, that by having such a disposition - as in by SIMPLY not caring, I get a lot of attention and respect. I think that's horrible, but that's how the world works.

Which is yet another reason there's really no need to crave it. Its value is an illusion.

As a final note, you can actually be both respected and admired - but without it being said out loud. Some people are not comfortable praising those they admire, especially if those people are not "in with the crowd" - but the respect is there, and it's often genuine.

 

[Prime Junta]

If you truly believe that you're like that, DArtagnan, you're in deep, deep denial of your nature as a social primate.

 

[JemyM]

It might just be, that DArtagnan isn't one of those.

Our mind can have a configuration, either taught or naturally born with, that rate the importance of others opinions on a scale spanning from very important to not at all important.

I can relate to what he say about the need to be famous, the need to be powerful, the need to be center of attention, the need to be appreciated by everyone. I do not have that need. In fact, I would only see that kind of attention as a burden, a hassle.

I have the need to be alone. I rebuild myself by being alone. After spending a moment in a social situation I have the need to get to somewhere isolated and close the door. Not being able to do so makes me feel uncomfortable and stressed. The idea that people think that I should be social is a denial of what I actually need. I believe this comes from a lack of perspectivism, being unable to understand that another mindset may be wired very different from our own.

The extreme opposite is a narcissist.

 

[Prime Junta]

I think that autistic-spectrum people may actually be wired differently from neurotypicals in this respect, so there may be something to what you say.

For the rest of us, though, the fight for status, appreciation, and approval really are hard-wired very deeply into our instincts. It takes a lot of practice and effort to tame those instincts, and I think very few of us can ever completely overcome them.

I don't think DArtagnan is like you in this respect, though. He often responds extremely emotionally here, when confronted with someone who doesn't share his opinions—his recent exchange with a number of people on Alpha Protocol was a prime example. There was a lot of pain coming through from those posts, thinly cloaked in covert-aggressive language.

In my fights with you, though, the vibe has been very different—you get incredibly irritating, but I do get the vibe that you honestly don't give a shit what other people think about you.

IOW, you may have out-evolved us, but I think DA's monkey instincts are still working just fine, whether he admits it to himself or not.

 

[Anderson]

I do get the vibe that you honestly don't give a shit what other people think about you.

[…] I think DA's monkey instincts are still working just fine, whether he admits it to himself or not.

True, but I think there are large individual differences in our need for others' approval and recognition.

I admire people like D. who seem to not need it at all. We admire him because of his indifference to admiration. Makes sense to me.

I have a good dose of this trait, myself. I'm less social, less interested in the social, less concerned about popular opinion and approval than others.

I like the trait. It's one of the things I admire about myself.

I was in my early 30's before I really accepted that I had interpersonal needs. I had to work through some narcissism and defensiveness first.

 

[Prime Junta]

Not me. I get hurt very easily. It's especially difficult for me if I feel like I've been doing a good job, or gone out of my way to be considerate, or something like that, and then somebody pisses on it. It makes me sad.

 

[JemyM]

I think that autistic-spectrum people may actually be wired differently from neurotypicals in this respect, so there may be something to what you say.

I actually believe it's a result of philosophical reflection.

This argument popped up when discussing Sartre vs De Beauvoir. The former appeared very anxious about what others thought about him, it was one of his driving points in his existentialism. The idea that this was an option was De Beauvoirs line and I believe that is an important one and have been one of the driving points of all liberation movements; do not care about what people think about you. Especially if you know they are wrong.

In my fights with you, though, the vibe has been very different—you get incredibly irritating, but I do get the vibe that you honestly don't give a shit what other people think about you.

Thanks man. Coming from you, this warms my heart.

Seriously, the only thing I care to be judged on is my knowledge, because that's the part of me I can do anything about, that is the part of me that I try to improve, and I have been adapting to accepting I am wrong and end the argument faster now than before I began my education since I learned that's a good way to learn more.

 

[DArtagnan]

True, but I think there are large individual differences in our need for others' approval and recognition.

I admire people like D. who seem to not need it at all. We admire him because of his indifference to admiration. Makes sense to me.

I'm not sure if we're using the right words.

I do indeed need SOMETHING, but that's from people I admire and care for. My family and friends. I'm not sure I care too much about "respect" - because I have enough of that for myself - and I guess I've never really been without it during my adult life.

But I need them to care for me, and I need them to be there in harsh times - and to give me a sensation of belonging.

But from strangers or my co-workers - I don't need anything except some civility - because I really don't care WHAT they think about me, at least not if they don't have a good reason for it.

If people dislike me, even when having met me and having understood what I'm about, then maybe I'd worry about it - but I almost never encounter that particular scenario.

I guess I'm extremely carefree in those ways, and since I see everyone in the world as equal - I find most of those concepts meaningless. I see people as a natural result of their capacities and environment, so whatever they are, is what they would be. I don't really go around trying to pass myself off as better or worse, and if anything, it's like more or less fortunate.

In that same way, people who think themselves capable of judging me, are those who don't understand what it takes to truly do that. You can't, really, because you would have to understand what I've been through to get here. So, I don't see any use for uninformed opinions - but I'm trying to keep an open mind, because sometimes we miss something about ourselves that we could potentially change.[

I was in my early 30's before I really accepted that I had interpersonal needs. I had to work through some narcissism and defensiveness first.

I never doubted those needs, but I just don't need them from a lot of people. I always had a tight family - and I always had a handful of friends that matter to me. I'm in need of a GF at the moment, though

But beyond that, I really don't need much in the way of those things - and I've never craved praise from people who couldn't pass it out in an informed manner, anyway.

That's likely why I seem like an arrogant ass sometimes on "the net", because I don't worry about anything except speaking my mind - as best I can, and though I never deliberately target people - I will say what I feel regardless of what it does to my "image", because it's pointless trying to preserve something so based in unreality as an online persona.

With all that said, I do sometimes go out of my way to explain my position, simply because I've yet to grasp the futility of it. It's funny, but human nature is to "fill in the blanks" when we encounter something, or someone we haven't really encountered before. So we form an image to make it all fit together, and some people are very very good at preserving that image.

I've always felt it important to try and be understood. Not LIKED or DISLIKED - but understood. Because with understanding, comes value. If someone understands what I'm about, and where I'm coming from - then their critique or their opinions have merit. If they're based on ignorance or an image that can't be shed, then I have no use for it.

So, if I care about anything from strangers - it's their understanding. The degree to which I care, is highly dependant on what potential I deem in their informed opinion.

Someone like PJ, would be interesting to really get to know - because he's read so much and I have no doubt he could contribute. Unfortunately, he's kinda stuck based on his unwillingness to give me a chance to be who I claim to be, but I'll see if I can't survive not having access to his mind

 

[Prime Junta]

I actually believe it's a result of philosophical reflection.

Do you think philosophical reflection can actually change the way you relate to things? For me, reflection has always been the easy part. The hard part is application and practice. I have known for years that lashing out in blind anger usually doesn't fix whatever is causing that anger, but I've only managed to make any progress in actually changing that behavior pattern very lately.

This argument popped up when discussing Sartre vs De Beauvoir. The former appeared very anxious about what others thought about him, it was one of his driving points in his existentialism. The idea that this was an option was De Beauvoirs line and I believe that is an important one and have been one of the driving points of all liberation movements; do not care about what people think about you. Especially if you know they are wrong.

I agree... sort of, with some qualifiers.

I don't think it's possible or even desirable to stop caring about what other people think about you. For one thing, other people "ground" your behavior and your thoughts in completely indispensable ways. If you're doing something really stupid, you may not realize it until someone else points it out to you, either in so many words and without any emotional affect (if you're incredibly lucky to have a friend capable of that), or through any of a wide range of emotional reactions. IOW, I believe that being aware of, and caring about, what other people think of us is one of the most fundamental things that keep us sane and able to function in society.

However, and I think this is what you, Sartre, and de Beauvoir are after, there's a big difference between that and blindly chasing other people's approval, or avoiding their disapproval. I believe the best policy is to try to be as aware as possible both of what other people think, and how that makes you feel; then try to figure out why, and whether the problem is with other people, or with you, and if it's with you, what you could do about changing it. Nine times out of ten, if I get really upset about something, it's because something is hitting a sensitive spot in my ego, which causes me to regress to the emotional equivalent of a three-year-old. The tenth time, it really is about some real injustice. Funnily enough, when I get angry those times, the results of that anger are often quite constructive.

This, however, is hard. Hard, hard, hard. It requires deep introspection, and the willingness to look at yourself in the mirror and see all the petty, nasty, ugly, irritating, despicable, undesirable stuff along with the good stuff, and say "Yup, that's me, too." Only then can you start thinking about "So, what can I do about it?"

Seriously, the only thing I care to be judged on is my knowledge, because that's the part of me I can do anything about, that is the part of me that I try to improve, and I have been adapting to accepting I am wrong and end the argument faster now than before I began my education since I learned that's a good way to learn more.

I don't actually care all that much about being judged on my knowledge. I do care about being judged on my actions, though.